books 30 Jan 2006 09:09 am
When a choice isn’t “all about me”….
I’ve noticed that lately I’ve had a growing sensitivity about choices women make with selfishness at the core. I guess it’s always been around; for whatever reason my senses have a heightened awareness these days.
I guess I should start by saying I operate from a mindset that doesn’t think all choices are equal. Some really ARE better than others. If you have choice A and choice B and choice A has research behind it that shows it has benefits that choice B doesn’t have, that doesn’t necessarily make choice B “bad”…but it does still mean that choice A was better.
And, I can be an incredibly selfish person sometimes. Just ask anyone who’s lived with me and heard me rant about “needing my space”. So for a long time I’ve kept my trap shut on the issue because there is indeed a log in my eye.
Then I saw this book:
In the interest of full disclosure I’ll admit that I haven’t finished it yet. So may there’s still hope for me to glean something useful from it.
I was in the grocery store when I saw it, picking up a jug of OJ that I suddenly had to have on ice. The book had a 40% discount attatched; the cover photo shows her beautuful 10 kids. I”m a sucker for big families and the women who run them so I picked it up.
Besides, though I’m suposed to be reading Northanger Abbey right now, it hasn’t been holding my interest well and I wanted something light on my day off yesterday. I was hoping this read would be encouraging.
The author, Kathryn Sansone, was discovered by Oprah one day, while answering a question on fitness. At the time she was pregnant with her 9th baby and still doing her weight training regiment. Since then, she’s been in O Magazine, had several other interviews, and is on a special forum of women assembled by AOL. The book is her tips for “doing it all”. She makes several reminders that she is not perfect but that she is doing her best. Good so far.
And then….well a distance starts to form between her and her reader (me). I start realizing that she is undoubtedly upper middle class and white and her adivice isn’t that applicable to the majority of women I know, see, or could possibly relate to. Her central point is that you have to take care of yourself, be a good and strong woman *first* before you can be the best for your family. Point taken. We all need to nurture ourselves and a happy mom means a better mom.
Halfway through the book though and I realize her children seem to be a part of less and less of her day as we go along. For starters, she doesn’t homeschool them; they go to a parochial school. Not a block there. I don’t think everyone should homeschool thier kids and using a good system doesn’t necessarily mean the parent is abdicating thier resposibilty to educate thier children. But the thought did come to mind when she says, “yes, I am doing it all”.
She’s an admitted type-A personality and goes into the importance of making lists and planning the day. Getting enough rest (she naps in carpool lines and doctor waiting rooms–yikes!). She plays comptetive tennis and volleyball. Gets her hair cut and colored regularly, fingers and toes done monthly. Works out 4 times a week. Gets regular dates with her dashing hubby, little coffee breaks, occassional trips sans kiddos into Chicago, is on several boards and committees. OH, she’s also a personal trainer and serves on that AOL forum. And she wrote a book.
Halfway through the book I’ve heard LOTS about her and very little about how she acutally manages and parents 10 children.
She’s almost lost me with this one though…. “When I tell people I have never nursed a baby, they are frequently surprised….What’s best for me has always been feeding my babies formula from a bottle. This way my husband and older kids can feed the baby, I get back into the swing of things more quickly……”
There’s that pesky “choice A” and “choice B”. “What’s best for me??!” (emphasis mine). If nursing were just about mom, I guess I could go with that. What about what is best for baby though? It seems absurd to go into the extent of research that proves breastfeeding is better than formula. Maybe a little more helpful to point out that baby formula is one of the highest offenders with MSG; definately NOT “Just as healthy” as Kathryn would like to beleive. Formula has it’s place for certain; not everyone CAN nurse.
But my biggest beef is both the motivation behind the choice “it’s all about what’s best for mom” and the contention that after having a baby, part of “getting back into the swing” includes that baby! Your swing pre-baby isn’t SUPOSED to look like your swing post-baby. It’s doesn’t look likes she’s “doing it all” to me. I’m still operating under the (mis)conception that motherhood often means “others first”. Isn’t that one of the great beauties of motherhood? Or heck, of simple “progagation of the species”? You put the child’s need before your own OFTEN. That doesn’t mean you neglect yourself but “self” isnt’ the core of the decision process.
The question that lingers is, “what happens when one of those 10 break rank?” What if one to come is born with Down’s or someone gets really sick or what about just ordinary teenage rebellion? When it’s all not so easy to “manage” while wearing a tennis skirt with manicured nails?
So, we’ll see. I still have half of the section on marriage and then the end, which is suposed to actually be about the kids to go. I may still find something of merit in there, something to make this purchase worthwhile. So far though, her “all choices are equal; do what’s best for YOU” mantra isn’t resonating.
For more on my thoughts of this book:
a contrast: Michelle Duggar does “big family mothering” in a different way
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on 30 Jan 2006 at 9:36 am 1.Roger said …
See this site for more information about Oprah.
on 30 Jan 2006 at 12:49 pm 2.Lori said …
I could not agree with your analysis more. My best friend is preg with her 9th child, and her life does not resemble the above mentioned at all. She has breast fed each one (that is her favorite time she says), she deals with teenage rebellion, she is a stay at home Mom. Majority of her children do go to school. As a friend I can not remember the last time she has had a vacation, except trips to the beach with her kids.
During the summer she has a high school girls who helps her with the younger ones. This allows the high school girl to earn some money, and my friend is able to get dinner on the table. Her kids do, extra activities. So she goes to football or wrestling or basketball games, with all kids with her.
She has a wonderful husband that helps. As her friend I practially have to drag her away for a girlfriend night out, or a pedicure (which may happen once a year).
