The Journey to Orthodoxy 17 Dec 2006 09:12 pm
This is my body, which is broken for you…
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It’s been a couple of months since we last attended our beloved church in Knoxville. Moving out here to the country made regular attendance difficult, then our hearts were challenged and led through ancient doors, and the result is that we’ve regularly been visiting an Orthodox church in Oak Ridge. We loved everyone and just about everything about our church so it is odd and unsettling to find ourselves no longer a part when there was no negative catalyst making the change happen. No scandal, no offense, no argument. Just a move and then an internal journey and now a new location both in our bodies and hearts.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that Sunday sometime this past fall, when it was to be our last Sunday at our Presbyterian church, it was also our last Sunday for quite some time to partake of the communion elements. Both the Presbyterians and the Orthodox “fence†the table; the Presbyterians would issue a welcome to those “baptized and part of a bible believing churchâ€, and the Orthodox, fence it as those who have joined with the Orthodox Church. Those not part of this parrish may partake, if they are Orthodox, but those who are not Orthodox may not. As the priest sings, “the holy things are for the holyâ€.
And I am hungry.
While Presbyterians, we took communion every week, a rarity within protestant churches. More than that, we took it as a baptized family, our children as well, “from that wonderful cupâ€. Good bread and real wine while the congregation sung Psalms and whole family groups went up and the pastor blessed each one made it the fulfilling climax of each Lord’s Day worship. We understood it to be a sacrament that bestowed grace upon us and it sustained us.
I first became aware that I’d likely be facing a season without the elements when our pastor called to talk to us about the Lutheran church we considered out here. There were some differences in how the two denominations viewed what actually happens during communion…..big words like “conâ€substantiation, and “transâ€substantiation, words that describe just how Jesus is part of the sacrament, if it’s really his body and blood and so on. The summation was that we likely could visit there but not commune.
Through visiting, we found the Lutheran church here was a wrong fit for us for a multitude of reasons though, and none of them had anything to do with communion. The fragments of division waited on every corner and left us wondering how there could be so many versions of “the†way. Right about that time we read “At the Corner of East and Now†by Frederica Mathewes-Green and life started to really change.
We wanted to listen in quiet. To hear, to explore, and not to argue any more, weary of having to always have “the rightest answerâ€. Touching the ancient, imitating the earliest followers of Christ spoke to us of a faith that wasn’t lonely, but rather crowded….crowded with saints and angels and fellow journeymen. It penetrated beyond our “lifestyle†into our essence, our souls, and engaged our every sense in the call to “come and follow meâ€.
When one is ready to cease mere inquiring about Orthodoxy, one becomes a catechumen. The word is Greek for “learnerâ€. Being a catechumen is for an indeterminate time, based individually, but at the end the learner, if already baptized, becomes chrismated, not unlike the wedding after the engagement.
There is a time in the Divine Liturgy where the catechumens come forward and are prayed for by the congregation and blessed by the priest.
“Let us, the faithful, pray for the catechumens that the Lord will have mercy on them.â€
and the church sings, “Lord have mercy.†The priest sings again, “That he will teach them the word of truth,â€. The church sings, “Lord have mercy,†and again, “That he will reveal to them the Gospel of Righteousness.â€
“Lord have mercy…..â€
And it goes on. At the end, the catechumens “departâ€, though not physically any more as they once did. They just stand in the back as the rest of the church prepares to take communion.
It’s a beautiful time, one that gets caught in my throat at the profound wonder, moving me to cry each week. The church and choir repeat over and over, “now lay aside all earthy cares†and a feeling descends that we are not alone in the room, but quite surrounded by others. The Nicene Creed is sung, there are many more prayers, a hymn to the Theotokos, the Lord’s Prayer and then…
“Let us attend! Holy things are for the holy!â€
I take a step back, my head bowed. The line is forming to go up for communion, each with their arms crossed over their chests but for the parents holding babies. The choir sings, “Take the body of Christ, taste the fount of immortality.â€
The bread and wine are mixed together and served on a spoon. Each is fed and then they kiss the chalice the holds the elements. From there they go over to a small table that holds blessed bread….the original loaf was divided, and while some went to become “the lamb†for communion, some other was set aside, blessed and for all. They take a piece of bread, and some take pieces plural, and a few walk over to our corner.
