Living-Deliberately.com

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My 5 Today:

• Friends make the list every week because I have awesome friends that add something to my existence every day. I’m so grateful for the support, diversity, laughter, activity, constancy, spontaneity, challenge, and joy.
• my gym. I work out at the Y, which has great programs for every income level. This gave me a place to work out when I couldn’t breathe in the heat down here and kept me working at my fitness goal. Working out there also gives my preschool some “play with buddies” time.  Lots of days it’s helped me vent enormous loads of stress and I get extra time to get to know my kids’ sports coaches; great for this multi-tasker!
• that the election is alllllllmost over.
• the wonderful men in my children’s lives…coaches, priests, friends, family.
• fall days, cold snaps, bon fires, cupcakes and cocoa

The first nine week term has ended in our transition from Home School to Public School. The kids have all gotten their first report cards ever, which wraps up a series of “firsts”…first tests, first homework, first bullies, first flirtations, first backpacks, and so on. And the results are not shabby at all! Honor Roll students and notes from teachers saying they wish they had 20 more kids like mine… creative, helpful, respectful, responsive, bright. There are a few surprises, positive and negative, a few challenges, and a few concerns that turned into evaporations. I thought it might be a good time to issue my own “Report Card” on the contrast between the two methods of education and the experience of the transition:

Curriculum: I feel relief here! A major challenge of homeschooling, sometimes fun and sometimes not, is in choosing material. With as much other that I have on my plate right now, it’s felt good not to have to worry about this. I think if I went over the nuances of what their books have I’d probably have some objections: after all, philosophically I don’t like the “textbook” approach. But in a public system I can see where it has it’s merit and the kids are all progressing, most especially with the day in/day out repetition of certain skills that I was weak in, like Math. It’s a burden off to just have homework to deal with and there’s help around with that too. In choosing my battles, this won’t be one of them. Grade: B

Schedule: I thought I hated it…until the kids had two days off, making a long weekend. I was ready for them to have this structure back in their day! It’s hard getting up to an alarm after years of using the sun and the pace can feel relentless. I miss free, open days with them, especially in the fall when I generally took our “break” so that we could be outside a lot. On our days off we baked cookies and read and went for a boat ride and hung out with friends; it was a good taste of the old days. But there is a rhythm and cadence to school days and our week flows better (especially the work hours, which don’t adhere to teacher planning days so well) when they rise at a set time, eat at a set time, and sleep at a set time. I like it when our Saturdays can ignore the alarm clock, our Sundays are for worship and fellowship, and our week is when we Get The Job Done. The kids seem to as well. Even still, homeschooling’s strength is the mass of time you get to just hang with each other and explore the world, high touch, high interest; nothing can replace that. Grade: C

Art and Music: Okay…it’s possible I have a standard in this area that public school could never meet. Then again, I’ve heard of some excellent systems, like the one my cousin’s kids go to in northern Michigan, with string instrument programs. My kids have been going to art museums since they were infants. I’m a former art student and a musician and I worked hard to immerse them in that at home. They’re familiar with the “greats” and I really do believe that music knowledge (as in, fluent in many styles AND proficient on an instrument) along with art literacy is crucial in raising a well-rounded kid. I think I have my work cut out for me here: In my older son’s school, the kids choose between music or PE. Since the music program is so small, I would think that would increase the incidence of “fit” children there but it isn’t the case so I have questions about the PE program (that I’m not experiencing because he chose Tenor Sax). There is ZERO art at the middle school level. My littler ones get music and art once a week. The art they’ve brought home is pathetically beneath what I know their whole class of age mates can produce…more like preschool craft day. This is going to take a LOT of home study and influence, which I know my kids will get but their school buddies will not. Grade: F

Teachers: Another big place of relief! Before school started I met them all and was impressed with most. Only one left me feeling a bit off and that hasn’t changed. Fortunately she’s only one in a line up my oldest son has and she’s adequate. Maybe not personable but I’m sure she does her job well. Teacher disposition was a bigger deal with my younger two because they’re with them all day and I’m super-pleased with both of them. They are friendly, helpful, and very motivated. They also seem creative and like they have a good handle on their room full of kids (small class size at our school is another plus!). When we’ve had security issues both schools were very attentive and reassuring. I like most of the teachers my oldest one has as well; his band teacher is very good with knowing each kid, his reading teacher (2 hour block) challenges him and draws out his writing talent, his science and Geography teachers both have his interest (no small feat), and his Math teacher gets the job done. No gripes from me here! The contrast here is a humble one, because I have to then ask what kind of teacher was I? I hope a creative, competent, motivated, and personable one but I know I had days when I wanted to take that hat off and just be their Mom again. I miss going through the discovery process with them but I think that for now, it’s good from them to go through it with others. Grade: B

