Living-Deliberately.com

Time….it’s been on my mind today.

My friend Julie posted this, about what her daughter brought home from school:

“J, 17 year old daughter, is currently studying psychology in high school and daily regales us with useful information about relationships and brain chemistry. So the other day, she bounds into the kitchen and demands: “What do you think the three things are that kids need from parents?”

Love?

Food?

A really cute fall wardrobe?

Here are the big three:

1. Time (as in time spent with the child)
2. Consistency (as in providing a base that child can count on)
3. Enthusiasm (as in “Woo-hoo - great idea, do that! I’m your fan.”)”

And “time” sat at the front of my brain all day.

Parenting requires time. That’s kind of a “no brainer” kind of statement and yet our culture has about as many intrepretations of what that should look like as we do bad hair days, which back in Florida looked like a dye job forming “roots” but around here could be that lingering 80’s mullet….on a woman.

Awhile back I read a book that dealt with the time we spend with/around/doing stuff for our children. Woman First, Family Always by Kathryn Sansone kinda pushed my buttons. There, all laid out in a shiny happy imagery (with an immaculate dye job and manicure), is an example of the “it’s all about quality” time kind of parenting. This pov seems to postulate that if you get a few choice moments with each child before the day is done, you’re doing a great job. They can have schedules so crammed a five year needs a palm pilot, they can spend the majority of their days having their needs met by everyone but their parent, but when the long day is over, if you get to sit for a few mintues or tuck them in or text message them how their day went, you’re doing okay.

A year later that still kind of splats on my windshield like a fat, black cicada. Hear that?

I want more. I birthed these kids, dreamed of them for years and years before they ever got here, and I get one shot to spend their childhoods with them. I want more than a few moments before bed, when we’re all tired and ready to sleep. A few mintues isn’t good enough, it doesn’t give enough space to really get to know the neat person inside. It doesn’t allow for happenstance miracles that one only gets to experience when they’re there. So much of “parenting” occurs between the sidewalk cracks, the unpredictable moments that fit inbetween the bigger things of the day.

And yet….I find myself experiencing the same panicked wonderment of, “am I spending enough time with my kids?” Do all parents wonder that? Even when it doesn’t make sense?
I”m physically present for my kids most hours of the day. Anytime they need me, I’m only a few feet, at most a room or two, away. We sit together as a family for three meals a day, seven days a week. Our van isn’t equipped with a DVD player so our long car trips are usually spent talking to one another. Our yard work is done by us, our shopping is done together, we’re together for worship, our education is for the most part together. When we go to activities, it’s, you guessed it….together. My kids aren’t yet old enough for me to leave them at home alone so when I run to the store for milk, it’s with everyone loaded. I manage a hair appointment now and then, a little scrapbooking, or time out by myself, but I don’t get a paycheck, don’t have a working wardrobe, get very little feedback from the kind of job I’m doing, won’t be playing on any sports teams, and consider a date night with my husband a beautiful luxury…because it is one.

I could be the poster child for “quantity”. Even when my mind is elsewhere, when I’m busy with the house or another sibling, or a phone call…I’m here.
Why do I do that? Well here it is folks:

Their childhood isn’t about ME. This isn’t about what I want. There isn’t enough TIME in the world to make up for a lost childhood where growing up had to happen too fast, where hurts took place and were never kissed and made better, where ideas have to be squelched because they didn’t fit into the schedule.

I don’t think one can choose quantity over quality or vise versa. Kids need parents who are engaged, who are interested, who are enthusiastic and eager. Sometimes a few minutes is all you get and they have to fortified and concentrated minutes! But Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, that isn’t how you make a garden grow. It might take sacrifice to make it happen. It might end up being “what my life is all about”. These are not the days for pursuing my own dreams and goals while giving my kids the dredgy little leftovers I have at the end of the day.

“You can have it all” isn’t a lie. “You can have it all at the same time” is though. To every thing there is a season and a purpose under heaven.

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