the nitty gritty of motherhood 19 Sep 2007 02:00 am
Full-Time-Mothering: What is it?
I’m usually label-shy. I think labels are boxes and I don’t like putting people in boxes. But the label “full-time Mother” is a pretty broad one, or so I thought, and so I’ve worn it with pride. As we make this transition from one income to two, I’ve said frequently, “I have another full-time job”, because I consider myself to have *many* of those! Cooking 21 meals a week healthfully is a full time job! Homeschooling (if I were the one here doing it) can most certainly be a fully time job! During the summer, a garden and farmstead is a full time job (and one I cut when I took on first the business and then was handed medical issues to manage).
And so, when one is managing multiple full time jobs, one begins to cut corners where necessary. For instance, I’ll use paper plates and the house will get messy on weeks that have a lot of design work in them. I might order take out more than once. As stated above, when Wheaton was diagnosed, the first thing to go were the chickens, the extraneous puppies and kittens, and the garden was cut back. This year, Dad is doing most of the homeschooling. Educating and parenting can often have blurred lines but we are still keeping it “in house”.
And yet…there is a perception in existance that taking on a job that results in pay will immediately lead to *mothering* being cut! This surprises me more with the more thought I give it. That usually signals to me that it’s time to ruminate a bit on what I really think and challenge old ideas that may need revisiting. So that’s what I’m doing:
What really IS Full-Time Mothering?
I think until now (at least), I defined this for what I did and what I did NOT do. For example, I think of myself as a full-time mother because:
- I am with them for most of their waking hours.
- I am their primary source of food for the first two years.
- I birthed them.
- I taught them at least 50% of what they know (more?).
- I know all that goes into thier bodies and where it came from. In most cases, I also cooked it.
- I am the first person they see when they wake, the last face they see before sleep, and I’m here all day long for any need they may have.
- I’m here for a million little things, most of them unpredictible, but the stuff that makes up life
What I do not do (as of yet):
- leave the house without them daily
- have a babysitter
- bottle feed so I can “share” the responsibility of feeding babies
- work on anything “creative” (like a business) while I’m growing a person inside
- farm out their education
- persue personal goals outside of the context of family in large ways
All of this remains true. In addition, I work from home on a business that is non-homekeeping related. I don’t sell make-up or scrapbooking supplies or containers for your kitchen. I’m not my husband’s secretary. We do not sell curriculum to help you be a better homeschooler and there’s no pyramid scheme at work. And yet…the accusation that “full-time mothering” has ceased is there.
So what is “full time mothering” in your opinion? If I hire a babysitter for a few hours each week, am I still a “full time mother” in your estimation? If I use public school for their education, am I still a “full time mother”? Or do are we more comfortable as a culture saying “homemaker” in that capacity? If a “homemaker” contributes income, is she no longer then a “homemaker” in the strictest of senses? (Maybe that’s a question for the IRS LOL!). Am I a “full time mother” because I do all my own housework and laundry? If I get help with that, either in house or out, am I less of a “full time mother”?
I used to work as a nanny for a woman who’s children were in school all day and she had no job. I probably would not have considered a “full time mother” though she spent many hours more a week with her children than I get the impression someone like Kathryn Sansone does, who I also would not consider a “full time mother”. I think both women consider *themselves* to be “full time mothers”. Somewhere there is an invisible line I draw within my own mind, and I think others do as well, and I’m teasing out where that line really lies. Surely “full time mothering” is more than just the absense of a paycheck? Or is it?
My sister recently quit her job and came home to take care of her daughter “full time”. I’m pretty sure she’d say there’s a huge difference in her availablity to Ruthie now versus then, though she continues to earn a little money now that she’s home. I wonder if perhaps the contrast will remain greatest between those who actually leave the house to work and those who don’t. I think that camp of working mothers knows how much they juggle and generally tend to not even try to claim they are “full time mothers” (thougth I could be wrong, that is my perception; for better or for worse, there are various degrees of desire and conviction to ‘have it all’.) This nuance between those who are ALL at home, between earners and not-earners is what is facsinating me right now.
