Life before 2008 20 Jul 2006 07:56 am
Positive Training
Often when parents discuss different child training techniques, they are punitive. To spank or not to spank? What kind of restriction? What is their “currency” to control so you can, uh, motivate them?
A friend recently reminded me of an idea to get on the other side of rebellion. You know, with stubborn personalities (both children and parents sometimes!) a near competition can get going on “who’s going to win”. We keep upping the ante to get ‘em to break down and often they just dig their heels in deeper.
So she said, “just keep that child with you, by your side, all day.” Now there’s a thought! At first I remembered that when bugged by a persistant child who is refuting absolutely everything you say, distance is what is really craved. As in, “go to your room”. Or to make ‘em pay, like, “you will NOT go out with your friends until you obey.”
But maybe you don’t even tell the child that staying with mom for the day is the “punishment”. Just invite them to help you with breakfast. Or go sit on the edge of their bed first thing and rub their back. Find a way to spend some good one on one time with that child, shopping or working. Engage them constantly, as much as possible, while going about your day. It changes the momentum alright. A positive way to get on the other side and change the way things are flowing.
I gave it a shot yesterday and what I got in return was: a reminder of what a neat kid I have, an incredibly more open child to what I had to say, cooperativeness, unsolicited thanks for lunch together, a return to creative thought and willingness on his part to work with, rather than rail against, being in a family, and an offering of what he’s been thinking about and pondering.
It may not seem that a day of lunch and a milkshake, special back rubs and time spent talking without siblings around listening in is a very good “punishment” or “training method”. When we are focused on how to control another person because they won’t control themselves, “coming alongside” isn’t often what comes to mind. But getting on their level, being adult enough to back out of the show down, and give them some mental space while clearing the other priorities so that you can minister to whatever need they have certainly has a powerful effect.
on 20 Jul 2006 at 9:27 am 1.Bannergranny said …
I wish that I had learned this when you were growing up….how different things could have been. This is one of the best child rearing techniques I’ve ever heard of. Way to go!