Living-Deliberately.com

I can hear that pulsing, though it’s faint. I am a gardener in my soul and while my hands have not felt soil this year, the desire is returning. I think, I love gardening so much, that the removal of my own plot and effort was a hurt too deep to touch. Because for three years I planted one and left it. Then for the duration of what became The Longest Spring, I had to surrender it all…house, contents, garden, understanding I may never see or touch any of it again. Miraculously it’s all been restored to me, a fact I still can’t always fathom.

So while my mother’s garden is beautiful and quite close to me, it’s hers. And containers were something I couldn’t bare to transport, because too much other was transient and plants speak of roots. Seemed to add insult to injury. Rather than sink seeds into the soil with water and sunshine this spring, I instead buried my garden dreams. Like bulbs set deeply to wait over winter, my visions of flowers and veggies and growing and permanence went deep down into the dark. To wait. Patiently, because revisiting them hurt too much. I planted them and forgot them.

Last week, on that brightest of late spring days, it was with freedom I returned to my house; bold freedom that dared spying neighbors to peek at me through their half-opened curtains. I stepped from the car and turned my face to the sun and stood there breathing. For the first hour I didn’t even go inside but instead walked through my garden.

The grass and weeds have had their heydey. I grabbed fistfuls and tore them from the well-mulched ground. I smiled at the real victory going on before me…there were sweeps of yellow violas and purple pansies that had re-seeded themselves. My rosemary and sage were gianormous. The little plaque still welcomed a visitor to “my garden”. And best of all, the Iris’s bloomed in my absence, triumphant purple blooms reminding me of Love and Hope and of the progressive work of Time.

In another corner thrives the Ivy I once clipped from an Atlanta hospital and transplanted in every garden since. Nine years later there is a beautiful patch growing. St. Francis still marks the grave of a beloved dog and I could see that the red tulips had risen while we were gone. The grass is knee-deep, there are snakes now that the cats are gone, and bee’s in the trees and shed.

It’s a messy, aged garden. Like me, it’s imperfect. Like me, it will heal. Like me, it will tell a story, persistently and with determination.

Here it is, just about the end of May!! I’m actually overdue for this check-in; had been hoping to get to it earlier in the month but it’s been a busy one and hey…I’m human! :-).

So here was my original list for 2008:

(obviously not a complete list):

• continue to learn and train as necessary for my first sprint-level Triathlon; I want to do my first in the spring of ‘09 so the bulk of my learning and prep should be within this year.
• obtain and learn to play the guitar (leftover goal from last year, completely untouched).
• read fiction again this summer.
• paint again.
• hit my buisiness goal.
• transition my children healthfully, teaching them to live honestly, loving them patiently.
• continue, and to some extent return to, eating whole, traditonal foods prepared at home, wherever home comes to be.

And here was my last update, in February. Because I had made such good progress on my goals in the first month, I also added to my goal list at that time:

• work on “greening” things up a bit more….compost the food scraps, contribute to the garden, be more diligent with power consumption (turn off this ‘puter at night!), use a reusable water bottle instead of buying them…etc.
• get my budget written. I am now “variable income” and Dave has sheets for that. It’s time to get very, very intentional with money, more than I ever have done so before; there’s no excuse not to because I certainly know better!
• kayak…another long time wish that I’ve done nothing to attain. Saying it in writing is a start.

And here is my mid-year check-in:

