Living-Deliberately.com

I get a lot of advice on how to manage this blog.  With nearly 7,000 readers per month, I take it’s direction pretty seriously, especially now that blogging has spun off into a business for me. One common suggestion is that this blog, while it started as a very personal site, needs to become less so. I have always felt that a good 90% of me remains behind a veil and that while this blog documents a journey, it only shows a fragment with it’s limited capacity. The very best of public sites will never penetrate the innermost of someone. Still, the “characters” in the story of the journey are part of it’s fabric and provide a valuable context for the information. It would be nice to retain that through any redirection.

I’ve decided to simply follow my gut, pay attention to my keywords, and answer the primary question, “What if you wanted to change your life?”.  Because on any life journey there ARE things we all want to change and it’s my approach to break it down into steps that get me to my destination. It’s my intention with the blog to stay true to that break-down, effort, and ultimately, accomplishment.

So this post is a “first” of sorts. I’ve made myself a list of goals, some of them old and some of them new, some of them a mere refinement of something that lain dormant. I am calling them my “Living Deliberately Goals”, which will then have Strategies, and I’ll revisit my progress along each one. Maybe readers will want to come along for the ride and maybe they won’t; the sharing will be genuine yet focused.

So without further wordiness……

My Living Deliberately Goal: Complete My First Triathlon.

Why: I enjoy being athletic but want to do more and need a focused way to do it. It involves three things I’m interested in doing well: running, swimming, and cycling. The image of crossing the finish line is a fun idea and makes me feel strong.  My inner-competitiveness wants to see if I can actually pull it off.

What I don’t care about: Speed: I don’t care to do it quickly…I just want to finish. Doing an Ironman: there are three levels of Triathlon from what I’ve read, and I just want to do the “sprint” level. How long it takes me to accomplish it: there is expense involved, training needed, and timing issues…it may take me a long time to get this one crossed off and I’m not going to let that stop me from starting.

Obstacles to overcome:  I have no bike, nor have I ridden in a long time! And never on the road! I have crappy running shoes! I swim so badly that a swim coach once pointed to me in the next lane and told his swimmers NOT to swim like me! I do run, but it’s only 3/4 of the distance needed for a sprint-triathlon. Money: bikes, suits, shoes all cost money I don’t have right now.  I currently live in a place where there are no indoor pools, no bike lanes, and no good places to run. Today I ran with a dog who tripped me on a busy road, skinning my shoulder, knee, and palm. So on the road to crossing off obstacles we can start with: NO DOGS who get distracted with birds.  I also soon will be moving to a place that at least possesses an indoor pool, bike lanes, and running paths. Accessing them will be a different story, but first things first ;-).

Goal this week: LEARN!!! I have some research to do. I need to find some people in the “know” who’ve done this before. And I need to get my run/walk up to 3.5 miles, which will take longer than a week (it’s currently at 2 miles). I also want to investigate to see if there is a sprint-level triathlon available in the next year for me to target, sort of in pencil, to see if I can make it by then.

My friend Richard is blogging again (so glad to see it!) and his post on coffee, soda, and energy drinks was a great testimonial today of how to take a habit and change it deliberately. I maintain that the world is better with Tia-slightly-caffinated than Tia-uncaffinated, so my morning cup of remains a ritual preserved, but I got a good dose of encouragment on the soda/energy drink front. Energy drinks are an especially large pet peeve of mine because they seem marketed to teens and kids, which makes me sick. Check his post out…anyone contemplating giving up soda and/or caffine for the new year may find it a little boost to get started.

Around here we’ve had the Macy’s parade, the turkey will be in the oven longer (power outage caused a delay), the chex mix is plenteous, and the kids are wondering what happened to lunch-being-at-lunchtime.

What’s going on at your house?

I usually love to talk about food, try new recipes, and enjoy old favorites like French Silk pie. This year, mom and sis did all of the cooking.  What new recipes are/were on your Thanksgiving table and what old favorites would it not be the same without? I’ve been thinking too, this year, of those who are in restuarants for the day…that’s foreign to my experieince but now I’m all curious as to what’s it’s like. What is like to work on Thanksgiving Day?

Share your story or your link…what’s Thanksgiving Day like in your family?