So let me hear it: what is “full time mothering” in your definition? Asking this question has led to other, follow up questions I’m asking, but I’ll start here for now.
p.s: to those who wonder *why* even ask this question in the first place, you may find this post to be helpful in understanding why the answer I arrive at matters to me.
on 19 Sep 2007 at 6:25 am 1.Tamara said …
I guess that in that string of things you have mentioned I’d add not surrendering your childrens time to their grand parents…
too many over eager inter-ferrers (is that a word ???) do not let their own children be _parents_ but yet see fit to micro manange and _inflict_ their notions on their grand kids….
this seems to me to steal from the whole notion of “leave your mama and daddy and be one flesh with that woman you married”
seems to me if you already raised an emotional cripple who cannot mangage themselves and their offsring…are you really doing a favor by starting on another ??
multigenerational is a _great idea_ in the context of the “grossvater” houses of the Old Orders when the elderly women share as a part of a whole unit the tending of the kids….
but they also can gather and plow and seed and harvest and sew and everything together…and in the end everyone goes back to their own houses at nnight
maybe in the ideas of all or nothing are blurred….folks want to run the show or not help at all….seems counterproductive to me…have a great morning…
on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:43 am 2.Amy said …
I don’t frankly know how you mother less than full time EVER if you are attending to the needs of your family … now that looks different for every family. If mothering means providing an income to the family … who is to say that isn’t what a mom was called to do?
You know, I worked full time for 6 years. And it was one of those jobs where I was the director, I was out of the house before 7 every morning, I did pick AJ up at public school, brought him home, fed my family and usually worked more. After years of the three of us co-existing in the same house and trying to re-connect on various breaks … I just decided that I couldn’t live the great American lie anymore. As a young woman I was taught that I could do it all! I had a right to do it all! Now, I was capable of doing it all … but not all at the same time. That spoke to MY capability and the set of circumstances in MY family. I worked because I believed I had to work. I believed we needed two incomes. I believed I’d gone to college to teach and I had to use my degree (as spoken by a professor the first time I left the field when AJ was born). I was trying to prove my worth. And the only thing worth anything in me is Christ. My circumstance, my issues, my calling. Not one that should be visited upon anyone else. No one else could fulfill the calling of me in my family. No one but you can fulfill the calling of you in your family. Whatever that looks like.
The Proverbs 31 woman was busy … but she was busy about her calling. She didn’t go for coffee three mornings a week, she didn’t volunteer for 365 different organizations, she didn’t spend 3 hours a day on the phone gossiping (all those things could keep you busy too!). She was busy meeting the needs in her family … and possibly her village. We don’t know that she didn’t earn a wage … she produced goods that would have been perfect for bartering … she had skills that could have easily allowed her to take in boarders … we don’t know. What we can say is that everything she did went to further the idea that she as her husband’s greatest asset. There’s the measuring stick and the balancing act. We can’t simply be busy for the sake of doing it all … we have to be busy blessing our families. Who better to determine that than one who filters everything they do through eyes that love their husband and children … full-time?
Probably should have just blogged on my own site:)
on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:47 am 3.SmallWorld said …
Yeah, what Amy said!
on 19 Sep 2007 at 9:14 am 4.bannergranny said …
Amy I could not have said it better….this whole article and comments would be good to save….points worth sharing with young moms just starting out….
on 19 Sep 2007 at 10:09 am 5.Tia said …
Great reply Amy! I think the key words in your post are “IF you are attending to the needs of your family”. Maybe that is where the unraveling of the issue lies….
Surely there must be a difference between qualitative and quantitative time? Is one “full time mothering” if they are delegating it all and doing none themselves? I think maybe in a theoretical sense I’d kind of consider that…but not in the real time essence. It’s simply not the same *qualitatively* if I make my child’s meal versus swing by and get them fast food for the 9th time that week, even though their belly is filled both times. Ditto the contrast of sitting and reading to them verus letting (or mandating) the TV do the lullaby.
on 19 Sep 2007 at 10:39 am 6.AnnMarie said …
If I may suggest something potentially off the wall…. My husband is a stay at home Dad. I wouldn’t say he’s a full time Dad, however, because he’s not THE ONE WITH THE KID 100% of the day. (Well, except when I’m on business trips or work really late.) Unless “full time” means the same thing as “working full time” IE 40 hours a week, in which case, yes, he’s with her 40 hours a week. But for omse reason the phrase “full time Mom” (or Dad) means to mean that the other parent (if there is one) isn’t doing anything. But I do things–I’m there after work, I usually feed her dinner (we actually prepare dinner about 50% each), I’m there after dinner, I help get her ready for bed. On the weekends, we trade days and he has her all day Sat and I have her all day Sunday. I’m also home if he’s sick, and if she’s really sick (has only happened once so far!). It leaves me out the picture–if he’s full time, how do I fit in? I’m no time? That’s not true! And even when she’s asleep in the evenings/mornings or on Saturdays that aren’t “my day” I’m still doing family stuff–gardening, cleaning, cooking, errands, etc. Those are part of being a Mom, too, even if she isn’t right there with me. (And she often is, except when she’s asleep.)
