Living-Deliberately.com

• It’s a beautiful day. Sunny. Cold. Excitement in the air and all of it positive. It would take something as big as Obama being sworn in after a Civil Rights memorial day to overshadow the negativity on the planet. That’s one way hope whispers…the bad doesn’t go away but the good just speaks louder.
• I’m wondering how my writer friend Warren gets away with  slightly cynical, hilarious wit and how it even enhances his “moody writer” mystique…when the same attitude on a woman would just make her sound embittered. And mostly, how I can’t wait to see his cookbook because he’s a bit of a legend in the kitchen ’round these parts.
• Do you say, “historic” with an “h” sound or not? Is it “an istoric” day or is it “an Historic” day?
• are feelings an original source or are they reactions to thoughts? The answer affects everything, I think.
• It’s interesting to me how the admonition, “first take the log out of your own eye” can play into legal situations. If one is in violation themselves, why would they do *anything* that would take them before a judge? Do they not think that’s going to come up? At least the invitation to share was made for me and saved me the initiation of the paperwork. Responding is easier than Petitioning.
• A commercial just said, “Your debt is not your fault”. That’s right up there with being forced to smoke, drink, or eat into excess. We’re all just victims right? Puhleez. I’ve charged my share of groceries but no one held a gun to me to do it. Unless it’s identity theft, who’s fault would it be?
• Back to the inauguration…Historic or Istoric, I wanna watch.

I had an eye exam today. Just time for my contact rx renewal and since my eyes seem to be worse lately, I wanted to ask about that too. Oh, and Sunday I got poked in the eye with a Christmas tree branch so there was that. My left eye was itchy and my right eye sort of burning but my lenses were a little old and I just figured….

Well that doctor kept hemming and hawing when she was checking my eyes. Then she was puzzled that my rx seemed so far off how badly I was actually seeing. She fliped my eye lid inside out and looked really close.

She asked, “What kind of lens solution are you using?”

Me: “Store brand…or Renu”.

Her: “Interesting.  What lenses?”

Me: “Acuview…the kind you wear for two weeks and throw away, only I store mine at night.”

Her: “The FDA doesn’t recommend that. How come you don’t wear glasses?”

Me: “I feel like I’m hiding behind them. Walt Disney agrees and wouldn’t let employees where sunglasses, or so I’ve heard. ”

Her: “Yes well. Renu and store brand are actually the same solution and we’re having problems with them. Also, your lenses. People don’t like them so much anymore. They get gunky fast. You should think about glasses.”

Me: “Yah..sometimes I clean them mid-day to clean the stickies. But I’m not wearing glasses.”

Her: “Your eyes are telling us things.”

Me: “What are they saying?”

Her: “They’re saying that you really need glasses and to not wear contacts so much.”

Me: “Couldn’t they also be telling me to change my lenses and solution brand?”

Her: “Yeah, there’s that. You have a double corneal infection. That’s why you see like crap right now.”

Me: “Oh”

At this point I was about to get hivey thinking about wearing grody old glasses again, with those slimy nosepads and the headaches they give me from sitting on my nose. And I was calculating cost because I’m uninsured and my eyes are two different prescriptions, requiring two boxes each time. And then she said,

“I’m not giving you medicine yet. Try these new lenses for a week and this new solution and we’ll check you in 7 days.”

So America, that’s a little creepy. A brand of lenses, which is a pharmaceutical product, is actually causing infections that can lead to damaged vision. A brand of solution is helping it right along…apparently the problem is that it doesn’t “disinfect” like it promises to. Did anyone know about this? I get my eyes checked annually and no one said a word. I’m pretty informed and never heard a product recall. The company filling my rx never notified me.  Something wrong about that in America????

I’ll get back up glasses I guess, not that anyone will see me in them.  And I guess I’ll start listening the next time my eyes “talk”.

Okay, so it’s taken me a few weeks into 2009 but I have finally put my finger on what has been behind the increasing lethargic expression, and not only was the answer a surprise to even moi, but it was a difficult truth to face and then decide how in the heck to handle.

So I guess I first have to back up a little. Way back in the day, the middle of 2005 I guess, I started blogging during a major change in my life: a sudden, interstate move from a cozy surburban house to a tiny, edge-of-town apartment, with four children crammed into two bedrooms, in the hopes that we were on our way to financial freedom and eventually a country, independent lifestyle.  Blogging became a way for me to express thoughts, the journey, ideas, etc. But it also quickly revealed itself for a way for me to push myself towards greater authenticity and honesty, and beyond my comfort zone into a rapidly growing bigger world that I had been isolated from (both intentionally and not). More than a journal, many days it became a mirror. I began to see my life from another viewpoint…that of reader, observer, loyal traffic and random search hit.