I was thinking today about the things I’m thankful for, the things other list that they’re thankful for, and what motivates us all to choose what we do. It’s just thinking out loud, and certainly not definitive, but I guess everything on our lists is something that, either through it’s presense or absense, has a positive impact on our lives or the lives of those we love. My next thought was how Living Deliberately, and that process of identification and analysis about each how each aspect of our lives contributes to our bigger picture, actually leads to a more thankful life because as a result, less is taken for granted. The slush is removed from life, things are taken down to their simplified and streamlined truth, and what’s left is truly wanted and valued.

It takes courage and bravery to look at something that may be damaging in our lives and then to do something about it. In the case of debt annhilation, it takes sacrifice. When striving to live more healthfully, it will often require more effort, as convenience products are often disregarded for their wastefullness or lack of nutritonal worth. What’s left at the end of this process though is honest reality; no more pretense, denial, or self-medication. “It is what it is” has become one of my favorite sayings because it looks at the truth of what something is at it’s core, and leaves me only with the task of dealing with my own response to it and not with the added option of trying to control or change what is not within my abilty to do so with.

That led me today to the Serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

May each of you have a wonderful day, whatever setting you may be within.

Some women get moody. Others, bitchy. And still others, weepy. I myself get apprehensive. It’s a trait about myself that I hate…seems to me it would be much easier to bloat, or snip everyone’s head off, or attack the chocolate aisle in the store. Mainly, I think it would be easier because these are all more predictible and conventional. Instead? I need hugs. Reassurance. And not many know what to do with that. In fact, many, in my experience, find it downright annoying.
Not expecting anyone, especially men, to be mind readers, I’m in the practice of giving a sort of announcement to those immediately around me when I get like this. One line, “I don’t feel good”, or “I feel quiet today”. What it means is this: I want to go curl up in a bed with a blanket and be loved on. In the event that that can’t happen (and when can it ever?!) I will crawl into myself for a day of quiet. I will not make decisions on this day. I will not analyze relationships; all of that is very dangerous territory when one wants to be comforted and reached for and finds life uncooperative. I will go about my day, get my work done, go through the motions and wait for it to pass with as little language as possible. This is a day for kissing sentimental photos and grieving broken momentos. It’s Uber-reflective. (yes, LOL, even I gag at the thought of this much sentimentality…I don’t like this about myself, remember?)

I’m learning to accept this for what it is. In the context of life, people will always let you down. Today, I even let myself down. Here where I am now, I feel great pressure upon my chest, not because of my wonderful family but because of the state we are in and it’s sleepy, ancient landscape. The one exception to that is the ocean and it was where I headed today with my babes. I needed the constancy and vastness of it all. The deep aqua and green, the cresting waves. I love the ocean in all of it’s moods, stormy and churning grey days included. Today it glistened with white sunshine and lake-like waves. Hmmm…part of the word, “glisten” is “listen” and I think the ocean did that as well. I was quiet and yet felt heard. What a marvel.

I wonder if women didn’t make investments, relationship choices, or major decisions on days when their hormones soar, how different (if at all) the world would look? I have one friend who’s husband encourages her to clear her calendar for a few days every month to take it easy during that time. He helps with the kids and allows for a little TLC via hugs, baths, and dinner brought in. I admit to being green with envy sometimes about that! Overall, this aspect of our lives is just one more thing to navigate and live with to the best of our ability. To the good of those around us, it behooves us to figure it out I suppose. There are days though, when I’d like to just find a communal rock and sleep it off.

• that my sis will be here in a few hours, with my neice, and her pregnant belly containing my nephew! I can’t wait to see them!!!
• for my brother-in-law, who taught me to do what is going to support my family
• for the potential of optimism
• for awesome blog commenters….you guys all are such an encouragement!
• for guitar music, accoustic and tender. Sometimes it’s just as close to a hug as one can get.

List yours in the comments or post a link! Your lists are always great!

All healthy and organic thoughts aside….when things get a little hairy, the munchies sometimes attack. I’ve easily lost 15 lbs in the last month and I’m running almost daily as well; as a result, I’m finding that around 4pm I get a hankering for the junkiest food I can find. It’s not binging per se…it’s not the amount I’m after but rather the rush an old comfort food can provide.  I’ve been out of the snack aisle for a very long time; after all, chips, alchohol, and transfatty cupcakes are hardly part of a healthy lifestyle OR a Total Money Makeover. In my absense I’ve found a couple of new things have shown up and while I don’t expect them to be long-term buddies of mine, they’ve fixed my craving a time or two this week. So without further adieu, here are my favorite guilty pleasures as of late:

Doritos Collisions, Hot Wings/Blue Cheese flavor. I won’t even look at the ingredient list on these baddies but they are FANTASTIC as a craving satisfier. I can’t often get a pile of actual hot wings and a few of these will take care of an itch for them indeed.