What I’m trying to say is that I simply don’t like the term “full time Mom” because it implies that’s all you do and all the kids have 100% of the time and that’s not true. And that shouldn’t be true. Does it make me a “part time Mom” because I’m technically with her only 26 hours a week? (Sounds more like someone who shares custody.)
We just call my husband a stay at home Dad. You are a working out of the home Mom. I’m a working outside the home Mom.
Never thought much about this before, so sorry if it’s a bit rambling. Exploring the idea here and now!
on 19 Sep 2007 at 10:45 am 7.AnnMarie said …
Oooh! I just read Amy’s comment–I love the part about how earning an income might be what you are called to do as a Mom. It’s certainly true in our case. My DH has a high school diploma while I have a PhD. He worked manual labor (exhausted coming home every day) while I have a very nice desk job (mentally exhausting at times, but not physically). When we were both working (for a short time), I made 5-6x as much as he did! He could not support our family on his income (under the poverty level) while I can. (Well, to be honest, people live under the poverty level all the time. But if you don’t have to, why?) He’s also much better suited to staying home all day. He adores kids and has far more experience than I do with them.
on 19 Sep 2007 at 10:53 am 8.gina said …
Amy- excellent comment here!
on 19 Sep 2007 at 7:24 pm 9.Tia said …
Welcome AnnMarie; that’s an interesting perspective you have shared. And the “40-hr” week is something I was thinking about and was hoping it would come out in discussion. One of the reasons I think it’s hard to determine what constitutes if “mothering” is one’s primary way of spending time is things like delegation, sleeping hours (in which one is still available to calm bad dreams or dole out medicine and hugs in the wee hours), or distance.
At the end of the day, I’m not sure if I’ve gotten any farther in my own thoughts on it. It feels a little like a cop-out to suggest that if I’ve arranged a day that is enacted entirely by others I’ve done the same amount of “mothering” that one person has done doing the job all day, both arranging AND enacting.
I know that when I worked daycare, I was more of a “mother” to many of those kids than they had at home and they often seemed more attached to us workers than they did their own parents. It was heartbreaking and a large reason why I swore I’d never put my children in daycare. There is a lot to be said for the quantity of time spent and who is doing the nitty gritty caregiving.
I like the line of thoughts that suggest a mother can be “mothering” her family through work and provision; it’s very open-minded and a nurturing way to look at what may be a necessity of life.
Right now I’m both earning AND full-time mothering, as best as I can understand and define it. At some point, I think I’ll be doing more earning and less “full time” mothering…but that is dependent on several factors and is what I’ll explore in the next post.
Thanks all for the participation!
on 20 Sep 2007 at 6:58 am 10.KMH said …
I am joining the conversation late, but I love what Amy said!
Kim
on 20 Sep 2007 at 8:48 am 11.Brigid said …
Under the right circumstances, good day care can enhance a child’s life. I had my daughters 18 months apart, at a time when we were living in a two-bedroom apartment in the center of Boston. I left graduate school when I had my second child, but I kept the older one in day care for a few hours two days a week so she could have some time to be messy and creative and rambunctious in a way that I couldn’t permit in our apartment—and so she could be away from the baby for a while.
I think kids benefit from the variety of getting out of the house and seeing different children, doing different things. I also think that mothers benefit from getting a break from their kids—it lets you clear your head a bit, maybe plan your day or just relax.
As long as kids have strongly committed and caring parents, as you clearly are, they can thrive in a variety of situations. Each family’s needs and wants are unique, and they shouldn’t be expected to all follow the same pattern.
on 21 Sep 2007 at 3:02 am 12.Living Deliberately » TGIF said …
[…] a hair cut and makeup but this should NOT be taken as a step away from my hippie-mom-in-birks-full-time-momma […]
on 21 Sep 2007 at 6:26 am 13.ShineOn said …
It’s a bit off topic, but I’m surprised at all of us women and mothers comparing ourselves so much to one another as if that defines our worth. Valuing oneself is where it all starts.