It’s at this point that I feel a wash of relief come over me. I’ve watched the little babies with a mix of envy and gratitude….it is beautiful to see the agelessness that surely mirrors heaven, but I also watch them with a pang of realizing that they can do what I can not right now, they taste what I am closed off from. It is so simple for them, which is just as it should be, but I do long for the day that I will line up as well. The communicants approach us, giving each of a bite of blessed bread in fellowship. I accept the blessing that it is, eagerly caring for every crumb. It is what is available to me now but it’s not the body and I miss the grace.
And yet, I’m also afraid. There is a time at the end of the liturgy when they all line up again, this time catechumens and communicants alike and kiss the cross and the priest’s hand that holds it. They’ve kissed icons and bowed as the scriptures were brought in, as the incense was shaken their way in blessing. I find I stand there feeling very unworthy and often afraid to move.
In fact, never in my christian life have I ever come so face to face with my own wretchedness, my smallness, my hesitation to receive and really open myself to the fullness of what surely a life that follows Christ must hold. It occurred to me today that this may just be a common response, as they pray before communion, “And make me worthy to partake without condemnation of Thy most pure Mysteries….â€
After the Divine Liturgy this morning we gathered together in front of the iconostasis (icon stand/wall that divides the altar from the sanctuary) and were blessed by Father Stephen, made catechumens, learners of the Orthodox church. Even that had it’s own liturgy, no doubt passed down through the ages for use when others in time made a similar journey. I don’t know how long we will rest in this stage, how long before we taste the fullness. I feel an infant again, with much to learn before a vast ocean to draw from. I do hope and pray for the courage, the feeling of worthiness, enough to approach and kiss, to bow and venerate, and one day, be fed.
on 18 Dec 2006 at 12:47 am 1.Kim said …
A lovely post.
on 18 Dec 2006 at 1:24 am 2.Sarah K. said …
This is one of those posts that leaves me struggling to comment, and so usually I wouldn’t. On the other hand, I know how much courage it takes to “officially” start down a new religious path. Your post truly is lovely.
May God show you the way, help you find what you are seeking, and fill you with His peace.
on 18 Dec 2006 at 10:17 am 3.Fr. Stephen said …
Tia,
Truly what a lovely post. My prayer is to always have the same hunger in my heart for Christ and that he ever keep it alive in yours. Welcome to the journey.
on 18 Dec 2006 at 10:30 am 4.Beth said …
Wow. A catechumen, huh? You move fast girl! I know that feeling of not being in communion anywhere, and it does get old. I hope you’ll find great things during your journey, about God, about yourself, about the nature of the church… Blessings on you.
I love the part of the mass (sounds similar to your service) where we are all kneeling and we all admit aloud, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you. Only say the word, and I shall be healed.” Always gives me pause.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 4:01 am 5.Susanne said …
Great stuff here, Tia.
The Anglican prayer goes:
“We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from thy Table. But Thou art the same Lord whose property is to always have mercy.”
I also like that because we are baptized (all but B), we can partake in Communion in the Anglican practice.
I admit to taking my BCP with me to monthy Communion at the EV Free Church and reading from it silently as Communion there unfolds. The words are so beautiful and enfold the mysteries so delicately — far from the symbolic service going on around me.
I love, love Frederica’s books.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 1:36 pm 6.gina said …
I felt speechless too. It all sounds nice and pretty, sacred even, but I struggle with the rituals that are not bible based. Does one become bored with God’s word? I really feel led to respond since your mom and Gigi haven’t and I hope it doesn’t sound harsh, cause it’s not meant to. I’m saddened to see you struggling with what you believe, because we were raised in the same faith and you much longer than I. I hate to say it, but will your kids really know the only way to heaven is only through Jesus Christ or will they question the way? Not by the Theotokos, not by becoming a catechumen, but by repenting to GOD(not a priest) and asking him to come into their little hearts, perhaps they already have- I pray that is so. Have you considered taking some courses at a Bible college or even just a ladies bible study- that might curve the hunger that you have? Even night classes in theology- seems you are wanting actually just more depth to your faith?? Learning all you can is great- just don’t jump head-first:-) Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!
on 19 Dec 2006 at 2:06 pm 7.Tia said …
Gina…you said a lot there; not sure how much I can adequately respond to since my first reaction is that I’ve already addressed most of these questions in the previous months. But I’ll try. I do thank you for the sentiment behind the words.
