Life before 2008 19 Jun 2006 07:46 am
Car seats are for cars.
The latest issue of Mothering magazine tackles this topic, which is a growing problem among American parents. Who’d of thought?! It’s mostly a problem with parents who don’t even realize that they rarely HOLD their babies. The infant car seat is a great car seat but it’s not a replacement lap or set of arms. It’s not good for an infant’s back or head development to spend hours in one, it’s not good for the parent to be carrying the extra and awkward weight. And it’s no longer unusual for a baby to go from carrier/car seat to bouncey seat, to swing, to crib.
One sad aspect of this in my current environment is that it’s common for me to see an infant spend most all of their public babyhood in a carseat, until they positively exceed the weight limit, and then the mom will expect the baby to sit well on her lap. She may even discipline the toddler for not doing so! But this is first and foremost a child who is unaccustomed to being held for periods of time; the lap is an unfamiliar place. Imagine being used to sitting in a recliner for large parts of your day and then suddenly expected to sit and sit still on a surface that is alternately bony and lumpy and firm. It would probably take a lot of getting used to!
Sigh. Babies are babies for such a short time. When I look at my older two children, back in the days when I was reading books like Babywise and To Train Up A Child, and I realize how little I held them and how much I attempted to control and “condition” them, it makes me grieve the lost time. The lack of bonding can be improved but it can’t be wholly repaired; you never get those infant days of learning to be held and to trust back again. The parent/child relationship is built by HOLDING, by close communication, by being in each other’s presense with enough quantitative time to develop intuitiveness for one another. It’s that bond that can be built upon later when the discipine and training issues are much more serious, and with a good bond, “training” can even more be a “coming alongside” and lifestyle. The bedrock of communication is already there.
Car seats and lots of baby equipement do make it easier to “manage” having a baby around. They help entertain and sometimes keep safer when mom is busy and can even be a “second pair of hands” in a pinch. But our culture has taken it too far in my humble opinion. Maybe we don’t need to “manage” our babies….we need to mother them.
on 19 Jun 2006 at 3:16 pm 1.Cathy said …
Beautifully said! That part about your older two children, and grieving lost time…I’m right there with ya’! May I quote you to my doula group? One of them asked for my thoughts on Babywise, since I said I was a “reformed” Ezzo-ite. I never responded b/c I was afraid it would have taken a book. But you expressed my thoughts perfectly and succintly, and w/o being ugly or negative towards current adherents of those parenting styles.
Bravo.
on 19 Jun 2006 at 3:51 pm 2.Tia said …
sure you can quote it. I do have a book’s worth to say about it though….takes MUCH restraint LOL. I have learned that I really want to model for my children Grace and come alongside them and help them learn over time and with love…just like we do when we follow Christ.
on 19 Jun 2006 at 9:00 pm 3.Leigh said …
I have to comment! I am usually a reader but I have thought these thoughts for sooooooooo long! I don’t think people hold their babies anymore! I never put mine down! I NEVER took an infant seat into church! I loved that constant snuggling time, I felt like I knew what my babies wanted before they did! Maybe someone will do a study and show how important holding infants is and it will be the new “thing”.
on 20 Jun 2006 at 7:19 am 4.Tia said …
HI Leigh!!Who knew this would be topic to make you post!!
Wouldn’t that be great if they did? They are doing lots more studies about this flat head thing…and it’s primarily a cosmetic issue, which probably says even more about our vain culture that we won’t question a behavior until it affects our appearance. The other night I watched a documentary on Orangatans and they showed a mother nursing, kissing her baby’s ear, and holding it as she climbed and foraged. And I thought, “look, even the animals have it figured out”. Those mommas were so attentive, as if it were second nature, and still went on with their day only with baby in tow.
on 20 Jun 2006 at 9:43 pm 5.TulipGirl said …
My Mom modelled and instilled in me a great desire to spend LOTS of time holding my baby. So, even though my first was Ezzo’d, I didn’t have a carseat bucket, didn’t use a stroller until he was 6 months, and he spent almost all of his “waketime” on my lap. I’m glad we did that. Probably limited some of the harm of the Ezzo stuff. . .
By the time I had my fourth, it was hard to give that undevoted attention to the baby that I gave my first. I’m glad I’d let go of the Ezzo stuff by then, embraced using a sling and co-sleeping, and enjoyed the natural rhythms and routines of life with baby along for the ride. . .
on 21 Jun 2006 at 9:21 pm 6.HolyExperience said …
I too grieve…in anguish at times…. the lost babyhood of my eldest to my lack of discernment regarding the implementation of Ezzo. Our sixth babe was wrapped and wore, co-snuggled, nursed as needed/desired…and I have cherished every moment of it…and many comment on what a sweet child she is. Yes car seats ARE for cars—with our sixth, it stayed permanently in the van and I never brought into the house. ever.
on 22 Jun 2006 at 7:37 am 7.Tia said …
Hi there! I clicked on your blog and I realized right away, “hey! I’ve been here before! I recognize those kids!” And I love your observance of the Holy in the Everyday. Beautiful.
on 11 Jul 2006 at 12:48 pm 8.Adrianna said …
I have so wanted to make copies of the Mothering article and hand it out to every mother of a “bucket baby” that i see! Anyone been brave enough to do anything like that?? I DO tell mothers that are wearing their babies how great I think it is they aren’t putting their babies in buckets, but I want to do something more “consciousness raising!”
on 11 Jul 2006 at 3:06 pm 9.Tia said …
I’ve never said it to a mom face to face, with her baby in the car seat. What I mostly do is just try to live the way I’m convicted to and let that be it’s own visual. Very often I’m the *only* mom holding her baby, or still nursing, or whatever. And then of course I have this blog, which is my place to blabber about my opinions on my own turf LOL! But it’s read by others and so in it’s own way, I”m doing what I can to encourage other moms to think more about some of these things our culture lulls us into mindlessly doing.