• I’ll actually update on my Triathlon Training progress in a separate post but a quick synopsis would be that I’m now doing the run/bike combination a few times each week, with a 5 mile run/walk and a 9.5 mile ride. Biggest need is still for equipment; everything from a cap, shorts, & shoes to a real racing bike, and next to add in for the work out is a swim. Perfect timing with summer here.
• My guitar: oh how I love thee! I’m still strumming by moonlight in my little camper and working on a little finger picking. It probably sounds moody and cliche and that’s just what I love! It’s like the gooey frosting on a cupcake…Sweet On Purpose. And a totally selfish joy, of which I’ll not waste a moment feeling guilty over. My guitar, even played in ways others’ would chuckle at, makes me happy.
• Fiction: I didn’t wait for summer. And, now that summer is here, I’m currently reading through more NON fiction: Dark Nights of the Soul (which is awesome btw) and some fiction: The Whistling Season (which I find to be slow). As it gets hotter, I may ditch reading all together though and go with movies. I have some catching up to do on my never-ending lists!
• Painting: slow but constant. Sunday afternoons are the days that I paint, when I have one that allows for it. I’ve finished two paintings and have begun a third. It’s a good pace that I’m pleased with and the experiments I’m doing with oil and texturizing my canvas are much fun!
• My business goals: cooking right along. I’m hoping for a very good second half of the year and with articulated goals and a schedule for hitting them, seem to be right on track. I’m launching my new website within days.
• My children: oh joy are they doing so much better! Winter has passed in more ways than one. New friends, new sports and activities, new adventures, combined with the restoration of old comforts and traditions, has helped and I thank all of you who pray for them. The road ahead is still a long one and that’s all I can say about that.
• Food: a miraculous thing happened yesterday….I worked a long day and took my tired and sweaty self into the kitchen, cleaned up a bit, and made supper. A creative supper. Without thinking about it too much! It just rolled out, like the old days. I’ve cooked good food in the past few months but I was distressed over how much EFFORT it took to think it through, come up with an idea, and experiment. Last night felt restorative. I twittered it. I think, especially as I’ll soon have my own kitchen again, I will see this return in gradual force.
• on greener: BAD progress. Actually stagnant. I guess it’s good that we’re still using real air…no AC yet. Mom makes tremendous strides (and blogs them here) and I go along with her efforts. But if they weren’t there, I probably wouldn’t be initiating them right now and I still want to change that. Takes energy I haven’t had yet; maybe in the next quarter?
• Budget’s written. ER fund is being worked on (Baby Step 1) with slow, sometimes backwards, motion. Business + a settled divorce should = progress in the next quarter. If I did one TMM, I can do another! The determination is there and that is always the very start.
• Kayak: zero progress. But I have a birthday coming up and I’m kind of eyeballing that company on the waterway that does tours. We’ll see.

Okay…so now it’s YOUR turn! Blog your own goal progress and leave me a link in the comments. Also, link to this post in your own post. I’ll take the names off all who participate and randomly draw one to receive a FREE UseAgainBag…a reusable grocery bag, completely made in America (fabric included), with super-strong handles, hooks for the baggers, and a deep capacity. This ain’t the cheapies they sell for a few bucks that look like they could fall apart in a few trips….made in China, of course! I promise you’ll love your bag!

I was recently in Knoxville and saw this sign in a few places. This particular billboard is in the center of the city, not far from Magpies‘, where I get truly fantastic mini-cupcakes (which, btw, to those of you following my cupcake baking exploits, have completely spoiled my desire to make them at home. Peg’s are just toooo good!).

But anyway, my friend and fellow cupcake-conspirator were in the city getting our afternoon fix of mini Red Velvets when he pointed out this sign to me and my stomach did an involuntary turn from happy bliss to utter revolt-ion.

ARE THEY SERIOUS???? This sign is so tremendously offensive on so many levels. My first thought was how it actually came to be. I mean, step-by-step, this revolting concept had to hit a lot of desks before I saw it in the city. No doubt many minds considered this particular Ripley’s gimmick, graphic design, presentation, from the exhibit designer right on down to the guy who put the sign paper up.  DID NOBODY CHECK THEIR SENSITIVITY CHIP???

Who’s grand idea was it to include a premature infant in this picture? Does anyone really believe that there are actual incubated human babies in the Ripley’s Museum? And next, who (and praytell was it the same creep as the first “genius”) decided it would be a good, rational design choice to juxtapose it with a LIZARD? What parallel are they drawing, and thus wanting us to also draw?

Ripley’s makes it’s money on the “freakish” element of it’s exhibits. I get that. So…are they saying that an incubated baby is a freak? A side show?

Added to the “What the Bleep Were They Thinking?” element is the fact that this sign is only a few miles from a Children’s Hospital. Parents needing to go through town will see it. Parents with little tiny lives they love dearly in those very incubators.

It’s disgusting. Ripley’s is the kind of place I may have taken my “gross-out” loving kiddos. But those same kiddos had a sister who spent her life in a Children’s Hospital. Another one of them has been in and out frequently. I want to raise children who are AWARE of and COMPASSIONATE to the quiet, often invisible, dramas going on behind those hospital walls, being saved by the kind of science Ripley’s is poking fun at.

Because if their intention was to display the “marvels” of medical science and what it can do, they certainly didn’t communicate it with this billboard. Equating infants with reptiles and presenting it all as something to be gawked at is repulsive. Which, is what I am: Repulsed right out of ever going there.