Consistency: Ah…not sure here. It seems really disparate between the two schools. My younger kids’ school is great with teacher/parent communication. They have a steady routine and seem to really use their class time well. The kids are reading, reading, reading, which has been excellent to see. The administration is helpful with health needs, situation understanding (ours has some challenges), and policy information. But at the older one’s school things are a lot different. Getting information on extra-curricular stuff is agony with all the effort required to locate someone who knows what. Homecoming Week meant an entire week of no education (but lots of “school spirit” grrrr). Class time very well may include movies or an old Florida/Ohio State game just because the teacher thought it was important to relive great memories. The teachers have a lot of kids to manage and so may not pay attention to details like “who punched him in the face at the front of your class?”. On the other hand, I’m an involved parent so they know me and speak to me in the halls. They constantly tell me my kids are great and include personal information so that I know it’s not just a general commendation. It’s up and down so I’m reserving some level of judgment. Grade: C

Community: Great sadness here. I miss my homeschooling friends awfully, both moms and kids. While my children have all made classroom buddies, there is almost no opportunity for the parents to spend time together, meet, or get to be friends. Everyone works and is busy in the evenings, myself included. With homeschooling we were bonded with common interests, activities, and a camaraderie built around our philosophy and choice. Every year I met new, highly interesting and continually growing people and my kids met great kids who were never embarrassed to have sometimes-off-culture interests (like novel writing at age 9 or cartoon characters with merchandising lines or sophisticated weapons analysis). I wouldn’t know a single parent in my kids’ classes, even though we’ve been together a few times. And I bet in this town, full of McCain/Palin signs, my “Republicans for Obama” bumper sticker is not doing anything to help! Grade: D

We’ve got free pizzas to eat for making the Honor Roll and lots still to do in this year of “firsts”. I think the first team sports are on the horizon next, as are the holidays. Should be interesting; I’ll let you know.

I’d bet that in 9 cases out of 10 it’s the Mommy taking the kids to the doctor.

I’d bet that in at least half of those cases, it’s the Daddy who is the Insured.

What that looks like: child gets sick, mom makes a call, takes child to doctor, whose nurse hands her forms. She balances snotty tissues, diaper bag, healthy toddler harvesting sick germs in the office, crying baby, and wallet spilling forth insurance cards, driver’s license, and co-pay money. She waits while many sneezing sick children go in before her and then a nurse’s aid leads her to a small inner room. Child is weighed, notes are made, door is closed. Several claustrophobic minutes pass while Mommy plays every version of “I Spy” in a color-coordinated exam room as she can. Doctor comes in and apologizes for being late. Sometimes this ends with a script for an antibiotic and sometimes it ends with the expressed concern that “It Could Be Something More”, in which referrals are made, as are new appointments, all with an extra dose of stress because now Mom is afraid something is seriously wrong with her baby. And sometimes it is.

All in a day’s work for a Mom though. Kids get sick, we have a health care system, we take ‘em to the doctor. No one would really want that to be any other way.

So Mommies, here where it gets a little messy: what you hope for is that you are married to the kind of man who is going to survive, provide, love, nurture, insure, support, and care. And if life doesn’t hand you that, then you hope for the kind of man who will still support and provide for his children when you divorce him, without threats of danger, stalking, or harassment. (However, if you have that kind of man, work very hard to keep him because divorce sucks and so does the other kind of man, which I’ll get to next). And if you find yourself married to, divorcing, or having had divorced the kind of male who does not support his children, throwing only occasional bones in the general direction of their bank account, who routinely sits in contempt of numerous court orders, and who behaves in erratic ways requiring a court’s protection for basic safety, plan on those doctor visits and subsequent bills becoming a little more than you thought when Jr. had a stomach ache that turned into Something Serious.

If this sounds personal, it shouldn’t. There is a massive segment of America going through this same scenario, separate yet together. This will likely resonate because it will sound too familiar to many.

