Living-Deliberately.com

That title is one of my newest motto’s.

It’s great for times when one realizes they have tried applying rationale, reason, love, gratitude, shame, etc to a problem and realized nothing is working. It’s still broken. No human measure it going to change it BUT the situation is not sustainable.

What’s left is to parse everything down. Quit trying to jump through a hoop. Quit trying to hold everything up.  Admit that what you’ve tried in the past doesn’t work. (Insanity is trying over again what you know doesn’t work but expecting a different result). Write down, in one very clear, black-and-white sentence, what the need is. Forget, for now, thinking about ways it can be reached. Don’t attach to any method of attainment. Just clarify WHAT IS REAL.

Here’s where I don’t know what comes next. I’m open. I’m waiting. For what? Maybe an answer from the sky. A whisper from heaven. A work of God done through a human. I don’t know. When I find out, I’ll tell ya. I promise.

About a week ago a few factors converged that created the serendipitous opportunity to do more than just throw together dinner on the cheap for 8, and instead revel in the process of creating. Sometimes I hug through food, or use it to say “thank you” when words aren’t enough. Choosing to simmer sauce all day, when they could have been fed with a jar of Prego instead, is an example of that. Last week, we had a friend for dinner, there was a remembered flavor enjoyed (but no firm recipe to use), and an empty afternoon due to tech lock down. Rather than scream at my hard drive, I decided to work in the kitchen, and to slow down and do every step as thoroughly as possible.  Here’s the story:

“Hello my beautiful vegetables!” The flavor memory was a dish at church, had a few weeks ago, for Beef Marsala. I did some hunting online for something similar, put 2 or 3 recipes together, and added a few ideas.

I got started by doing a “rough chop”. I knew these were going to cook down significantly and still wanted something to chew. So they aren’t juianned. Red and green pepper, onion, zuchinni, and…

eggplant, heavily salted first, to draw out the moisture. Later, rinsed clean, brushed with olive oil, and put into the oven to roast.

After the eggplant was salted, I decided to add desert. The Ghiradeli package has a recipe for “One Bowl Devil’s Food Cake” that I decided to make into cupcakes. How fresh are those eggs?

They were laid by Laverne and the Girls, less than an hour before.

I’m a white-cupcake-paper purist.

“Yeah, it was all yellow….”. Do you think that color is naturally attainable without real butter and fresh, farm eggs? I don’t! Here’s a tip: skip the big mixer and do it by hand. You’ll burn enough calories to not have to worry about the cupcake later!

Can any Willy Wonka fan open a chocolate bar without tearing the gold slowly and hearing the song???

I loved how light and airy this batter was getting with the whisk. Good sign for light cupcakes to come!

Eggplant roasted golden. Then set aside to wait.

I wanted a little bacon flavor without cooking in a lot of the fat. So I just wiped the pan out from bacon earlier in the morning and used a thick coating of it in the pan for the next step.

My default breading recipe is quarter cornmeal, quarter bread crumbs, half flour, garlic salt, pepper, and a little baking powder.

The top round chunks were tossed in the breading and browned in olive oil. I added more oil as needed because I was doing small batches of a LOT of meat.

I love this jelly roll tray for cooking for a big crowd; it’s incredibly versatile. I lightly brushed the pan with oil first.

Oy! My little veggies, you are next.

And then the baby bellas…

Topped with the eggplant and then about 2 cups of Marsala, some Worchestershire, misc. herbs chopped up, and red pepper flakes.

Cupcakes came out just in time. Those cooling racks were made by my Dad about 30 years ago and they’re my favorite.

Buttery frosting recipe from the back of the Hershey’s can, likewise hand whisked.

oui, oui….cupcake pin ups. Entices me. You?

I baked the beef mixture under foil in the oven for about an hour, adding a little flour roux at the end to thicken the sauce. Two bags of egg noodles later, a big toss, the servings went on plates with a fruity salad and thick wedges of bread.

We almost ate dessert first.

******

Outcome: Happy family. Recipe a bit too spicy: less red pepper next time, a bit more worchestershire and marsala. Cupcake nirvana.

