Living-Deliberately.com

Yesterday was an excersize in emotionally charged organized chaos. Think: that pulsating moment before a storm breaks, where the birds have just stopped singing and the leaves are holding thier breath. Now imagine yourself STUCK in the moment and you can’t get out of it. Well, that reminds me of a song….but I digress.

For those of you who didn’t get that reference, the song is from U2, and it, like the storm analogy, would be an appropriate description for the day yesterday.

I never cried. I just got that “I’m tearing up” choked-throat feeling over and over and over….

exhibit A: shame and anxiety: we all have our demons and seeing someone else’s come out spilling all over the place can be hard to get through. It wasn’t the point but it became a psuedo-target: my effort was the picking place. Shame, from those old feelings of not being good enough. Anxiety, from not knowing how far it’s going to go this time and digging my nails into the dirt to keep from going back there.

exhibit B: fear. I interviewed a new pediatrician yesterday. I was honestly afraid. I hate first impressions, both others’ and my own. I procrastinate to face the time of going back over what was at times a very complicated medical history. I don’t want to be rejected for my methods of raising children, methods not all doctors find respectable. I hate that dirty feeling of not being respected.

exhibt C: overwhelming relief! The office was beautiful. The doctors (two women, both very kind), were gracious and not patronizing. The main one I spoke with took more than ample time with me, answered every question and then some. The office staff was efficient and friendly and conversational. I loved every minute.

exhibit D: frustration. while I was wrapping up with the doctor the babysitter called to say the dog was lost. #%*#@ dog! Those were my last words out the door, “make sure the dog stays chained or inside”. This little beast, Lord love him, wouldn’t move off our porch while we were deciding to keep him or not. THEN when we do, and spend $$ on him, he takes to galavanting. Well, there went lunch and probably solitudnal grocery shopping as well. Time to drive around looking for Boy, hopefully before some benevolent stranger picked him up.

exhibit E: weariness. the bank. A reminder again that the commission check did not come through and how unspeakably frustrated I am with this job of dh’s. Knowing I squeezed blood from a turnip this month and miraculously we have everything covered again and feeling so dang exhausted from having obsess about every little penny.

exhibt F: hunger. Gave up on the dog and went to Target. Hadn’t eaten all day and by now it was 2. I got a hotdog and coke from the snack bar and choked on the MSG-filled saltiness of the dog. Ate instead a mustard smeared bun and drank the coke and bought a Snickers bar knowing full well that a sugar crash was in my near future. Ate it while running through the store to grab diapers, wipes, and dog food (the sitter called and said the dog came home. Guess I’ll buy his food now).

exhibit G: despair. Dragging my crashing self through the grocery store parking lot, talking to David about when he’d be home with Celia so I could get her back to the doctor at 4. (Doc wanted to resolve an issue C has had for awhile). Cutting it close; he thought he’d be home by 3:45. I had to get the babysitter home in Friday traffic between then; it was 3:15.

exhibit H: panic. At 4 I was on my way back from the sitter’s house to get C and head down to the doc’s. Got in the office at 4:15 and heard the staff discussing if they’d see me or not. Held my breath. They are nice and they said “yes”. Realized I was out of time to get focaccia dough in the oven to rise. There went my dinner plan.

exhibit I: angry. C’s rx is expensive and the insurance won’t cover it until May 3. We have W’s medical bills as well to pay now from his ER visit a few weeks ago. There is no choice but to use my Florida trip money to cover it. This hurts. I’m so tired.

exhibit J: foreboding. Those demons from the morning came out again. I’m not the only one who’s tired. Sometimes we lie so close to the edge and the temptation to vent on what we can control, about what we can’t control, is often strong.

exhibit K: love and empathy. It felt good to hit the pillow. It was bitter sweet to utter tired, “I love you’s” and know we are in this thing together, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. We’ve got each other’s back and we pray we both don’t need it at the same time.

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