Fast forward through a passage of time. Let’s suggest that there, at some point, is an issue with the insurance or the co-pays are large and accumulate, resulting in a Balance Due. Most people are aware that medical debt doesn’t gather interest and that doctor’s offices are very flexible with payment plans. Let’s now suggest that you are a Mommy who’s husband isn’t in the first category and you had need to divorce him. Or he died, which would still result in the following point. Households are legally divided by assets and debts; the judge splits them and both parties agree. The judge may rule that one party is responsible the debt in one category while the other takes care of something else. He may even rule that the Daddy should take care of the medical debt. This becomes a formal court order and the job is very clear, written in black and white. But guess who doesn’t care? The doctor’s billing office, that’s who.

Well, it’s possible they might if the Daddy fits into the second category and obeys the Court Order. If he makes arrangements with the billing office and sends in regular payments, no matter how small, the office just might be sweet and rosy about receiving payment from someone other than the parent who brought the child into the office.

However, if the male in question (at previous publishing this referred to them as sperm donors but I decided that was insulting to anonymous donors who, through that same anonymity, first do no harm…not the same thing here) refuses to do what the judge said, the doctor’s billing office does not care. They are fully authorized to pursue the one person who’s signature they have: yours.

The only recourse? The Mommy has to pay the bills and then sue the male in question for the money. This will cost him much, much more because the judge will Not Be Happy that the donor is in contempt of court and he will likely add on the court fees to the amount due. Mommies who are suing also do not make adjustments like insurance companies do for Pre-Existing Conditions or Settlements: it would have to be for the full amount she has to pay plus whatever it cost her in court. This is not fun for anyone. But judges and courts make rulings for a reason and holding someone accountable for what they agreed to has a due process. It’s not doing it “to” them…they already did it when they intentionally (passive aggressive or not) placed themselves in Contempt of Court. It’s easy to cry, “it shouldn’t be like this” and that’s probably right.

Then again, that just might be the underlying rotted corpse. Should things gone as they were supposed to, deadbeat dads  would be emotionally stable and reliable Fathers, husbands would never have “ex” attached, insurance would always pay on time (or would just plain BE there for the portion of America sitting uninsured all together). Maybe children would always be healthy.

The answer is, of course, not in Mommy refusing to take the child to the doctor. It’s not in the doctor not getting paid, because they are working and deserve adequate and timely compensation. But back to placing bets: I’d bet most mothers running into the Pediatrician’s office aren’t thinking of what could happen on down the road when there is a snag or a rent so large that Nothing Goes As It Should. Read your forms. And when in doubt of what category Daddy fits into, try to make sure he’s the one signing on the dotted line. There will plenty of other places where you’ll likely be burned; maybe it can be kept to a minimum.

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• Fall, cool nights, hoodies, and waning moons
• my kids’ schools and teachers, who made a major transition so easy
• hope and the restoration of it
• my Tri-goal…make it or not, the discipline of training has been good this year
• college football… a new interest with new friends and MUCH fun! Go ‘Noles!

Last year on Wednesdays I posted a “5 Things I’m Thankful For” list for the weeks before Thanksgiving. It was such a beneficial thing to do that I thought I’d do it again this year. If you join me, please post your link in the comments so I can read yours too!

5 Things:

• Friends and Family…the old ones restored, the support of many, the discovery of new…all a blessing.
• Dancing In The Rain.
• Ruthie and Samuel, my niece and nephew, both of whom I’ve seen born and who I love so much.
• people who love me for who I am.
• sushi and iced coffee…can’t get through a week without ‘em!

A burning issue on my plate at the moment is, “What to drive?”. Okay, more accurately, it’s “How am I going to pay for something different to drive?” but one question does lead to another and there is a little web of them before me. I’m in that place of knowing my current daily bread is about to become toast and I’m not quite sure what’s coming next.

The van I currently drive is 10 years old and has a bit of story to it, as all old things do. My dad helped us find it 8 years ago; it had been a company vehicle so was in great shape. It had 100k miles when we got it but was as clean and tight as a new van. This particular model of Dodge Caravan has a Mitsubishi engine in it and has a reputation for going the distance with minimal repairs and that has been true in this case. Other than routine maintenance, of which it sorely lacked until the past year, it has held up *marvelously*.

