Living-Deliberately.com

Many thanks to the phone calls and emails and comments I got encouraging me on my swim!

Today I swam again but this time I didn’t run or do strength training first. I was fresh and I had a good carb/protein breakfast. I completed all 16 laps across the pool! Some of them with a kickboard, some side stroke, 1 back, 1 breast…but the point was, I made it across, my breaks were shorter, and I didn’t feel like dying :-).

I probably can’t run AND ride after yet but I think I could one or the other. That’s what I’ll try next.

Onward!

I think it’s a good thing that I have deep stores of “Red Headed Determination” because this is the step in the process where otherwise, I’d step off the train.

Yesterday I began the swim portion of training for the sprint-triathlon I hope to complete. I’ve been averaging a 5 mile run/walk with a 13 mile bike ride and recently added strength training once a week as well. The heat was causing me to wheeze so I’m super grateful for our discounted Y membership with it’s gym and pool access. I won’t be choosing a race in the heat of a Florida summer, for sure, and likely will avoid those with an ocean swim all together. We’ll see though. The ocean would provide less by-stander visibility and looking-obnoxious-whilst-swimming is a definite fear.

Most of the races I’ve looked at incorporate a 400 yard swim. In our pool that is 16 laps. I did have a few factors working against me yesterday:

• a hard morning work out, where I’d pushed my legs especially hard, having newly discovered this cool weight machine that targets what I call “handle bar butt”
• a swimsuit that is too big, with shorts that were chosen for mountain hikes near streams, not lap swimming. I’m also about 3-4 sizes smaller now than when I bought it and the thing sort of drapes. Not great for streamlined, fish-like movement!
• Heat of the day, on the weakest day of my month, with Day 8 of an ongoing migraine

But still, my swimming is embarrassing. My strokes are sloppy and I couldn’t do two laps in a row with the same stroke. I was gasping at each touch of the wall and by lap 7 (I only made it 8!) thought stopping mid-lap and sinking quietly to the bottom sounded like a fine option! Only the side-stroke got me across without feeling like I was dying and I think this is part because I don’t have to wonder how I’m going to breathe with that particular stroke, nor do I create wavy lines down the lane with my wonky back stroke.

It feels vulnerable and obvious out there! No one else was swimming laps so the only others there were the lifeguards, cockily sitting perched just above my lane, and the pre-teen boys yelling “marco!” and “polo” over in the shallow section. My old mantra of “I just want to finish the race” was drowned before my eyes when I instead got a glimpse of my super-white, “had 5 babies” body as the LAST one struggling across the pool in this absurd goal of finishing a freakin’ TRIATHLON. What the heck was I thinking in setting this goal in the first place?

My “most embarrassing swimming story” goes like this: the last time I was in a lap pool was in 2002, when little Wheaton was taking his first batch of swimming lessons. We were at a college pool and there were several competitive swim teams who also used the pool for practices. I was swimming along at my typical “snail’s pace” and these kids were in the next lane. I envied their endurance, their in-sync breathing, their perfect stroke. I did NOT envy their dictator of a coach. But that afternoon I heard him screaming at a group of girls, “Clean it up! You can swim better than that! Don’t you ever let me see you swim like HER!” And yes folks, he was pointing at my pathetic, panting, self. I wanted to drop to the concrete bottom right then and there.

I’ve got lots of voices to reprogram in my head and not all of them belong to a manipulative and controlling ex-husband. Some of them are from guys like that swim coach, who kept me from a public swim for 6 years. I’ve got to learn how to swim better, to care less about how it looks, and complete the goal. But oh how humbling it is to realize how far I am from achievement, how unrefined it will probably look right on through the race, and how much vanity there will be swallow in order to cross the finish line.

After my swim practice I worked with Rowan, who is just learning to swim. I hold his little hands and we kick across the shallow end to grab the wall and we just repeat it over and over until he’s tired out. At every touch of the side he yells, “YAY Mom! I did it! I’m awesome!” I’d love just a touch of that unabashed self-love and enthusiasm. Out of the mouths of babes.

