Living-Deliberately.com

We are waffling in the Land of If. It’s not where I like to be…not what I like to be about. I’d much rather chose a path, funnell all my momentum into it, make it the best it can be, and deal…for better or for worse. When we need to carefully weigh a situation, I then shift to preferring a deadline…some end in sight to the lists of pro’s and cons. For me, the worst place of all is having to analyze something, with an open-ended time frame, with nearly equally “doable” options, yet with still high stakes on the line (because I don’t bother with this emotional destination for the little stuff. C’mon…does it really matter if I wear the green dress or the blue? Have steak or chicken? No paralysis there).

Maybe that’s part of my discomfort: I’m unpracticed with choices. Some things are just of little consequence and I’ve found it easier to just do them and let my energy be directed into dealing with the result than sit and wonder endlessly. A lot of life is wasted that way…trying to decide, rather than just deciding and doing.

Still, seeing as I’m not the only person in my little family, and seeing that my needs are not the only ones to be considered, and seeing that God in Heaven decided to pair me with a deliberator (iow…a voice of caution for my tendancy towards heedlessness), we are weighing options. We had a time line but it was self-imposed and as such, becomes more and more flexed as we near it. Our lists of pros versus cons grows daily. Emotions are all over the place. “Enough Already!” I want to scream. “Let’s just DO IT.”

Which, of course, is not entirely true. I am tired. Today, rather than be disciplined with my to-do list, I want to nap. Deliberation, it turns out, also provides a bit of a grace period. What I really want I think, if I am honest with the mirror, is to “be there” already. Like the sweaty little kid in the back seat whose legs are sticking to the vinyl asking, “are we there yet?”, I’m ready for the next turn to be the driveway into home. I’m sick of the process and also suspect that the very process I’m tired of remains in order that I may learn something.

And so the mapless Land of If is where we currently reside. It’s quite hilly terrain….and curvy too; one can never quite see around the bend. Every road seems to possess a fork of choices. Some of the signs are askew and mangled. I suppose if every forest has an edge, so too must this. I wonder what’s on the other side.

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