~ Onward

A friend of mine sent me a link to an article today, written by Susan J. Elliot, who writes a blog called Getting Past Your Past. I just subscribed; she’s got a lot of great stuff on there. This article reminded me of a frequent thing I used to hear… “You are SO defensive!” I remember thinking at the time that I knew I was and wondered why he didn’t see anything wrong with that. As in, “Why does she always feel like she has to defend herself? Could I be doing anything offensive to make her feel that way?” The cycle of trying something new in hopes of pleasing him, only to find that it didn’t, and neither did anything else, and that the very effort seemed to anger him, was nearly non-stop.  One begins to feel like they live in a different world from everyone else, some kind of wonky other dimension, where the biggest problems are that you left a door open he thought you should have closed or that you sat in talked to him instead of cleaning the kitchen or you cleaned the kitchen instead of sitting and talking to him.  She says it better than I can; here’s the quote:

The thing is that you become so CONSUMED with trying to convince the abuser that you are not whatever way, you overlook the fact that he or she is a psycho. That’s part of the dance.

It’s very very wearing. You become driven to prove to this person that you are a good and gentle and loving person who would never think or do anything of the sort. Your life becomes one on the defense so you never get to jump over to the offense and wonder what the hell he or she is doing. It’s all about you and how IF ONLY you were less or more or taller or shorter or older or younger or cleaner or neater or thrifty or friendly or not shy or want so much or expect so much or look in the direction of others or not do this or more do more or that or born on a Tuesday or cranky when it’s raining or moody or perturbed or WHATEVER excuse explains why you are abused or criticized or not cared about.

It makes as much sense as saying, “How can I care about someone who wears yellow on Tuesdays? I’m sorry but I can’t.”

But those are the messages and the CRAZINESS of the messages that we receive. I’m sorry oh-unworthy-one, but it’s your fault I act like a complete and utter crazy person. It’s not me, it was that wearing-yellow-on-Tuesday thing you do…I mean who can live with that? If you just straightened up and wore the appropriate colors, I would not be such an insane person.

And we buy it. We run around and eradicate all the yellow from our lives. And next Tuesday we wear pink but that’s wrong too and then black and purple and blue and orange and they’re all wrong too and then the day comes when the abuser says, “You’re so stupid you don’t even wear yellow on Tuesdays.” WHAT? Wait, I thought yellow on Tuesdays was bad. It’s not? Oh let me run right out and get some yellow. There must be something wrong with my hearing or something wrong with my head. So you put the yellow back. And of course it’s “I TOLD YOU that yellow on Tuesdays is NEVER appropriate!!! You just do this to make me miserable!!!”
And so it goes….

Here’s the whole post….

Another brilliant TED talk. This one by Elizabeth Gilbert who presents a different way to view creative genius, the power of doing our part, and the very possible mental salvation it could provide. I needed this today, a day that began dark and deep, where I doubted how much longer I can continue to keep on “showing up”,  yet uncertain how I could ever stop the compulsive creative process and resign to beige stagnancy.  In 20 minutes of listening to someone not only fully “get” that but also provide another way to consider it, I found inspiration enough to continue to plod along. Perhaps you will too.

• that getting “back on your feet” involves falling down a lot. It takes a lot of time. And it will most certainly involve gifts and support from friends and family, a swallowing of any and all pride, and debt. I don’t know anyone who’s done it without those three things and it appears I’m not any different.
• that not having medical insurance is something healthy people can deal with if you’re very, very careful and one’s body does not start doing weird things like bleeding in between periods. Then, contrary to most of womanhood, one actually WANTS to go see their gyn and realizes they can’t possibly. They don’t have one and anyway, anything that could be wrong is going to cost way too much to fix. This is a poverty of mindset that has no platitude repair.
• that times goes quickly. Very quickly. I keep thinking that just over the next hill it’s going to slow down and it never does.
• that time especially goes quickly at night. When sleep is involved. In fact, I think the clock tries to race to dawn because it’s scared of the dark.
• that somedays, Facebook is more fun than blogging. And that social media networking is going to impact the world in big ways.
• that closed doors are, in fact, directional signs along the maze. It really does no good to stand and argue with a brick wall.  It is interesting to me that a meditative labyrinth resembles a maze, and that when one is frustrated within a series of brick walls, the option is always available to sit in the middle and breathe calming thoughts.
• That children WILL be taken seriously. If not now, then later.
• that boundaries are beautiful but so is boundless love.
• that Lent is coming and I am glad.
• that rest is the sign of success to me. Not wealth or material gain. Not accomplishment. The freedom and ability to rest, needs met, family happy, is what I hunger for. That, and the ability to toss the alarm clock forever into the nearest lake.