Each mom’s situation is different. Each mom does what she can to provide the best life for her children. We all do that in different ways. What brings success to some, doesn’t work for others, but I would encourage us not to be jealous or spiteful, judgmental or critical of others, but to respect their successes in this ever changing role of motherhood. That said, without knowing Kathryn Sansone, I think it would be wiser for us to celebrate how she finds success in her life than judge her without knowing.
I certainly don’t want to tell you or any other mother that they’re not really being a good mom or doing what’s best for their kids, because I’m not in their situation. I’m not them. I’m not here to judge others, but to learn from them. Take the good with the bad and make the most out of my own parenting and my own life.
Just a thought.
on 21 Sep 2007 at 2:11 pm 14.Cathy in Jax said …
If you commit all of your time to be a “full time” mom, wouldn’t your relationship with your husband suffer? And if you committed all of your time to your husband wouldn’t your children suffer? There needs to be a balance. The children need to have their dad just as involved in their lives as the mother is. And, when we are married why doesn’t anyone ask us if we are a “full time” spouse. You just can’t give 100% of yourself to anyone thing. If you do, something else is going to suffer.
on 21 Sep 2007 at 4:24 pm 15.Tia said …
Cathy: GOOD reminder!!
Shine On: I appreciate the sentiment you expressed. Kathryn though, put herself out there; I reviewed her book and weighed her suggestions. While I agree we need to support one another as *women*, I do not agree that all choices are equal. I think sometimes it’s tempting to sweep a heck of a lot of bad choices under the “this works for me” rug, when in fact those choices may have very damaging consequences.
Making sure I am making the best choice I can, and evaluating that choice periodically, is one way I *do* value myself and my family. I’m not into sticking with one choice solely because it’s easier, or my favorite rut…and investigating other ways and then examining them (the ways, not the people) in the light of my convictions is the way I do that. Caring about myself and my family enough to go through the difficult process of challenging my comfort zone is valuing our worth, imo.
Thanks for the comment and the thoughts. Tangents always welcome here!
on 22 Sep 2007 at 12:02 am 16.Chris said …
I am the husband side of CandC and the one who wrote the post which got the flurry of comments and blog postings regarding the Sept. 14th blog posting related to “full-time motheringâ€. Let me commence that despite the assumptions from all out there, nothing pious or bitter was meant or implied in my comments. My expressions were passionate and from the heart. Let me explain why I passionately said what I did when it comes to “full-time†mothering (FTM). Please note that in general, an FTM is a mother who does the best she can within, as well as in improving, her lot in life. In no way does my definition slight other FTMs.
My definition of the ideal FTM is a married, stay-at-home mother whose majority of attention is given to the nurturing and training of her children. Mothers who must (key word “mustâ€) work outside the home or in a home-business are no less of a mother. It’s just that their attention has been greatly diverted. It’s like when a couple marries. The Scriptures state that the married are not able to give their full attention to God because they need to meet the needs of their spouse. Spouses meeting one another’s needs is just as important to God as a single person giving his/her full attention to Godly service. An FTM will also be the help, support and all-around companion her husband needs in order to properly fulfill his role as provider and leader of his home. An FTM will also be the keeper (guardian, caretaker) of her house. Titus 2 clearly expresses this definition of an ideal FTM as well as well-known radio psychologist, Dr. Laura Schlesinger.
My sentiments expressed in my Sept. 17th comment stem from my growing-up experience. Let me state that I love my parents, and nothing I am about to say is meant to offend them. From the time I was 8, my mother began working outside the home with my father. As a result, my younger sister and I – we being the two youngest – were not given the proper attention we needed during those formative years. Thus, distance resulted. My parents, when I was in my late twenties, told us that they neglected us, allowed their work to interfere with our upbringing, and apologized for it. Personally, I have realized that some of my behaviors and responses to things stem from their actions. However, with my now knowing this, I am in the process of correcting these behaviors and responses – behaviors and responses which include keeping relationships at a distance so that I won’t “get hurt†if the relationship ends (even through death).
