Really Living 18 Apr 2008 08:54 am
40
My ark, my wilderness, my lent, my time for purification….40 days until the legal system catches up with the rest of life; for the spiritual change, the emotional transition, the physical distance have long been sealed. What has happened in reality long ago will finally be put to rest in man’s contrived system. I am surprised, in a way, that I’m not in a greater amount of grief over it….and then at the same time, not. Grief passes, loss has stages, and “what’s done is done” was done so very long ago. What matters through changes is getting one’s “head around it” and once that happens, the rest is almost a formality. That’s been true of any change I’ve made in my life, from the way I eat, to where I live, to becoming a parent….one way in the heart first, the body second. And too, when one is working as hard as I have been (single parenting while forced to travel, run a business, and work out major emotional trauma times 5 is hardly an easy feat) a “nose the grindstone” pragmatism must develop, just in order to survive.
This, without a doubt, has been a quest to live a deliberately authentic life with higher stakes than any other. No more shiny-happy images on the surface while suffering and abuse lie in the background. It took 13 long years to find a voice strong enough to say something was wrong and untenable but thanks be to God, I finally spoke up. It’s cost more than I could have imagined….but then, I think any step towards honesty will cost.
“The Truth Hurts” is what we toss around…but it has. Realizing the extent of denial is not a pretty process. Seeing the reality that remains after the props are removed is down right ugly. The thing of it is though…the truth is ultimately the truth…and on the other side of the ugly is healing and freedom.
And that is where victory really lies. Seeing children not in turmoil from constant stress but playing and laughing again. Welcoming the healing from stress-related illness. Seeing anger responses that don’t involve violence. Smiling again and enjoying a pretty day. Feeling hope, over many things, in the future. Not flinching when I spill something and retraining my inner voice to allow for imperfection (”Oh! I’m so human!” rather than, “Oh! I”m so stupid!”). Going longer than I have in years un-manipulated, un-spat upon, un-physically intimidated…all in the name of “love” and submission, has had an effect.
If marriage is an image of how Christ loves the church, it’s been good for my faith to tease that apart. I couldn’t really see it before, though I longed for it, that God really does love me. Me. I’m not hideous, unwanted, rejected, disgusting, or a failure. I am visible to God…not just half of a supposed whole, there just to do the work. Beyond my imperfection and sin, He sees someone who is lovely. In some ways, the eternal ways, that is all the freedom I need.
One aspect of the domestic abuse cycle is the mutual lack of self-worth. And that is exactly what starts to form when a break away is made. I can “hear” that God-so-loved-me-that-he-saved-me. He thought I was worth that.
It has reminded me of stewardship, a big ideal I hold….it’s what motivates my financial, environmental, and health goals. And I was a very poor steward of myself and my children in the previous decade. I let myself be thrown away, quite literally, and while I took steps in every other area towards health and the appreciation of worth and value, I failed at the first step every morning…that person in the mirror and those children down the hall. The old adage of “don’t let yourself be a doormat” is a true one. No one else will respect you if you don’t first respect yourself.
So for myself, and the women in my support group going through very similar journeys, that comes first. It is the first step out into the wilderness, on the path, toward honesty, health, and life. Knowing that our lives are worth fighting for and that our children need better. That even our abusers deserve better because salvation is for them too, and may they also find healing and redemption.
Respect, worth, honesty, healing, forgiveness…that’s the hard part. The legal signing of papers is so very easy in comparison. Very nearly just a chore needing to be done. I suppose it’s not unlike it’s reverse…that wedding, after the emotional process of courting, falling in love, and committing, is comparatively easy…more work for the caterer and seamstress than the bride and groom. When the hype falls away, the parsed truth is much less complex than one may think. I don’t know if I would have thought this before my mile in these shoes.
And so there are forty days left. Forty days for the word to catch up with the deed.