True Story. March is part of “Butterfly Season”, both literal and symbolic, and there I was just riding along on my bike when, “BAM”! A big, yellow and black one smacked me just exactly inbetween my eyebrows.

Guess I’ll add, “sunglasses” to the list of things needed for cycling.

I finally quit procrastinating and went and measured my lap for running and riding. I’d guessed the full lap was between 3/4 and a full mile. BUT GUESS WHAT??!?! It’s actually a mile and half! Oh joy!

Last week was my first week riding. At the end of it, I’d clocked 25 miles for the week. I have no idea if that is “good” or not; it’s just where I’m starting. 25 miles, half against a March wind, on flat roads, at 3rd gear. My seat is much, much too big, I still need a helmet before I venture away from my fairly-secure lap road, and mirrors, lights, and a reflective vest would be a good idea too. Twice while out and about this week I caught a glimpse at real road bikes, with the right kind of handlebars and peddals and seats. I count it progress that I can now recognize the difference between the two. Baby steps indeed.

Then came 5 days off any kind of excercise for illness. We all caught a horrid spring cold but in it’s wake is the vivid reminder: I can’t breathe here in Spring. It’s like a freakin’ Azaela factory around here…there’s almost as much fuschia and white in bloom than there is green grass or leaves on the trees. I’m wheezing and just starting to realize what effect not getting enough Oxygen can do to endurance.

New addition: Music whilst running, thanks to the recommendation of my wonderful commenters.  It does indeed help! I still love, love, love riding and hate, hate, hate running…after this Tri goal is met, I may just quit running all together (who am I kidding? I love running. Sigh).  But music eases the mental boredom tremendously. Favorite to run to: White Stripes.

I’ve learned in the last few days to run first, then ride. Also, that the real trick in a Trithalon is not in being able to run a certain distance, or ride, or swim…it’s in the physical endurance of being able to transition and do all 3. Sequence seems to matter greatly, at least right now. So… I run/walk 3 miles and then ride for 8.

What I’ll be working on: the same combination, with a greater percentage of the run/walk actually run, and the gear on the bike higher.  Shoes and bike stuff are financial goals but I can scrape by for quite a bit longer on what I have now.

Bike riding is going to be like guitar playing for me….imperfect in method and style I’m sure but fantastically joy-producing!

What fun! It’s been a long time since I was on a bike. There is definately something timeless about the feeling it produces; I easily remembered rides when I was scrappy tom-boy, racing up the unpaved K-5 Lane to get home before a summer evening storm, bare feet and bare head and dust flying.

Such momentary glimpses of peace are more than welcome right now.  And it’s energizing to have fun doing something that has such slow progress it’s easy to get discouraged with.

After an estimated 3 mile ride I attempted a 2 mile run. Ha! *Attempted* being the operative word! I didn’t think I was tired after the ride at all but it sure showed in my lack of endurance while running/walking. Oh and plus…I had mental freedom while riding and mental drudgery while running. Quite the contrast.

I suppose a good part of that is just practice and repetition to build it up. Another part is equipment: the bike is no racer, the shoes are still pathetic,  I need a helmet and some reflectors and better mirrors. Riding in the country means that dogs can come out of nowhere and of the 20 cars that pass you, 1/3 will be dirty old men in rusty trucks who slow down to stare, 1/3 will be women in shiny NEW trucks who won’t slow down, and the other third will be kids in cars with lots of base boomin’ while they jab on the phone…can’t be trusted to even see you.  I can see the benefits of riding with a buddy…and maybe a tazer too!

“They” say the best strategy for goal attainment is to write them down, break them into baby steps, and revisit them. Here are some of my stated goals for this year:

Goals for 2008:

(obviously not a complete list):

• continue to learn and train as necessary for my first sprint-level Triathlon; I want to do my first in the spring of ‘09 so the bulk of my learning and prep should be within this year.
• obtain and learn to play the guitar (leftover goal from last year, completely untouched).
• read fiction again this summer.
• paint again.
• hit my buisiness goal.
• transition my children healthfully, teaching them to live honestly, loving them patiently.
• continue, and to some extent return to, eating whole, traditonal foods prepared at home, wherever home comes to be.