Seeing one’s reflection in a mirror can be a dicey thing. Often we see what we want to see. Sometimes we see a distortion. And every now and then, we get a full-on honest reflection that we know isn’t manipulated by creative lighting. It was out of such an image one day that the question above was born, “What if you wanted to change your life?”. I did. And I began to do so. And I wrote about it. And now it’s done.

As I neared 2009, I got angsty. You can see it in my posts through the fall…goals set for posts that never came to be. Ideas mentioned, arguements made…but it was becoming self evident that the person I was trying to convince the most was myself. Always before I’ve been excited about the close of one year and the beginning of the next. I almost like the freshness of January more than the festivities of December. Almost. This year, I mostly wanted to hibernate. I took some unplugged time off for the third year in a road: smart move. But I didn’t want to wake back up! I went through a few motions…lemons, cleaning, garden bed prep. I knew something was nagging.

The questions began: Do I start a new site, a fresh site? Does this one just have too much baggage? Archives full of hope, experience, effort, failure, and struggle? Should a new one be anonymous so that I can openly write and process more of what my life is like, authentically and holistically? But then, how authentic is that if I can’t use my name? After my ex has taken so much of my life, my years, my vitality, my experience, should I allow my website and expression to be supressed as well? How many days in a row can I feel the urgent draw to purge thoughts, recipes, dreams, etc and squelch it because of some hesitation to come here and be open? What is the personal expense in turning the lights out and shutting down, even if I focus on something else?

Questions like that kind of trigger a gamut of emotions. Anger at potential loss, frustration, apathy, curiosity, freedom. But what I kept coming back to are the two domain names: sixredheads.com and living-deliberately.com. Both point here, both are the essence of the site. Even divorced from my redheaded ex, I’m still “sixredheads”…I am redheaded and I’ve birthed five redheaded children. And I still feel to my core the desire to “live deliberately”. I like living on purpose. Finding sacrament in the little corners of life. Eating what God grew, cooking the slow way, noticing in the moon, loving people for the truth of who they are, trying new things.

That chunk of archives is true too. It represents stones on the path, the fabric that has made me who I am today. I don’t regret the vast majority if life choices. That was a Clara Lesson. I knew I was better for having had the chance to have, love, and lose my daughter than if I’d not had her at all. I’m glad I got married, I’m glad I had my babies, I’m glad I learned all the things I learned to do. I’m still sad that all that effort, blood, sweat, and tears couldn’t make the ideal happen. But that also is a Clara Lesson: accept the truth of What Is and move forward wiser.

In my business, which is designing/maintaining/coaching blogs for professionals, I do annual updates in January and February. Shiny new versions of wordpress, tweaked templates, new product placement, etc. My own site gets the end of the list. But since it’s officially “that time of year” I started to rethink that.  And then the other day I was driving over Jacksonville’s longest bridge, glancing between traffic and that ancient river, resplendent sky, and distant sailboat race and it hit me:

What I really want to do is stop asking that question, “What if I wanted to change my life?”

Because, doggonit, I have. In 2007 I paid off a wad of debt and learned how to live honestly on a small income. I started a business, ultimately increasing that income. Set goals and made them. And then, the biggest change of all, admitted to the truth of an abusive, toxic relationship and got myself and my children out of it. That’s where the true climb began…therapy for all, shedding of denial, struggle as danger and breakdown followed in the tumult. A fight for emotional health, physical strength, stable and consistent days sans drama began and for the first time, gained ground. 2008 was about Seeds of Change.

In 2009 I don’t want to change my life. I want to sustain what I have and grow it into something more. That is where my delilberateness comes into play: maintenance and nurture. And the question I ask myself now is, “How do I feed contentment?”. Or maybe, “How does your garden grow?”

Now I want to water, illuminate, and protect those tender plants from the freezing temperatures of bitterness and anger, from the drought of despair, the winds of anxiety, the glut of chemical poisons, the over-fertilization of materialism, the glare of criticism and judgment, the darkness of confusion. I want to nurture This Organic Life with gentleness, health, calmness, purity… a natural environment that builds strength and health, vibrancy, wisdom, and deep roots of perseverance. No transplanting unless necessary, and a maybe an end to container gardening. Maybe vary the diet a bit, both edible and cerebral.