This woman is not living the reality life of a person with a large family.
on 30 Jan 2006 at 3:43 pm 3.gina said …
I agree too! Great post!
on 01 Feb 2006 at 12:15 pm 4.Misty said …
Okay, you go girl! Personally, you’ve (or she’s?) inspired me . . .I’m off to write my own book (as soon as I finish helping L with math, make lunch, and come up with a snappy title) LOL.
Always love your posts.
on 02 Feb 2006 at 9:56 pm 5.Cindy said …
You are sooooo right on about this book! This woman NEVER has even one kid with her at the grocery store–her life is HER OWN. They are amazingly wealthy–a 5$million house, fleet of cars and the kids are out and about with sitters/nannies and get this, in FULL DAY day care at age 2 until 1st grade and this woman doesn’t WORK!!!!!
Oprah lost my respect on this one. How DARE her hold this woman up as the one we are to follow and model after.
I realize money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps not to have to worry about buying diapers, food and clothing! Ms. Sansone’s worries are will the trip for all 12 of them have first class open on the plane.
on 03 Feb 2006 at 9:05 am 6.Tia said …
Cindy, I had a feeling from the book that her lifestyle had to be close to what you describe. She simply didn’t have enough hours in the day to do all that she was describing, with the multiple ages of her kids. She didn’t mention sitters really…just that her older kids helped with carpool. And she has a section on “asking for help” but she makes it sound like the occassional quick manicure or moment to self in a week where there’s been none.
In the part about kids she talks about the value of “showing up” and how much value her kids put on them being at thier games. It was suposed to be a fun vision but my gut was saying, “well, how much other attention can they really get? Of course “showing up” is important!” And then contrasted with my own day, when “showing up” is just the tip of the iceberg of what I do.
I also felt bad for anyone who was her friend. She didn’t mention them by name but the ones she was talking about would have known who they were and I can’t imagine would feel anything but betrayed.
Thanks for your input!
on 03 Feb 2006 at 2:01 pm 7.Laurie said …
And to think that I almost picked this book up at Sam’s today. Thank God I saved my money. I am also a stay-at-home mom of two wonderful boys. 4 years and 21 mos. Thanks for your honesty and I would not recommend this book to anyone unless they needed some extra kindling for their fireplace. Totally unrealistic lifestyle and one that most women out there could not relate to.
Happy mothering!
on 03 Feb 2006 at 4:36 pm 8.Cindy said …
One other thought, she tells a story about sending a few of the kids to subway with $9 (all the cash she had–suppossed to show they know what being financially challenged is like!?) and how cute it was that they shared the food and kept refilling the soft drink.
Imagine a homeless mother dropping her kids off with the last money in her wallet and leaving them there. When she came back to retrieve them, the kids would be in child protective custody and she would be arrested for theft (refills aren’t free) and child abdandonment. But I guess when you are wealthy and powerful, it is a cute story, when you are poor and desperate it is a crime.
I hate this book.
on 11 Oct 2006 at 6:40 pm 9.Living Deliberately » Quantity versus Quality said …
[…] Awhile back I read a book that dealt with the time we spend with/around/doing stuff for our children. Woman First, Family Always by Kathryn Sansone kinda pushed my buttons. There, all laid out in a shiny happy imagery (with an immaculate dye job and manicure), is an example of the “it’s all about quality” time kind of parenting. This pov seems to postulate that if you get a few choice moments with each child before the day is done, you’re doing a great job. They can have schedules so crammed a five year needs a palm pilot, they can spend the majority of their days having their needs met by everyone but their parent, but when the long day is over, if you get to sit for a few mintues or tuck them in or text message them how their day went, you’re doing okay. […]
on 26 Oct 2006 at 8:33 am 10.Living Deliberately » Comparisons said …
[…] One thing I found interesting in the reaction to Woman First, Family Always, was the idea that she was being criticised for “being rich and putting her children in school”. I wonder if these people really read the book! Kathryn Sansone advocated much, much more than just using a schooling source than homeschooling, and really, that is so NOT the issue. I myself contrasted her with Michelle Duggar, not because I think the Duggars do it the “right” way but because she was her polar opposite in how time was spent and how priorities were arranged and yet here is a woman who appears every bit as satisfied and assurred in her role. She didn’t need to farm out her kids and over extend herself to the point of napping the bank teller line (a real story KS not only tells but recommends) to acheive it and I thought that was worth noting. […]
on 15 Aug 2007 at 6:56 pm 11.Living Deliberately » An Alternative to Kathryn Sansone….. said …
[…] “Women First, Family Always“, by Kathryn Sansone, book review part 1 and part 2. […]
on 14 Sep 2007 at 7:49 pm 12.Living Deliberately » Stay-At-Home-Mom transitions to Work-At-Home-Mom with Mixed Results. said …
[…] what happens when the posting slows down. In addition, my major keywords continue to be Kathryn Sansone and the posts I wrote whilst reviewing her book over a year ago. Blog-Wisdom says make my blog more about my most common keyword search but while I […]
on 27 Jan 2008 at 8:27 pm 13.kathryn said …
Excellent and thoughtful reviews here. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments from so many interesting women!
on 09 May 2008 at 6:26 pm 14.Eve said …
Ever since Oprah went on record on her TV show, saying Jesus is not God and there are many ways to get to Heaven,,she lost me. I think there are women out there who look up to her like a prophet and do what she says, buys what she says and just follow like sheep. She has too much influence on very young mothers and it is a little scary.
We might not want to have as many children as the Duggers but they all seem well adjusted and happy so Mama must be doing something right.
on 29 Sep 2008 at 3:33 pm 15.Living-Deliberately.com » Michelle Duggar in my town… said …
[…] First, Woman Always. Actually, a good portion of my traffic is still for the keywords, “Kathryn Sansone” (the author of the book) and that title, and also the contrast I blogged about in Michelle […]