And true to my salty/chocolate snack trend, they make me crave dark chocolate, which is easily solved with a bite of Dove Dark or a truffle or whatever……

And washed down with:

They only recently started distributing this in my state and it’s still an occassional-only-treat but c’mon…few things go better with anything “hot wings” than a cold beer and this lager is the ONLY one I like. It’s freakin’ fantastic.

So, the day is soon coming where I’ll have crock pots of beans and rice, bowls of granola and oatmeal, and organic milk in the fridge. I hope the day is coming that I will again have a big garden abounding with fresh veggies and herbs. But now and then, in this transitory time, a little snack bliss is a good thing.

“My friend just had a miscarriage….what do I say?”

“My friend’s child just died and I don’t know how to help her.”

“My friends are getting divorced and I don’t want to choose sides…how can I be there for them?”

Tough questions indeed. I’ve been the friend in question for all of them and have also had friends go through the same things. It’s hard to know “what to say”….until you realize the truth: there is nothing that can be said that really does what you want it to, which is to make the pain go away and make everything better. Words will never be enough when the crisis is that large.

That said, there is plenty of WRONG things to be said. For instance, when a child dies, do NOT say to the parent any of the following, “God needed another rose for his garden”, or “This will all work together for good,” or, “She’s in a better place.” To the grieving parent, the best place for their child is in their arms, babies aren’t flowers in a garden, and things working for the best may be true but it’s unfathomable in that place.

Miscarriage is tough…grief is certainly present but there’s less visibility, less rite and ritual in the leaving. No funeral or graveside and often, not even a physical change in the body to mark the passage of time. The intangibility plays it’s own part in the loss.

And divorce? Well it’s also a kind of death. To outsiders, who don’t know what really went on behind closed doors, it’s a shock and the temptation seems to be to try to “make sense” of something that just simply doesn’t have enough information provided to add up. It’s an exercise in futility. Friends who’ve been friends with both people may feel hesitant to get involved in any way out of fear of choosing the “wrong” side and without more information, can’t make a choice for themselves. The result is the same for all three scenarios: many times, not knowing how best to react, they simply just don’t act, falling away and out of sight.

Having been there/done that, I know first hand that this is not what anyone wants. It’s a hard place to be in to want desperately to reach out but feel paralyzed by fear of doing the wrong thing.

One of my best friends has navigated this with more grace and love than anyone I’ve known. Once upon a time my baby died and she was at the gathering after the funeral. I tended to cling to friends who were there who’d also lost children, feeling a comraderie with them that was a safe place to be. But worlds are bigger than that and I knew (as did those around me) that my entire support network could not be only those who’d exprerienced it themselves.

My friend who’d lost one child through stillbirth and had another have a nearly fatal heart defect with long hospitalizations gave my best friend this advice, “go to her, don’t wait for her to come to you.” There was more to it than that of course, but in those words came a freedom and security that could almost be touched. In the Land of Grieving, it takes all one has to get up in the morning, to put one foot in front of the other, to care about physical appearance at all, to feed one’s self, etc. There is no energy to make phone calls. There is a mountain of guilt for having already relied on others for support and not wanting to add to it. I could have quite easily stayed in my little hole of a house and not seen the light of day for months, and I almost did. But my friend made the first move over and over again, when I was too weak to reciprocate. She called to check on me. She let me talk about my daughter when I wanted to, not brushing over it as if it didn’t happen or getting uneasy if I brought it up. We did normal things together again gradually. She didn’t get offended if I didn’t call back or rush to ask her about her own life every time we spoke.

It was love in action. She’s doing it again in my current loss, as are other friends. Listening, giving advice when I’m in unfamiliar territory, and hanging out when I need some neutral time. There are also the Silent Ones…the ones who don’t know what to say and feel bad about it. They may be praying from afar, not knowing what else to do. That’s okay…in fact, it’s more than okay because I really do need the prayers! Some of those silent ones will never speak to me again because so much time will have passed they will feel embarrassed, and I, not knowing where they stand, will not press them into a situation of discomfort if I can help it. It happens and I think it’s just part of life.

