the nitty gritty of motherhood 19 Sep 2007 07:42 pm
How long do children need full-time mothering?
I used to joke that I can only do ONE creative thing whilst pregnant and that is: grow a baby. And it gets laughs but it’s really true! My natal months are good for routines and the basics and nesting; not fresh ideas or original thought. And when the baby is born, it quickly receives the whole family’s attention for quite some time. I make food (milk for baby, meals for family), I clean things (cloth diapers and laundry and counters and floors). We don’t often do “school” in babymoon times and we sleep at odd hours.
Eventually the new member becomes a seamless addition to the family. Memories of “before so and so was born” take on a sepia, distant tone. We resume activities that require leaving the house, sleep times become more regulated, and conversation is more and more about the Life Outside rather than just about The Baby. Then “baby” crawls. Then “baby” walks. Then “baby” weans. Then I fold the last diaper and pack it away.
My oldest two twitter on the precipace of a new chapter: adolescence. They do things on their own, like spend the night with friends. They read and write and Have Their Own Thoughts. I remember being their age with acuity; it keeps me from making light of what memories they are forming. They are beginning to have experiences that don’t have me in the scenery. When they need me, it’s often to “do stuff” or “get stuff”. Now and then I decide they “need” some affection and force a little kiss on their cheek. They both still let me read to them. But when I have to run to the store, they can stay home alone now. I don’t need to have my eyeball on them all the time or worry with a mother-to-a-toddler panic if they are suddenly “too quiet”. Sometimes the best way I mother them is to let them have some space.
The day is coming when He will drive and so will She. The trike will be rusty and the books will all have chapters. How much will they need me? Or, maybe the question is, “how often will they need me”? And what will I do with the Time In Between?
What will you do?
on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:05 pm 1.mumsgather said …
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on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:13 pm 2.Tia said …
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on 19 Sep 2007 at 8:19 pm 3.mumsgather said …
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Parenting Times
Mothering Times
on 20 Sep 2007 at 7:16 am 4.KMH said …
How to start . . . I have been a SAHM and a home schooling Mom for many years now. My oldest is almost 19 and has a full-time job. My youngest is 17 and will finish school in 3 months. They don’t technically NEED me at home. They are both very capable young adults.
However, they both want me at home. My daughter and I have an extremely close relationship. We love nothing better than to sit and read or sew in the same room or to be working in gardens together. She tells me all sorts of things (that I would never have shared with my mom). My son tells me each afternoon how thankful he is that I make him a nice lunch, have a snack ready, and make time to listen to him share about his day as an apprentice.
They each have their own space, their own time, and their own ideas. They just still really like to know that Mom will be there where she has always been. I don’t know what the future will look like or even should look like. We are forging new territory (or restoring old territory).
Kim
on 20 Sep 2007 at 8:06 am 5.Tia said …
Thanks for weighing in KMH; as you have older kids, I really appreciate your point of view! No one really knows the future of course, but if I imagine my life 10 years from now, I’m still very much “at home”. I know I valued that when my mom was around when I was in high school and I want that for my own kids. With more time to do things in between certainly, but still here for all the touch-points they may want or need.
Oldest ds says he wants to home-college (yikes!) so no one is going anywhere for quite some time :-).
Still, when I look in the mirror, I’m reminded how quickly time passes and I know from experience how life can change radically in a moment. Staying current, relevant, and educated seems like a smart idea. Having interests other than children *all the time* also refreshes me and helps me be a better mom, provided it doesn’t become just another pressure. I wasn’t “refreshed” when I had babies… (in fact, that’s a pretty exhausting time!) but seasons change.
on 20 Sep 2007 at 1:23 pm 6.Susanna a.k.a. Cheap Like Me said …
Great question and great feedback. I am really close to my daughter (age 6) in a way I don’t remember being with my own mom — I hope it will continue.
Personally, I was a very motivated worker when I was pregnant — I knew we needed the income to buy time after she was born! And my priorities were easy … work, sleep, eat, go for a walk … that’s it.
on 20 Sep 2007 at 3:11 pm 7.gina said …
I hope to have the choice to be a stay home mom till Tayton(3) is in middle school. I hated coming home from school to an empty house when I was a kid- it was totally depressing. I remember feeling like no one cared if I even made it home from school. I know my mom did care, it’s just how I felt at the time and I don’t ever want my kids to feel that way. Tyler(11) hates it when he comes home and I’m not here- even for only five minutes! So they aren’t left at home alone yet and that’s okay with me.
on 20 Sep 2007 at 3:13 pm 8.gina said …
I meant to write “when Tayton is through middle school.”