I may need to qualify that statement, because standards of what people drive differ. Some people feel very strongly about crash test ratings, special features, speed, or style. What I want most from a vehicle: a sound engine that won’t break down at unexpected times and places, enough room for kids to be comfortable, and no car payment. I’ve had that and more from this van…buying an older vehicle means the anxiety level with the inevitable stains that come with kids is less. It’s been very reliable, with predictable issues and no major breakdowns that left me stranded. When I got it my oldest was a toddler in a car seat and he’s now an adult-sized leggy kid who dominates the front passenger seat. I get great gas mileage (can go from TN to Fl on one tank, which I’ve done many, many times this year) and not ever having a car payment has actually been an acknowledged grace several times over the past several, mostly lean, years.

A year ago I drove it on tires I didn’t know were dry-rotted, from TN to FL in the middle of the night. It was 164,000 miles then and I was hoping to make it to 200k. I call it my “Total Money Makeover Beater” and want to see this paid-for baby go as far as I can. My dad got ahold of it and I think he fueled quite a bit of his anger over the way I’d been treated into making the car right. He slapped high-mileage tires on it, fixed the belt issues, the fuel leak, and had the mechanic check the transmission…the verdict is that they think this transmission can make it another 100k! That would be about 300k on the original transmission! My goal seemed within reach.

I’m not very engine-savvy but I know a few things: the repairs a year ago were over $1500 and saved us having to find me another vehicle right away. I have to keep oil in it: it goes through a quart every 150 miles or so via a leak that can’t be pinpointed. When the AC broke last spring, I decided to skip the repair my dad was willing to help with; my parents absorbed the 5 of us  into their family this year and the expense has been too great to add to it unless absolutely necessary. A van in Fl heat with no AC is no picnic but it IS doable. The headliner is falling, the outside is scratched, but that makes trips to the beach pretty relaxed! The groan in the front end is the strut and it can run fine in spite of that. And I love being able to plaster my bumper stickers on it freely…though I suspect that is a stage and will soon pass. Mostly it just felt good to be able to do it again, like I once had on my first car (a whole ‘nother blog…), Gladys.

I feel an attachment of sorts to this van. I guess people sometimes do feel an affection for their cars but they are usually some kind of specialty car, not a grocery-getting old water wagon of a minivan used to schlep kids around the country. But when I left last year my priest blessed it. My dad repaired it. When the doctor said, “get in the car and go”, we did…up the east coast in snow and ice and had safe journeys, and great memories, the entire way. This van and I went through a lot (dare I say, ‘together‘?) and I sort of trust it.

And now the odometer reads, “221,368″. That is almost 60k miles put on it in a year, and is 21k more miles than I hoped for a year ago. The weather is cooler so the missing AC isn’t missed as much. The radio is shot, the strut-groaning is louder, and there is a new clicking up in the middle. Two weeks ago the brain caught the wackness and my rear wipers decided to stay on permanently, the heater comes on of it’s own accord, and the blicker flickers when it feels like it.

She’s gettin’ old.

But what does one choose next? An SUV seems a hideous choice with gas the way it is. I will still do a lot of driving, though not as much as the past year, in the coming year and then hopefully much less after that. I have four long-legged kids who will have adult bodies within the lifetime of my next car. Another van would be okay but often feels too small for the amount of big-bodies I tow. A car is much, much too small but I’d love to have that kind of gas mileage available. I know I want the next one to have a few things this one does not, like tinted windows and power locks/windows, and dual AC would be Great Gravy.

And the top priority, of course, is that I can afford it. That means PAID FOR. I’ve not forgotten all that Dave Ramsey taught me…and when I look at my life, I know a car payment is delusional. Work is good, the economy is hideous, and please don’t ask about Child Support and the speed of the court system. My little “car” envelope in my TMM system is a bit flat. I’m sure I’m far from the only one in this predicament.

Every week we pray the Lord’s Prayer and when we say, “give us this day our daily bread”, I say a little prayer of thanks for my van. It does what it’s supposed to do with little fanfare and much consistency. And maybe it’s good to drive around in something so honest: a scratched up, rough-edged, vehicle with structural integrity that gets us where we need to go is a true picture of Life in 2008. As surely as 2009 is coming, life is changing, and I think it’s a safe bet to say I’ll be driving something else next year, and it too can be a true reflection of a life in progress: may it be cleaner, safer, reliable, and debt-free.

