Living-Deliberately.com

I know the primary question I ask on this blog is, “what if you wanted to change your life?”. Very often, that question morphs into, “what would you do if your life changed?”. Or maybe still, “what do you do when you changed one thing and other changes rippled on down because of it?” That’s where I sit at the moment.

I took my children and left an abusive marriage. Ten moons later we are divorced and living a very different lifestyle. I changed my life; that part was deliberate. I do preface any struggle this new life presents with the honest reality that safety makes everything worth it. I can’t say it would be if leaving were a simple lifestyle option, or an emotional response to not “feeling in love”, or because I thought the grass would be greener. Often I hear people justify divorce in cases of adultery or abuse and I’m living the truth that those two reasons are two of the only ones that would make it worthwhile. The raw truth is that life outside is often filled with some of the most extreme struggling I’ve ever known but with one added blessing: the toxic danger is gone. It’s nice to be able to sleep in peace, make human mistakes in grace, be loved for who I am; one might even say this is a “right”. Children, most especially, deserve to dwell in safety.

So here we are. And I am a single mother now still not fully transitioned (financially speaking) and also self-employed. The most flexible work schedule in the world still requires one thing: Time To Work. That is not compatible with days full of homeschooling 3 grade levels and a preschooler. Our time spent at Story Hour, soccer practice, swim lessons, surf camp and beach days, hiking, books before bed, handwriting practice does not a full education make.

A little history may put this transition into a little more perspective. I first wanted to homeschool my future children when I was 13. I *hated* school and the restrictiveness of it: institutionalized education is hard for a creative spirit. I wanted hours spent outside for my children, lots of books, free exploration, un-stifled creativity, personalized pace, eclectic resources….not until my children were much older, approaching the middle school years, and we were so broke that my working became more of a necessity did I feel compelled to consider putting them in school. I wanted their childhoods to be as “intact” as possible and to instill the ability to think “outside the box” from their earliest moments on.

The fact is that mothers are Only One Person and though many in the movement try to wear all the hats at once, very few can adequately pull off a good homeschool, a second income, and a well-managed household. If it was hard then, it’s even harder now, as a nearly single breadwinner. There are just not enough hours in the day to do it all, all at once.

Coupled with this is their very real need for more structure. After a tumultuous year with more travel than some adults could take, they need the consistent, even rather monotonous, routine that school can provide. I always prayed that when the time was right, I’d know, and I do. Fortunately, we are in a small town with what are considered “excellent” schools. The kids are all excited about the change (their opinions matter). We are all viewing it as a new kind of adventure: a change that is happening because other change happened.

The dream of homeschooling them forever never existed for me. I didn’t imagine a home-style high school graduation and I’ve always talked to them about the virtues of going to college. Still, saying good bye to my little homeschool is a loss. Little moments come, like when I’m selling a curriculum I’d spent so many hours studying and planning with, or when I walked them through the halls of the school for the very first time in their lives.

I think it’s more than a small poverty of our society that schools, even “excellent” schools, look like jails with happy colors. I wonder how we all will all adapt to having so much of our time decided *for* us, rather than *by* us. I can’t imagine dreaming in a place like that. Today I was reading an article in Vanity Fair on the birth of the Internet. It’s the 50th anniversary of the Arpanet and the 15th anniversary of the first browser. I was struck by this quote,

…find a good scientist. Fund him. Leave him alone. Don’t over manage. Don’t tell him how to do something…. Tell him what you’re interested in: don’t tell him how to do it.

That kind of free learning and boundless creativity is the culture that gave us one of the most transformative and historic tools of humanity. The homeschooling movement today is more broad and far reaching than most would realize and I have more faith in it’s ability to continue to promote extraordinary thinking (and thinkers) than institutionalized education. I wanted that for my babies.

For now though, it’s time to play by different rules. It’s time to fit within a context. It’s time to explore what the flip side can offer. It’s change that is happening because change happened. I’m learning the mechanics: the physicals, the shot records, the placement tests. I’m buying the supplies: the lunchboxes, the backpacks, the shoes and socks. Truth be told I’m grieving a little when I hear homeschooling friends talk about field trip schedules or history programs. I think the kids are a little nervous about things like Waking Before Sunrise, Homework, and Having To Ask To Use The Bathroom. Just like I didn’t spend my childhood dreaming of one day being divorced, I didn’t dream about sitting them down in a crowded classroom and a day planner at age 7.

One thing remains true: life is full of changes, deliberate and not. It’s what we do with those changes that matters.

Trackback This Post | Subscribe to the comments through RSS Feed