“I struggle with the rituals that are not bible based”
Can you tell me which ones you mean? What do you think about the 500 or so years when there was a church but not a bible? The church wrote the bible and was worshiping all that time.
“Does one become bored with God’s word?
I do not know. I certainly am not “bored” with God’s word.
“will your kids really know the only way to heaven is only through Jesus Christ or will they question the way? Not by the Theotokos, not by becoming a catechumen, but by repenting to GOD(not a priest) and asking him to come into their little hearts, perhaps they already have- I pray that is so.”
That’s a big question! David and I have consistently believed and taught them that Jesus is our Lord and savior. Do you think somehow that Orthodoxy does not teach that? The Theotokos doesn’t save me but she does factor in the christian life. Confession is to God, not a man, though it may be in another’s presence. As for “asking God to come into their little hearts”, three of our children have made consistent statement that they believe for themselves, as much as one can accept from a child. We raise them as if they are christian children, not heathens on the verge of apostacy. I do believe that each life comes to a point in their own journey where they will sift through “what I believe” and how they were raised will come into it, no matter what kind of background they have. At some point they will have to decide if the faith of their fathers is the faith they themselves own. For now, as children, we believe they do.
Being a catachumen doesn’t save anyone. It is part of the process of becoming part of the Orthodox church. I do not know why you would get the impression that I a: didn’t feel like I was christian and b: was looking for my salvation through any other way than Christ.
“Have you considered taking some courses at a Bible college or even just a ladies bible study- that might curve the hunger that you have? Even night classes in theology- seems you are wanting actually just more depth to your faith??”
Short answer to a long journey: yes. So much so over the years that I not even know what else to say. If you could see our bookshelves you probably wouldn’t have suggested that.
I’m actually quite grateful for where I am right now and would not consider it jumping “head first”. For most of this year I could not pray. By summer I was nearly agnostic. Why there are people who consider becoming Orthodox to be worse than that is beyond my comprehension. When I’d almost lost everything, I was shown a fullness I could have only dreamed of.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 2:08 pm 8.Tia said …
One more thing…my mom hasn’t commented no doubt because they are moving this week. She has read a few books on Orthodoxy and understands and supports this.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 4:12 pm 9.gina said …
This could lead to a huge debate of which I know you know the answers. I know nothing about the Orthodox church other than what I have read on your blog which has always been very adequately explained in a picturesque view. And I’m not one to argue one’s choice of religion, in fact, I think I’m pretty diplomatic with accepting others beliefs because I too searched around to others before we settled at Calvary (right where it all began). I do know that kids can get confused by a lack of stability though. Since we do all go through the stage where we want to see what else is out there, usually that happens before kids. In your case it didn’t which is neither here nor there, but my only comment really was that if they were mostly raised Presby and are now doing a 180- could be a alot for a 6 year old to comprehend that quickly? And what does Andrew think? Tyler would sure have alot to say if we did something like this. Just a different viewpoint.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 4:21 pm 10.Tia said …
The kids have a lot to say…they were sad to leave a church we loved! They miss their friends and Orthodoxy is very different in a lot of ways. But we’re only taking each step as the whole family is ready; there’s no “dragging them along” going on. One thing I love is that everyone we’ve met at the O church speaks to them with respect, like real, valued people and takes their concerns and questions very seriously. No question has proved to be too small or bothersome. Kids pick up on that…they aren’t being dumbed down and what they say matters.
One thing I want to address that you said that I’m not sure I can even put into words…you said, “we do all go through the stage where we want to see what else is out there, usually that happens before kids. In your case it didn’t”….
You know, I was raised baptist and when we made the change to Presbyterian it was long, slow, steps with much research and prayer along the way. I can’t say that “I didn’t go through the process of knowing what I believe for myself” because I know I did. And it worked for a long time. But life isn’t static and where I was ten years ago isn’t where I am now. I can look back and see how that got me ready for where I am now, so I don’t see it either like two unrelated places, or where one may say, “that didn’t work; let’s try this.” If anyone asked me a year ago about faith, I had lots of “right” answers and felt quite secure in where I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is that just because one goes through a process and makes a choice at one point in their lives (say, before kids), does not mean they will never face spiritual crisis again.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 4:28 pm 11.Tia said …
One other thing…if all you know of Orthodoxy is from what I’ve said, and you think that:
~they use rituals that are unbiblical
~ being Orthodox means the bible isn’t enough and is boring,
~ that they teach salvation through other than Jesus (Mary, being a catachumen, etc)
~that confession to a priest is not only what they do, but also that confession to God is not enough
then I am either grossly misrepresenting Orthodoxy or simply doing a seriously inadequate job and maybe should just hush.