But if you want to be more than silent when a loved one faces a crisis, here is my advice:

• if all you can do is pray, send a note saying as much. It matters to know who’s been heard from and who has not. And know that there is little “score keeping” going on…that kind of drama just takes too much energy. It’s just nice to know where others are on something.
• keep an eye out for little practical needs that can be addressed….sometimes the best love is a silent deed.
• listen. Don’t tense up if the speaker delves into a place of pain. Your discomfort on hearing it is nothing in comparison to theirs having to live it.
• understand they may not be able to reach out in return for awhile. Or, conversely, maybe they will and it will be therapuetic for them to do so….let them. A Return To The Normal can be a ravishing hunger at times.
• in the case of miscarriage, or some other less visible loss, offer a token that IS visible. For instance, I used to buy stained glass butterflies to give to the mom on her baby’s due date, or shortly after the miscarriage.

My mom has this saying on her wall, “Character is not found on the cloudless day of comfort, but in the crucible of crisis.” I find the same is true of friendship, though some waters are harder to navigate than others.

I have a favor to ask: does anyone have a copy of their Dave Ramsey book they’d be willing to lend me? I can’t access my copy and I’m starting the TMM from scratch. I could use the wisdom and inspiration right now. Email me if you’ve got one you can spare for a few weeks: Tia AT sixredheads DOT com.

Next week is Thanksgiving, as the world remembers, and as I’ve been kind of ignoring. The holidays sure are going to be different this year. But Thankfulness always applies and I thought a little list would be a good idea today. As ever, if you join in, either leave a comment or your link so I can check ‘em out!

I’m Thankful For:

• Friends. They are having a profound effect on my life right now.
• Fall. Where I am now is peak color…. a little bonus because where I was it was all over and winter has set in.
• Really intense dark chocolate cheesecake
• Time and space to think. To breathe.
• Family.

Regular readers should notice that the previous post has been pulled. This blog will be undergoing changes, a refinement of sorts, as I transition through this life change. It means too much to me, as do my readers, to allow it’s primary purpose and message denegrate into ugliness. It is not, nor ever has been, intended to be a platform for personal attack. As I get my affairs in order, and most importantly get my children’s lives as settled as possible, blog content that is relevant and interesting will no doubt return. I crave writing and discovery and sharing and words can not express how thankful I am for the strong voices of support given to me this week. You kept some wind in my sails this week….thank you.

This is a hard post to write and I’ve put it off for as long as I could. In my mind, I’ve gone over probably a hundred ways to say and handle how to approach what’s going on in my life right now, on this blog, in a way that both respects privacy and is congruent with my primary content here, keeping in mind that a good deal of my readership enjoys following the characters of my family and the way the changes we make work their way out in real time.

But so it goes that there is no easy way to say it. With friends and family, all those I had the strength to tell, I’ve just been saying it: “We’re getting divorced”. And it’s true. The paperwork is filed, the lawyers hired, the process of purging well on it’s way. What am I purging? There’s an ocean more beneath the surface of a statement like that that is not appropriate or necessary on a blog (such a tiny window of a person’s life). But what is absolutely germaine to the content on this site, “Living Deliberately”, is that there was a secret, yet very high, level of disfunction I’ve been propping up and supporting and it’s not something I can do anymore.

Looking inside, trying to take thing by thing, in order to become as authentic as possible, has a way of strengthening a person to see what they tried to ignore. And maybe I’m not so guilty of ignoring it but rather, of taking something ugly and trying to make it seem pretty, when all the while it was ugly to the core and quite harmful. Harm has a ripple effect and the only way to stop a cycle like that is to reach the source.

Life is going to be full of changes; I’m sure more than I now know. But there’s a funny thing about purging and cleansing and confession…it heals. I’m looking forward to it.

* note to readers: this post had been pulled over the previous month but I’ve decided to reinsert it into the archives, as it marks an important change and is ultimately, part of the fabric of this site. Comments are closed.

Awhile back I posted “What’s Grosser Than Gross: The Mommy Version“.  I followed every tag that I could and there were some hilarious responses!!! And Mrs. Ordinary Days didn’t mean this post of hers to count in that meme but it is fantastically and supurbly “Mommy Gross” and I had to link it! It was not really a contest, so there’s not really a prize…except for  the communal laugh and cringe we all share together. Enjoy!