Life before 2008 27 May 2006 04:07 pm
Little Girl Blue
It’s a song Nina Simone sings; something I play in my quietest and darkest of moods. Her voice with it’s mahogany richness and raw depth strokes me like a hand on the coat of a black, shiny cat, and somehow, the mood smooths down like previously ruffled fur.
Of all the emotional responses, rage is the one I hate the most. Desperate Rage is the worst of all. It’s irrationality and steamrolling strength leave me wondering who I am in that moment, where the real me went, how to find my way back to her. I am exhausted and spent and weak. It’s dissatisfying with it’s venting, flattening like an exhale pushed too far rather than flat skin where the pressure under a pimple once wanted relief.
It makes me want to sleep…. and to work to earn my vindication. I want to hide it, be free from the reminder of my break down, my weakening. It makes the one I love look on with empathy, supportive voice and arms never leaving but I know praying that “I” will return. We are a team and one of us is struggling against the waves. Somehow, without merit, I was joined with someone who won’t let me sink down. Who will stand and listen and hold and be there when the cloud lifts and the world is sunshine and sunflowers again.
Ultimately, I despise the drama of it all. The neediness. The attention. It seems to me very pathetic.
on 04 Sep 2007 at 5:21 pm 1.Sixgunsue said …
This really struck me. I had this day last week. Your blog helped me through it. As well as my sturdy, durable,long suffering husband. The last line choked me up.
We are so alike. It struck me. S.