By my wife being able to stay-at-home (which according to her has been her lifelong desire), I already see a difference in relationship between me and my family (wife and children) and that of mine growing up. I am sensitive to the needs of my children because of this – those needs being quality time as well as quantity – time which is more than just being in the same house or room with them. This “Q-Time†is time filled with book reading, bible reading, puzzles/games, singing songs and other forms of play. Unfortunately, most homes (including Christian homes) lack Q-Time. This time can be taken away with activities which separate the family – activities which include but are not limited to both parents working at/for/in a business either inside or outside the home or both, sports, dance or music lessons, church activities of all sorts, etc. Let me clarify myself by saying that none of these things listed are bad in and of themselves. However, none of these activities can ever replace Q-Time as well as too many of these activities can definitely interfere with it.
Lastly, I must comment about the hostility by almost all who commented to my posting – comments which ya’ll directed towards my wife since ya’ll assumed she made the comment. Without a doubt, a portion of them were sarcastic comments as well as most being judgmental, not thought through and basically written out of anger. To comment that way towards someone that 99% of you don’t know is not only wrong but vicious. It was as if I was being stoned for expressing a different opinion – to someone we know – from the normal “You go girl†or “That’s great†or “Whatever you want to do is fineâ€. We must remember that “Faithful are the wounds of a friend…†as well as “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealedâ€, both passages from Proverbs 27. Any opposing comments ever expressed have never been meant in a mean-spirited, malicious, vicious or spiteful fashion. Anything that I have commented (my wife may have responded once a long time ago) has been to encourage or to kindly act as a correction to what I see as being misguided thinking. In the end, we all decide what we choose to do. As a director of an organization, I expect my staff to confront me with opposing ideas as well as kind rebuke or criticism for whenever I do things which aren’t right and which can be viewed as hurting my testimony for Christ.
I could have responded earlier to comments to my comment, but I wanted to make sure that I was writing my thoughts down clearly. It’s a lesson to me on not letting my passion cloud my meaning. Thank you for allowing me to clarify myself.
on 22 Sep 2007 at 6:28 pm 17.Tamara said …
well husband side of C and C,just so you know,you’ve made the whole thread more creepy by:
a)admitting you’re a man AND being so bold as giving child nurtuing advice when it is obvious you think it is “womans work” (what’s next…will you tell her how to push thru contractions ?? maybe breast feeding tips???)
b)thinking that Titus 2 has anything to do with a shock jock radio shrink
c) and how your goofy prejudices should be inflicted on Tia…
ewwwwwwwwww….gosh can’t you just go away and take your negative energy with you ???
on 23 Sep 2007 at 6:36 pm 18.Kelly Ayers said …
I want to shout a loud “BRAVO” from the top of my suburban (”Okay,” she guiltily admits,”I am currently in the capital of nuclear, a.k.a. Oak Ridge.”) driveway, when I say pffft to those who doubt your abilities as a woman, as a mother, and as a leader in your community (and beyond in your case since you’re blogging). I look at the world a bit askew when I think of SAHM as the top of the scale, because to stay at home and put your children and their welfare as top priority is no easy task financially, mentally, or socially (as you have often provided). However, it is also the pique of anything a woman is capable of doing in her life. What more can you do than to not only give life to another being but to also assure their confidence and security by being there through it all. *Bows and throws a raspberry at Tamara who is bound to react to my words above.*
Have a blessed Sunday and keep the great work up….
Your friend in books,
Kelly Ayers
on 23 Sep 2007 at 7:37 pm 19.Tia said …
To Chris and Christi:
In the future, please do not sign your name corporately; you have no idea the hurt you would have spared had you clarified who was saying what in the first place.
Chris, I am not your mother, nor am I making her choices.
Christi, I am not distancing myself from my children in hopes of sparing myself pain should I lose them as I did Clara. (regarding emailed note) Nor am I stuffing my pain down through intentional overwork.
I appreciate the intention behind both of your notes.
peace to you both.
on 24 Sep 2007 at 9:02 pm 20.Tamara said …
Kelly et al:
the most important part of being a “good mommy” is working with what you got…if that means living in Darfur and eating rats, you work with what you got…you still say grace over the nasty things and try to make them edible…
ain’t nothing easy about being a mother to any one who makes more than a half assed effort to the matter…. worse yet is the “slug along” woman who does what is expected not because she needs to do it for her family but because she just flows with the crowd hoping to not make waves…
rasberry to that sort every time !!!!