That’s the goal for 2009: make stronger what is the same. How that fits into this site is still a different issue. I’m going to freshen the place up a bit. Share what I’m up to. But I’m still somewhat limited. I can’t (and maybe that’s not all a bad thing) share holistically why life is so fantastic, and how. I’m not sure I’ve come a place of peace about that, not sure any writer can, but it’s worth more exploring. Until I get some momentum on the external changes, I’m going to just blog as I feel it…”what am I doing today” kind of stuff. Maybe like pieces on a quilt it will all become evident. And maybe I like the mystery of that.

For now, here’s a bit of levity. I like a wide variety of music and I love videos. Britney Spears recently came out with a grindy dance hit called, “Womanizer”. I read Entertainment Weekly and they listed a few cover spoofs others have done. I headed to youtube.com to check them out. Lilly Allen has a cute brit version but the best was the All-American Rejects doing a whimpery, accordion/beer bottle redneck/skinny rocker boy slant. Not since Alanis did Fergie’s “My Humps” have I laughed so hard at a video. Check it out. Does anyone know if the Grammy CD has been released yet? I think I’ll look and see today.

As discovered on Beth’s blog.

01. Start your own blog — Yes, and about 21 others
02. Sleep under the stars — Yes
03. Play in a band — No, unless church orchestra counts
04. Visit Hawaii — No
05. Watch a meteor shower — Yes
06. Give more than you can afford to charity — No
07. Go to Disneyworld — Yes; favorite commercial destination ever. Clean and well done manufactured fun!
08. Climb a mountain — No. I’ve been ON some big ones skiing or hiking, but not actually climbing a mountain (Taking Beth’s answer, since mine’s a ditto)
09. Hold a praying mantis — Ick, no
10. Sing a solo — No, didn’t sing…but played in a flute ensemble
11. Bungee jump — Not that friggin’ crazy
12. Visit Paris — only in a very nice dream
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea — no
14. Teach yourself an art technique — Yes
15. Adopt a child — No, but almost did
16. Eat sushi — as often as possible
17. Walk to the top of the Statue of Liberty — No, fainted at the base of heat exhaustion in the city
18. Grow your own vegetables — Yes
19. See the Mona Lisa in France — no
20. Sleep on an overnight train — no
21. Have a pillow fight — Yes
22. Hitch hike — see bungee jump answer
23. Look at the rings of Saturn through a telescope — Yes
24. Build a snow fort — of the most killer kind; fully developed igloos in northern michigan snow
25. Hold a lamb — does a goat count?
26. Climb to the top of a lighthouse — Yes
27. Run a Marathon — No
28. Ride in a gondola in Venice — No but I like  an Italian restaurant called the Gondolier
29. See a total eclipse — Yes but aren’t you not supposed to look at those????
30. Watch a sunrise or sunset — Yes
31. Hit a home run — Not even kinda
32. Go on a cruise — no
33. See Niagara Falls in person — No
34. Visit the birthplace of your ancestors — No. Can’t get past the smell of luquevist (sp?)
35. Visit an Amish community — do mean Mennonites count?
36. Teach yourself a new language — Not for lack of trying
37. Have enough money to be truly satisfied — Yes
38. See the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person –no
39. Go rock climbing — no
40. See Michelangelo’s David — no
41. Sing karaoke in public — No and your ears should thank me
42. See Old Faithful geyser erupt in person — No
43. Buy a stranger a meal at a restaurant — Yes
44. Visit Africa — No
45. Walk on a beach by moonlight — Yes
46. Ride in a helicopter — No
47. Have your portrait painted — No, but I’ve painted the portraits of others! (again, a Beth ditto)
48. Go deep sea fishing — No
49. See the Sistine Chapel in person — No
50. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris — No
51. Go scuba diving or snorkeling — No
52. Kiss in the rain — Yes
53. Play in the mud — Yah.
54. Watch a movie at a drive-in theater — Yes
55. Be in a movie — No
56. Visit the Great Wall of China — No
57. Start a business — Yes
58. Take a martial arts class — Not yet, but soon.
59. Visit Russia — No
60. Serve meals at a soup kitchen — No
61. Sell Girl Scout cookies — Yes
62. Go whale watching — No
63. Get or send flowers for no reason — Yes
64. Donate blood, platelets or plasma — Yes
65. Go sky diving — No
66. Visit a Nazi Concentration Camp — No.
67. Adopt a pet from a rescue shelter — Yes
68. Pilot an airplane — No
69. Save a favorite childhood toy — Yes
70. Visit the Lincoln Memorial — Yes
71. Eat Caviar — Yes
72. Make a quilt — Yes
73. Stand in Times Square — Yes
74. Tour the Everglades — well kinda. The ones we see in our Florida landscape. Not really a “tour”
75. Visit the Viet Nam Memorial — Yes
76. See the Changing of the Guard in London — No
77. Drive a race car — No
78. Ride on a speeding motorcycle — See bungee answer
79. See the Grand Canyon in person — No
80. Publish a book — No
81. Visit the Vatican — No
82. Buy a brand new car — Yes but it wasn’t in my name. Ladies, don’t make the same mistake!
83. Walk in Jerusalem — No
84. Have your picture in the newspaper — Yes
85. Read the entire Bible — No
86. Visit the White House — Yes
87. Kill and prepare an animal for eating — Yes, blogged it here somewhere. My rooster, Hercules.
88. Hike the Appalachian Trail — parts of it
89. Save someone’s life — no
90. Sit on a jury — No
91. Meet someone famous — not that I’m aware of
92. Join a book club –Yes
93. Own an iPod — Yes
94. Have a Facebook page — Yes
95. See the Alamo in person — No
96. Swim in the Great Salt Lake — no
97. Cross country snow ski — Yes
98. Hold a snake — see bungee answer
99. See DaVinci’s Starry Night in person — Yes. Well I saw Van Gogh’s Starry Night. I don’t think I’ve heard of DaVinci’s Starry Night! (gotta love Beth’s answer
100. Read an entire book in one day — Yes