This to me is much more serious than the idea of you (or anyone else for that matter) thinking we’d participate in that, that we’d be heedlessly confusing and yanking our kids from tradition to tradition, or that we simply hadn’t read enough. That’s small potatoes next to misrepresenting the Church.
on 19 Dec 2006 at 6:01 pm 12.Tia said …
comments come in fragments when one gets up a lot! Sorry!
But…. maybe it’s just a tiny thing to clarify but I wanted to clarify that I think a “180″ would be like becoming an athiest, Buddhist, Muslim…becoming Orthodox is still being a christian and therefore, not such a big change after all. Quite “stable”.
on 22 Dec 2006 at 8:24 pm 13.Steve said …
I just stumbled upon your blog from Fr. Stephen’s. I don’t know if we’ve met but I’ll introduce myself next time I see you guys at church.
on 22 Dec 2006 at 11:37 pm 14.Angela said …
Many years to you and your family! I also just came across your blog tonight from Fr. Stephen’s blog.
I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you properly on Sunday. It is very exciting to become a catechumen and officially start the journey towards chrismation.
on 27 Dec 2006 at 2:25 am 15.David_Bryan said …
Thank you for this. I love reading these. Welcome to the family, and to the struggle.
on 29 Dec 2006 at 8:26 pm 16.Vassos said …
there is nothing wrong being a Orthodox, all we do is follow the un broke chain of teaching, not changed or added.
on 30 Dec 2006 at 10:45 am 17.gina said …
Hey Tia,
I will try to look into the Orthodox religion further before I post another comment about it. Please forgive me. Sometimes thoughts should not be written:-)
on 31 Dec 2006 at 11:20 am 18.Larry McClelland said …
Tia, very interesting and sincere. Several years ago a friend asked me to help a Byzantine Parish which was running way overcost in the expansion of their Church, specifically if I could come up with recommendations for less expensive matierals. During my tour of the Church every facet of the Sanctuary it’s meaning and importance were explained to me, what could be altered and what could not. I came away with a deep appreciation of how faith and tradition are not mutially exclusive. Later when my daughter’s high school friends asked her to attend their Greek Festival we visited one of the most beautiful modern Churches I have encountered in twenty years. I asked for and got a two our tour of the nearly completed Church, marble from Greece ( rather than paneling in the Byzantine Church) Icon painters from Greece ( rather than a volunteer from Pittsburg) but both adhered to tradition and thier faith came through in their work. I was reminded by both of the parable of the seeds sown on barren ground which wither and die, the seeds sown which sprout quickly but without nourishment don’t survive and the seeds sown on fertile ground. I have seen the Mega Churches with their light shows and sound and picture screens and the ethusiastic hand clapping and dancing but I don’t see the quiet inner faith. I put them in the middle category, in a few years they will need some other form of entertainment and wither and die spiritually.
on 31 Dec 2006 at 10:14 pm 19.Don Bradley said …
I waited 2 years without communion before being Chrismated, as I was in a Greek parish. My kids were teased by other kids. The process was excruciating. Fr. Stephen won’t make you wait long; he tends to move quickly, which is good.
Protestant communion is not comparable to Orthodox communion; in Protestant communion they are giving rememberance or endlessly examining themselves, whereas in Orthodox communion we are mystically and actually receiving Christ. It’s worth the short wait you’ll have.
Protestants like to poke at us and demand we justify every detail with THEIR narrow reading of scripture, while their extra-biblical practices can’t be questioned. Ever notice how the entire Divine Liturgy, every phrase, is directed toward God Himself? Just wait until Lent and Holy Week when we get into some awe-inspiring Liturgy.
Orthodoxy is about entering into the life of the Holy Trinity. You’ll fit in real quick at St. Anne’s. There are no head trips, no personal agendas, no cliques, and no spiritual superstars. Welcome.