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I was thinking today of how heroic it is when someone loves another based on what makes the reciever feel loved, rather than just how the giver likes to love.

More than the “martyr” giver, who is generous and giving because of the reward they feel when they do, there is the self-less giver, the one who finds out what the other needs to feel loved and then seeks to meet it.

Yesterday my dad was out in my car…and along the way he decided to change my wiper blades, have my transmission fluid adjusted, and called to see what kind of latte he’d like me to bring home. Little kindnesses that took my breath away really….we are in the midst of a very stressful time, with lots of waves and emotions and wounds that need healing. To say he’s our “steady” is putting it mildly. In a family made up mostly of women, he finds the love language of each, and learns to speak it.

It’s the determined learning that speaks the loudest to me. In getting to know someone, we may clash. We may not understand or know how to relate. It certainly can be difficult when trying to live in community with others. Listening, and thus really *hearing*, is critical, but I’d wager gets skipped most of the time. (That another of his motto’s is “don’t skip a step” seems not unrelated). So he listens and watches and waits for the right moment….sometimes it’s a free detail thrown into a contracted deal. Sometimes it’s a hug and listening to the vent (rather than engaging point by point or by handing out ill timed advice). Sometimes it’s in fixing something that has been broken or by inventing a new gadget to make life easier.

Humans don’t always feel like giving so I don’t imagine that real self-less type givers always *feel* like doing this.  (I say, ‘imagine’ because even though I’m a mother, and mothers famously give, I honestly wonder how much of what I do is truly self-less). It’s a challenge to give in a way that requires effort or learning outside of one’s comfort zone. I think we are partly selfish for survival…children aren’t exactly self-less, and once wounded, it’s difficult to make oneself not self-protect. Giving requires openness.

And that’s why I think real giving is heroic. The giver has to be willing to be hurt. Rejected. Has to care more about meeting the other’s need, even if that means absence or uncomfortable listening or pain. Somewhere in there is keeping the big picture in mind rather than getting caught in a moment and communicating trust and commitment that surpasses imperfection.

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