What I learned from this was that my friend Beth is much, much better traveled than I! But I kinda already knew that….

Photos chosen for best encapsulating what each month represents for me. Notes as follow.

January 2008

Snow babies, all of them. Many continued thanks to the loved ones who sheltered us in the storm and let our shocked selves heal enough for the next leg of the journey.

February 2008

Warm days in winter, help standing, light coming.

March 2008

Waiting, thinking, absorbing. March was a long month.

April 2008

Two births: Samuel and the return of Hope. A new day was dawning.

May 2008

Welcome back. Restoration and Redemption began.

June 2008

Life on a different side of the world, in many ways. It was a good birthday.

July 2008

Calmness and Stability, deep Peace. Water birth.

August 2008

August held so much… New York City, love, sand and surf. But nothing was as encapuslating as the kids starting public school for the first time, the end of our years of homeschooling.

September 2008

The days of last year were like an ever-widening circle, each one making my world bigger.

October 2008

The culmination of so much, and the anniversary of something else. Beauty for ashes.

November 2008

My Grandma moved to Michigan, we had two birthdays, and a big family Thanksgiving. The rich tapestry of blessing was making itself known.

December 2008

My Beauties, the faces of consistency, peace, stablity, and love.  Merry Christmas!

January 2009: A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Life (said better by Ms. Nina Simone, sigh)

:Yawns:

I’m not running headlong into a new year at all. 2008 was phenomenal and ended on the most peaceful, relaxing note I’ve ever experienced. Drama free, zero arguing, lots of love and smiles and rest. We had a blast of a New Year’s Party (pun intended) and 5 days later I’m ambivalent about plunging into work tasks and normative routines, reluctant to articulate goals and strategies.

Ambivalence is a luxury for the young and irresponsible though ;-). Onward I go and the task list is becoming hash marks and accomplishment. No big post on New Year excitement…what I crave is yellow lemons and white dishes and decorations newly packed in organized bins. A sweaty work out. 3 pounds lost. Closure.

Maybe those things will happen, along with the to-do lists for three occupations. For now, I’ve got a few post ideas. I can recommend two good movies (The Reader and The Tale of Despereaux), one for kids and one definitely not. I just read a fantastic book, Revolutionary Road. My favorite Christmas gifts included blank canvas for new paintings and an Orthodox Study Bible, both of which pretty much call my name daily. I’m excited about food again and the Herb Crusted Prime Rib with Gorgonzola Sauce I made for the holidays was part of that. I’m working on what I want to do and be in the next 12… and it seems that I want first is to be a listener. Listening means I hush, which doesn’t lead to much writing. It certainly means I hestitate to plunge back into the clammor of a busy year. The Collective seems to agree, if the phone and inbox are any indicator. I’ll use the quiet time wisely, knowing it never lasts.

Onward.