And here’s the update:

1. Triathlon efforts continue. I’ve increased my running to include a 3rd lap of my route. I’ve decided I LOVE the end result of running…the toning, the clear mind, the endurance built. I HATE the process of running! It’s boring as heck. I don’t listen to music because I’m concerned I need to be listening for traffic and safety threats. Lap one means I’m having my “worry appointment” and sorting out all the crud in my life that needs to be chewed. Lap 2 means I’m feeling like puking, wishing I could be in childbirth instead and cussing to the caedance of my footfalls. Lap 3 means the worst is over… some kind of stupid mental and physical hurtle has been crossed…I’m smiling because I’m working on a balinese meditation method and I feel strong. In honesty, I *could* run a fourth lap by that point I’m bored out of my gourd and always head in home. It’s time for a shake up in my routine!!! And, I should actually *measure* my distance because I still don’t really know how far I’m going.
2. Fortunatley, one is coming! I have a bike!!! It’s not a racing bike but will get me on two wheels and street riding. I’ve got to refurb it and clean it first. It’s impetus enough to get a helmet and a little variety in the work out. I don’t know what to look for in a helmet…any advice?
3. BWWWWAHAHHHAHAHHAHAAA!!!! Oh joy!!! My beautiful GUITAR!!! I LOVE IT. My fingers have unfamiliar callouses that still take getting used to. I can play enough chords to strum a few favorite songs and am learning to finger pick. I started working with a capo last week. Lots of fun with different keys now! Sitting with my guitar has been tremendously therpeutic and fun. What a happy spot!
4. AND I’m painting again! I’m painting what I dream and I’m working in oils, part of a goal from last year. I finished one painting this weekend and have another in progress. There’s a whole ‘nother post coming on how many times Art and creative expression has saved my life. It may never earn me a dime or hang in anyone’s home but my own but I never feel more honest with myself, more true to who I really am, than when I have my fingers in paint.
5. Fiction in the summer? Gee… I hope so! But I’m really not much of a TV watcher and I got ahold of some fiction recently and decided not to wait. The Kiterunner was first, followed by A Thousand Splendid Suns, and A Year of Wonders. All of them excellent reads. They were good breaks in the more vigorous line up of “recommended for therapy” titles also on my nightstand.
6. (it was somewhere in this past month that I realized painting, singing, and reading have always been a part of my life since early childhood…and if I ever go years at a time without doing any of them again, I ought to take a good hard look at what’s causing that).
7. Business is recovering from a rocky season of too-much travel and disruption. Hopefully that will continue.
8. The children are doing well, though this particular goal will be many years in the meeting and is only in it’s infancy. And it’s much too private to go into detail over.
9. Whole foods…could still improve quite a bit here. I did manage to quit the Buffalo Wings Dorito habit. And I’m nearly addicted to sushi, which is a pretty dang healthy food option. But my diet really does need more good yogurt, soaked beans and grains, and fruit. Coffee is not a food group and I need to work harder on remembering that. There is also WAY too much white sugar going on….though my cupcakes of late have been made with Turbinado. I should give sucanat a try……

Because I’m doing much better on my goals than I expected to, I’m going to add in a few more that I think are healthy and necessary and currently not present enough in my life:

• work on “greening” things up a bit more….compost the food scraps, contribute to the garden, be more diligent with power consumption (turn off this ‘puter at night!), use a reusable water bottle instead of buying them…etc.
• get my budget written. I am now “variable income” and Dave has sheets for that. It’s time to get very, very intentional with money, more than I ever have done so before; there’s no excuse not to because I certainly know better!
• kayak…another long time wish that I’ve done nothing to attain. Saying it in writing is a start.