Oh my that has got to be the driest title I’ve ever concocted. But, having googled how to find and watch downloadable movies many times, I’m familiar with where the search words go. I would have loved to stumble upon a post such as the one I’m about to write; would’ve saved me tons of time and aggravation. “So like to hear it? Here it go” (be the first to name the song that came from and I’ll send you a free coffee at Starbucks…no fair googling it!).

Once upon a time I was a Blockbuster store movie renter. Around that same time I also used the library extensively. And the same thing did me in with both of them: late fees. I could have bought quite the media collection had I instead just sunk my late fees into purchases. It was with squeals of glee that I signed in for the first time to Netflix…no more toddlers cleaning off the rental shelves while I agonized over which flick to choose. No more working in “just one more errand” in hopes of a movie date night. No more fighting over such an unnecessary expense. And most importantly, NO MORE LATE FEES. Like the Angels In Brown (UPS) who come to my door with my christmas shopping, I now had little red envelopes of sunshine in my mailbox each week. And best of all, their selection was fantastic.

I had fun compiling my “queue” of movies. I hit several categories…the obscure Oscar nominees, the foreign films, the shorts, the out-of-date family favorites. Netflix and I had quite the love affair going for a couple of years. My queue, indeed my entire Netflix account, became a casualty of the Divorce and the Year of Gypsie Living. He canceled my account, which cleared my history, and without a real mailing address, I couldn’t receive them anyway. And so it seemed that chapter of movie watching had ended (yes, I barely refrained from using a cheezy cliche involving a closing curtain..aren’t ye glad?).

Still, I heart Netflix. And when I can swing the monthly fee again, I’ll be back. For selection, they can’t be beat. And compiling that dream queue was tremendous fun for a somewhat-reclusive film buff too busy with a complicated life to chase down great films in the theater (of which don’t come to our area megaplex anyhow).

So that all led me to a Friday night in between road trips, needing some diversion that would allow me to cuddle under my blankets and lick my wounds in peace. I had the popcorn ready (organic yellow popped on the stove in olive oil, drenched in real butter and salt…is there really any other way to have it?). I think I even had chocolate handy. I set out to give downloading a movie a try.

Oh. This is where I twitch with the pang of my naivete. “Sure Tia. Just pick a flick and click ‘download’ and you’re all set for a cozy night in the camper with your laptop”. Ahem. Experienced downloaders can stop laughing now…

I searched and I searched. Too chicken, too conservative, too goody-goody to use any site that had asian writing on it or looked like it had been designed by a teenager, that eliminated about half of the options. I could hear the cars from the feds coming to arrest me for illegal downloads already coming up the drive. I almost backed out. After all, my popcorn was cold now and I had that old burned CD with Bridget Jones’ Diary on it that I could watch for about the 50th time. But I scolded myself for irrational fear and guilt and plowed ahead. I’d kept coming back to MovieLink. It looked like it had an actual design concept going, though it was a simple site. It had a good sidebar of categories and genres to choose from and current new releases front and center.

I chose a few and selected one to download. Here’s where they beat the online rental system: no monthly fee. You rent by the movie with no commitment. I paid for it (3.99 I think) and got excited about still having a movie to watch before my popcorn bowl was empty.

I had to download the player. You get this “Movielink Manager” loaded to your system and your rentals load into it. You have 1 month to watch it, unless you start it and then you have to finish it in 24 hours. Then it goes away. The player didn’t take too long to load but my movie took 11 hours.

No, that isn’t a typo. 11 hours. The little clock changed from something like, “6 weeks, 4 days, 2 hours, and 40 minutes” on down, until my popcorn was gone and I went to bed.

In the morning I had a downloaded movie. I emailed the company and they assured me it would go faster next time. On Saturday night I watched, with a second bowl of popcorn, and on Sunday I gave a new download a try. Indeed, it loaded faster. This time it took a couple of hours. I started it in the afternoon and had a movie to watch by bedtime. Not bad.

But like I mentioned above, selection is slim with download choices. At least, compared to hard-copy rental services. I’m sure it’s growing daily. But the selection issue is what had me googling again.

Next I tried Vongo. And I am not a fan folks. I don’t like having to download their stuff BEFORE seeing their whole selection, though I’m sure I’m not the first user to fall for the bait of what’s inside. I downloaded it (took another evening) and in the morning, the “reward” was disappointing. B-movies galore. A few mainstream hits that I could easily get elsewhere. Nothing much artistic or foreign. Vongo is different than Movielink in that you pay a monthly fee. Well folks, if I’m going to choose that over Netflix, the selection had better be stellar. And it wasn’t. The website is pretty, looks expensive, and they promote all the different devices on which one can access and watch their movies, but after comparing the choices with what I was looking for, I never even activated my account.

