books 01 Mar 2006 10:07 am
Mean Girls Grown Up, part 1
This one is taking me longer than I thought. It is SUCH a thought provoking book, bringing to my mind each and every female relationship I’ve had, both good and bad. Specifically it’s a look at Relational Aggresion, frankly put, the catty ways women go at each other. In alot of ways the book is compilation of stories and experiences, dividing women into three categories: the Queen Bee (the bully), the Middle-Bee (her go-getter), and the Afraid-to-Bee (the victim).
The opening sentence: “It happens when you least expect it: the sudden, painful sting that hurts deeply, because you thought you were in a safe place, with other women immune from harm.” Relational Aggression is: “the use of relationships to hurt another, a way of verbal violence which words rather than fists inflict damage”. Far from stopping in high school, the author shows how this can continue on into adulthood. What it looks like between mothers, co-workers, etc.
The thought that continually runs through my mind is this: This (Queen Bee stuff) is what happens when women are wounded. It’s what happens when there is a void of Godly older women showing younger women how to maturely relate to one another.
The author, Cheryl Dellasega, is clear that the damage can be undone and behavior can be changed, even after a long time of one pattern and she begins that point right in the first chapter. It’s good to be reminded of as the book goes on. Right now though, I’m in the thick of the descriptions and the explanations of “why” and “how”. Here are a few quotes:
“When we go into battle, our ammunition is our prestigious careers, our brilliant children, our better homes, cars, clothes, and vacations, even our illnesses and shortcomings (my note: women are REALLY good at false humility when competing for who has it hardest!). As long as we have the biggest and the best, we can outshine everyone else and, in some twisted way, legitimize ourselves.”
Security seems to play a huge part, as in this testimonial:
“We celebrate the similarities of our intrests as writers, painters, and middle-aged women who have known each other since undergraduate school, but this did not come to us until we dropped the expectations of each other that kept us unsecure, poised for disappointment, and always competing for a place in the other’s life that we could not trust we already had.”
“Women of all ages develop thier identities in the context of relationships. Who they are and how they feel about themselves often come from friendships and partnerships. ”
“Bullies rarely recognize themselves as such, which is part of the problem. The women…described themselves as “take charge”, “too direct”, “needing help with interpersonal skills”, “high achiever”, and “having ultra-high expectations”. “They…won’t admit they’ve made a mistake despite logical and reasonable rebuttals. They…have an uncanny ability look good to peers and superiors. They…may turn on subordinates who support them. They…act on perceptions rather than reality. (And then) thier vicitims of the attack may search for flaws in thier own behavior that explain the assult.”
I’ve just gotten into the Middle-Bee section, which for all intensive purposes seems to describe the “busy bee” behavior that has been preached and taught against most of my life. What is like a lightbulb moment for me is the discovery that such ‘going in between’ stuff is not just destructive to a situation or the victim involved, but also the affect it has on the middle bee herself and the enabling it does to the Queen. The old admonishions of “don’t gossip or tell tales” play into a complexity that is bigger than that because women themselves are more complex. It’s precisely the lack of “black and white” in women’s relationships that make them tricky to navigate.