This is one of the goals for the coming year, articulated to some extent.

Onward~

I do miss those panoramic sweeps of changing mountain color back at my TN home. And the apple orchards, pumpkins-picked-in-the-fields, hay rides under that October moon, the Pumpkin and Soup party at the Small’s, the first fire in the wood stove, and the “Black Walnut Wars” as the boys would bean each other with the green offerings from the trees. But Florida has it’s own hints here and there of seasonal change….the sycamores change to a warm brown, tank tops come in fall colors, and pumpkins hit the church grounds. I savor every second of what I can get! Ditto the expressions on the kids’ faces…they are definitely at the stage where it’s hard to get them all smiling sweetly for the camera!

In warm climates like Florida, embracing a seasonal life may take a bit more deliberateness than in other areas, but to some extent, it can be done.

Onward~

A week ago I saw the first shimmer of this month’s moon. When I stepped from my camper at dawn it was darker than the day before; by the end of the week I was waking to starlight even though my alarm clock setting had not changed. For my body, the new moon is also “the week before my week”, full of iron deficiency, fluctuating hormones, and uncertainty. I’ve learned to try to be quiet on that week…not much writing, not much talking, very little exercise, and plenty of rest; make as few decisions as possible. Cosmic shifts are afoot though, much bigger than wonkiness within my own skin, and so some days life is just odd.

On Tuesday I thought I saw a man killed.

It was an ordinary morning: wet dewy grass, sun glaring at the edge of the tree line, sleepy commuters balancing cups of coffee. I was headed into town for a quiet day of work…he was headed in the opposite direction, looking like he’d just ended his shift. He ran off the side of the road, having over corrected or hit some animal…I couldn’t be sure which. His car bumped in the shoulder and then the ditch for several feet until he slammed into the power pole, snapping it in half. Instantly there were blue and white flashes snapping and whipping as the live wire jumped into the traffic. I wasn’t sure how I saw his car stop abruptly and then seem to jerk backwards, long past the point of collision with the pole but I later discovered why: the wire had reached out for his truck and wrapped itself around the trailer hitch and rear tires. The overgrown ditch and tree line were shrouded in steam and smoke; time sort of held it’s breath.

My cell phone is always in my lap and so I reflexively called 911, certain he could not have survived. I went back and waited for the police to arrive; the power lines were leaning and taught and his truck was wrapped in a sizzling wire. The firemen were first on the scene and the driver was alive! The tires on his truck had protected him from electrocution and though his air bag had exploded and his front end was mangled, he was moving and talking.

Over the next hour they had the power company come and cut him free. I filled out the police report and shakily went on my way. Tuesday was expected to resume it’s normal trajectory.

But with a growing moon and darkening days what is “normal”? The time feels too fluid, the tide too pulled and churning for that. Friends and I misunderstood one another. Unexpected events found their way into small moments of the day. Children’s internal sleep clocks altered, their ears clogged from colds make their voices several levels louder.  Dreams became vivid and ridiculous. One night I dreamed that The Devil wore the shirt of a major bank involved in the current buy-outs. This devil had my future in his hand and was running around behind me, threatening to flush it down a portable toilet until I was banished to a remote corner of the world where it rained bullets. I sat under a tree like Tom Hanks with his Wilson and felt the nocturnal haunting of a cast-away.

The kids have a collection of Halloween paraphenalia: purple hair and chalky white lips while singing The Phantom of the Opera has temporarily replaced the reigning Lego-obsession that used to fill their free time. The “baby” has a set of false teeth for a costume that he carries around, washing in the sink, and rinsing with canker sore cream??? Such mischief comes unexpected; whatever happened to old-fashioned mud pies? Mother spontaneously cooked a nearly-full Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of the week. Two activities were rained out granting time-for-TV on the couch two days in a row… the first time I’ve done that in recent memory, much longer than a year.

I don’t know when Time Change actually rolls over. But when I look in the sky I see we are at a half moon at nearly the half-way point of this month. Sleepy, odd, surreal moments are expected to continue for a few weeks at least, when the cooler days officially settle and we all get homey and hearthy in preparation for the holidays. That moon will have grown full size by then and waned down along with the close of October. I hope November brings with it quietness, contemplativeness, health, and joy, with a quietly rising moon that simply illumines the dark.