Which led me to one day googling another movie title, rather than the format. And there I hit consumer-confidence pay dirt. Amazon Unbox! I’m familiar with Amazon…they’ve been around long enough to be a trusted brand. My financial information is already in my account so paying for a rental was super fast. Again, I had to download their player, which was actually faster and less nerve-wracking than the others (trust is an issue when downloading anything to one’s machine). Later that evening I had my movie to watch and was happy as a clam.

So here’s the nuts and bolts of my adventure:

• plan ahead. It takes time to download this stuff, even with a fairly new and fast computer
• have more than one title in mind. Availability and selection is still an issue everywhere
• don’t bother with monthly commitments for this stuff. There’s competition out there that will let you do a one-time-only rental
• go with a trusted brand if you are even a little unsure. It’s worth the security, though you still need to be careful.
• make sure you have space on your computer for this stuff BEFORE you start. It’s a pain to get halfway into the download and have it stop because you’re out of room.

One week ago today the divorce was declared…a settlement having been reached two weeks before it was headed for a full trial. I’d gone into the courthouse under a very different set of expectations and came out before lunch with the whole thing rather done. There are still myriad of details of course, but essentially, the worst of it is over.

The true relief is that the trial, with it’s necessary accusations and contests, was avoided. And the reality of that relief will no doubt have a long ripple effect, at least the breadth of the dread I had of facing it. On my children’s faces, there is still that innocence protected, where so much other has been stripped away. Whether he realizes it or not, he did the right thing.

I took the week to absorb the news. There are scads of lists to be made, choices to discern. In the scope of “life altering events”, this one is a biggie and it seemed a “Divorce Moon” of sorts was called for. It didn’t involve anything tremendous…some quiet time to think, lots of work hours with worry set on the back burner, a trip to the ocean with children to swim and gather sea glass, conversations with friends, the therapist, a cupcake, and a margarita.

Since October I’ve lived out of a suitcase, a gypsie life not really a better fit than the too-snug shoes I’d left behind. We’ve seen new places and traveled and made memories that did their best to surpass their motivator. There’s been much love along the way…blueberry pancakes after living room slumber parties, snowy inns and goat farms, gas money slipped into my pockets when I was stone broke; friends who’ve let my cat have kittens on their porch, let my baby play on their trampoline, and family that built my children a new bedroom so they could put the travel bags away for awhile. Miraculously I didn’t miss the birth of my nephew and when I lost my beloved parish family due to logistics, it was a loss cushioned by love of others who understood that particular pain and sought to soothe.

For all the good and all the loss, I’m still just overwhelmingly grateful it’s a season that is done. Not unlike birth transition, it’s the hardest part and The Only Way Out is Through. And just like holding the wet and slippery infant that miraculously made its passage, this a beginning, not the destination. Categories of Life that had their “pause” buttons pushed will begin to play again and new ones will be uncovered in a maze of discovery once locked away. I have only felt the merest dawning of that moonrise; a week is, after all, not long enough.

And little children once socially hesitant, emotionally bruised, who started this season more battle-weary than we could find words for, show the most healing. Laughter and friendships and adventurous-spirits return, showing me once again that children make the most reliable barometers of environmental climate that there ever was. That I will protect this new daring trust on their part like a Mother Bear should go without saying and yet I want to utter the words. One does not go through the fire without knowing what they are fighting for.

There have been long hours, awake in the quiet of starry Florida nights, wondering how to live deliberately in a time such as this. It’s indeed difficult to do so when lying in a realm of limbo, no real closure available and decisions prohibited by ongoing litigation. I never felt free to exhale completely, to take a step forward without testing it with my weight several times before really relying on the integrity of the support. Last Monday I let out a huge breath and stepped off the curb to my car with confidence that had been building up, ready for the day it’s number would be called. I will not go forward with perfection but with determination, forgiveness, and curiosity. I suppose the point being, “I will go forward”.

found on Mimi’s blog today:

Outside My Window …it is urban, with sidewalks and trees planted with square grates surrounding their bases.

I am thinking … about cupcakes.

I am thankful for …the help of my parents.

From the kitchen … I haven’t been in one today.  Strange but true.

I am wearing … Flirt jeans from Old Navy, a blue t-shirt, and sandals.

I am creating …blogs for a living.  Strange but true.

I am going … to meet new people today.

