Life before 2008 26 Jan 2007 09:23 am
Personhood
In our new church there are two children with autism. While one stands in the same general area throughout the service time, the other dances and moves around freely. I consider it a grace almost that Orthodox churches don’t have pews; they would restrict her. Maybe the conventional protestant format would even confine her away through the service time, keeping her from the environment entirely and us from experiencing the reminder of how unique and precious every soul is. It’s almost laughable at times, when I think of my previous encounters with the debate over “children in church”, knowing that there’s a good chunk of people out there who can not handle a toddler’s chatter let alone the unpredictable dance of autism.
Rather than distract me from the “point” of worship though, Kate is drawing me closer to Christ. I know very little about her but I that hasn’t stopped my wonder at her. Her rhythms, their patterns; what at first seemed random and almost spastic, can sometimes seem lyrical and quite intentional. She has a variety of sounds: “purring” noises deep in her thoat, little moans of various tones. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a song. She expands my vision of heaven.
She seems to like to look at me. Often she comes up and lightly touches the back of my hair, in the middle of my back, especially when it’s unbraided and hanging loose. She comes and takes me by both hands and seems to want to lead me, and then when I respond, she lets go and moves across the room again. She’ll try again and again for eye contact, not unlike a toddler playing “peek a boo”. Last week her dance included repeated walks up to the icon of St. Nina for a quick brush, fingertip to cheek, and I caught my breath every time she did it. She leads me to questions. Questions that may not have answers but questions that I can’t help but acknowledge the benefit of their asking.
I’ve been amazed at the sensory-ness of the few autistic people I’ve come into contact with or seen. If they seem in “another world”, it’s not that I see them as “less than”. Rather, watching them makes me want to crawl inside with them for a few moments and see what they see, hear what they hear, feel what they feel. I feel a hunger to connect, maybe moreso when I hear someone dismiss that as a possiblity. Surely there has to be some way for a soul to know another soul.
I’ve had a hard time the last few weeks putting these feelings into words. Today while reading a new forum I’ve been visiting, I saw a link to this video. It is something I’ll be thinking of a lot in the days to come; it has a strong impact. Please watch it.
on 26 Jan 2007 at 10:31 am 1.Susan said …
Beautiful.
Thank you!
Susan
on 26 Jan 2007 at 4:45 pm 2.gina said …
I wasn’t able to get the video to work, but it’s likely my super slow computer. Tyler’s best friend has autism-it is so complex. He’s actually with him right now- they moved to Sault St. Marie(about three hours away) so Tyler only gets to see him every couple months now. They are so super smart- Zach amazes me. There’s a girl at our church too that has it I believe- very much like this girl you speak of- she dances and I just love to watch how much she gets out of worship. She feels it right in her bones, you can totally tell. I think I heard yesterday on the radio that 1 in 8 kids now had autism. That’s alot!
on 27 Jan 2007 at 7:25 am 3.Demetrius said …
From my pre-2001 years as a Catholic, I can confirm that Kate DIDN’T do well with the pews all over layout. She mostly spent the whole (much shorter) liturgy trying to get me to leave until it was so distracting for me and Luke that I stopped bringing her at all.
I’m not sure how much I would read into the Kate dance. Sometimes it is purposeful, but most of the time I just think it’s because she can’t NOT do it. That is, it would be an effort for her to stay still for any length of time. As you say, her brother Luke has no problem with this now, but until he was 12 or 13, that wasn’t the case. In fact, he used to escape from the house and just go in any direction about once or twice a year.
We’d try to guess what destination he had in mind (mainly to try making finding him easier). But I think autism is here to remind us that it is the journey that matters, not the destination.
Good luck. It’s a joy to have your family at St. Anne’s. Jeff
on 28 Jan 2007 at 6:52 pm 4.martha jane said …
I don’t know what to say, but I have to acknowledge this. I hope seeing this video will remind me not to make any assumptions about anyone–not to make statements out of my ignorance. I could not for a moment think that Luke and Kate are not thinking. They both seem quite strong in their opinions, each in his/her particular way. The main thing I have begun to see through the time I have known Luke and Kate, not so much about autism in particular, but about people in general, is how greatly we must humble ourselves before the mystery of any other human being, respecting their unique place in God’s plan, without criticizing or judging.
I have often had the thought that “normal” people have equally impenetrable ways by which they (we) put others at a distance, make themselves “safe” or unknowable, often so subtle or intricately developed, that even the person himself seems clueless. There is a kind of repetitiveness in this that seems not so different from Kate’s dance or Luke’s tasks. What is my dance, or yours? How can we begin to start moving together, to learn each other’s language?
Martha Jane
on 29 Jan 2007 at 11:09 pm 5.Don Bradley said …
Kate is cool. She reminds me that I bring nothing to God… but begging. I got used to her quickly.
My kids drive me nuts with no pews. They won’t be still, and wander all over the place. Pews kept them under my control.
on 30 Jan 2007 at 12:32 pm 6.gina said …
Oh, I heard the public service announcement again, autism affects 1 in 166- not 1 in 8 like I thought!