I am reading … Dark Nights of the Soul…quite possibly one of the best “self-help” books I’ve ever read.

I am hoping … and that in and of itself is a miracle.

I am hearing … the voices of friends, talking in the next room.

Around the house …my family is visiting with rarely seen relatives and catching up.

One of my favorite things … Rainex for windshields.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: Cupcakes. Meetings. Driving. Phone calls. Hoping.

Life’s busy these days but here are a few things I’m thinking about:

• I think life with a Clinton around is Endless Drama. The Bill Years were like that and the Hillary Campaign is like that…devisive, draining, negative…a constant battle. Seth’s blog dealt with the media/drama/bias issue today. I think it would be better for her to drop out, since she isn’t winning tangibly anyway, and let the country focus on the two candidates leading their parties and the change needed on the issues. She could be more proactive in other arenas, and would probably see a better return for her efforts. And the rest of us could MOVE ON from the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Clinton political circle…it’s making us dizzy.
• Our local grocery store, Winn Dixie, is a southern company. Our store is in a farming community. It’s a couple of hours away from delicate strawberries, fantastic shrimp, citrus groves, and dairy. Locally we have abundant produce.  AND YET…the store’s strawberries are moldy and from California. The seafood is all from Thailand. The orange juice and dairy is all from the west too. Who the hell is doing their buying and WHY are they blaming the price of food on the price of gas?
• I had three feet of hair yesterday. Time for a trim. Went in for three inches, ended up with two. Needed some front trimming so opted for “long layers”. Ended up with layers almost to my shoulder and a chunk of long hair left in the back not unlike a rat tail.  To fix it, that must go, which means I ended up with 6-8 inches removed. There are so many greater dramas in the world, nee’ my life, and yet this one has me pouting in consternation.  I can not pretend it doesn’t matter. It is like insult added to injury. On the bright side: hair grows.

And I’m so surprised! I’ve tried the micro-blogging thing a few times before and could never see the point. And maybe I still don’t get *the* point (elusive as it may be amongst internet noise and clutter). But what I do adore is the 140-character limit! It’s so fun to try to say something of substance in such a short restriction and the perfect exercise for an oft-long-winded writer like me! You can see my Twitter.com updates over there in my sidebar, about a third of the way down, and you can join me by clicking here.

Last night I dreamed that I’d learned how to bake the most amazing French bread…it had a crusty outside and a tender interior, at once pillowy and chewy and warm. In the dream I took them from the oven, smelled them, thumped them and heard the hollow reply. I wiped flour dusted hands on a coarse, canvasy apron. When I ate the bread, I think the crust was salty. For a hungry girl eating too much sushi and drinking too much coffee, this was a most tantalizing dream. Hedonistic bread indeed.

This morning the newspaper spelled the usual doom and gloom. Are all the papers around the country like this right now? This one, The Florida Times Union, seems to never fail to have some enormously dreary story, displaying the minutia of economic backlash, on the front page. “Attention! Attention! Read All About It! Times Are Tough!” (as if we didn’t already know?) It might be a story on how restaurants are scaling back on portions or beef…today it was lean offering plates and the Wheat shortage.

I wonder though. Food has been priced artificially low in the country for a very long time. We are a nation dependent on corn and wheat and their many created bi-products (Twinkies and Corn Flakes anyone?). And sure less wheat is being grown as farmers shift to corn for ethanol. But grains have been in surplus in the past and subsidies, resulting in farmers making more from their government check than a harvested crop, have been a real problem. So I wonder…is this rise in expense/decrease in supply necessarily a “crisis”?

Looking at native diets around the world, it doesn’t take long to find cultures that live quite healthfully with something other than corn and wheat as their daily bread. We can even look into our own country, where corn and wheat allergies are increasingly rampant, to find very healthy and happy people who never eat the stuff.

So what if flour costs more? It’s not as essential as gas or other food right now. Americans can probably eat less of it and be just fine. Yes, milk and oats and fruit and everything else is costing more too….I’m not saying there isn’t a problem. I guess what I’m questioning is if this particular change, which may just be a healthful one, is really dire and is really front page news.

I realize that I’m thinking out loud here rather than offering a solution. I’m considering. I know that while I kick and scream and cuss over how much money it takes to fill my gas tank, feeling duped by politicians and foreigners, I don’t have the same reaction to food prices. On the other side of the grocery store are farmers working very hard for their living to feed a public that mostly takes them for granted. It’s going to cost to eat, either in money or sweat and land.