Okay…so now it’s YOUR turn! Blog your own goal progress and leave me a link in the comments. Also, link to this post in your own post. I’ll take the names off all who participate and randomly draw one to receive a FREE UseAgainBag…a reusable grocery bag, completely made in America (fabric included), with super-strong handles, hooks for the baggers, and a deep capacity. This ain’t the cheapies they sell for a few bucks that look like they could fall apart in a few trips….made in China, of course! I promise you’ll love your bag! (And for those not in the contest or who just want to buy your own…there is currently free shipping all all orders!)

As part of my Living Deliberately Strategies, I’m going to take my list once a month and check to see how I’m doing. It’s too early to do that on the primary list but since I began my Triathlon goal before the new year, I chose today to update my progress on my December goals.

And I’ll take this  opportunity to say a big “thanks” to the great comments I’ve gotten offering advice and encouragement. I appreciate you!

Happy New Year!!! One of my very favorite days of the year…I like it better than christmas, better than my birthday. I like fresh starts, Anne-Shirley-ish reminders that, “tomorrow is a brand new day, with no mistakes”, chances to compare what has been with what is wanted and to make goals and adjustments and strategies for challenges. Today is a day for articulating deliberateness, full of gusto and intention. I love new calendars, new lists, hope and promise and anticipation.

At the end of 2007 I saw nearly everything in my life change. From weekend to weekend I don’t know where I’ll be…and yet we had a beautiful continuity with love, tradition, and memories. It has been a time for finding comfort in the intangible, for deep breaths knowing from experience that this grief will pass with time, for joy and discovery in the simple little things returning to me from long ago. I’ve conquered old fears (at least to some extent), adapted where I thought it was impossible, and opened doorways long in existance at the end of my mind’s hall but that seemed forever closed. With a year ending like that, it feels unlikely that the next will be mundane.

At the end of 2007:

What used to be: I loved music, movie soundtracks, new releases, multiple genres.

What has been: no fm radio, no mp3 technology, a quiet life with radio talk shows and occaissional music finds, usually via rhapsody.com or youtube.

What has become: burned CD’s from friends, a handed-down mp3 player loaded with music belieing a musical-kindred-spiritedness that was a beautiful surprise, and a car radio on the fm dial in multiple places, via a sort of hack involving an adapter and a CD player.

The result: MUSIC!!! New music, old music, lyrics for every emotion and thought, Orthodox worship when I can’t go to church, soundtracks that sweep. Music heals, helps one cope, express, and ventilate. It’s like soothing balm on cracked hands.

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What used to be: airplanes are large metal objects that have no business hurtling through the sky, and if they come down, we ought not be surprised.

What has been: major anxiety attacks when needing to fly…afraid of every bump and jostle, the fear palpable that I’d be in the next headline, having fallen and burned and crashed.

What has become: “it’s a like a bus”, so said a friend, and in so doing, gave me a great measure of freedom. Buses sway and move and make noises and really, an airplane isn’t so different. Sheer time saved makes flying worth the effort, even with crabby holiday travelers. Each flight gets a little easier and I no longer shake and tremble.

The result: I get “there” faster. I feel the world opening to me. I’ve let go of trying to control something that never was in my hands to control.

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Other changes were seeing my Total Money Makeover Beater turn over the 200k mileage mark, setting me on my way to reach my goal of taking the same Dodge Caravan engine and transmission over 269,000. The “Get Divorced Weight Loss Result”, that a friend described to me a year or so ago hasn’t failed…there’s no faster, nor more painful way to loose 15 lbs without even trying. But the flip side of the weight loss is that it’s better than sitting around getting fat and depressed and actually helps motivate me along on the Triathlon Goal.

It’s where I am: a divorcing, single mother of four children with a bad back and a slew of hopes and dreams, hanging onto the encouraging words of others who get me through every day. There’s adventure between every sunrise and set, there is the ordinary mixed with the incredible, there is the Thing To Deal With and the little moments of respite, be they a quick sketch with charcoal, a few chords on a friend’s guitar, or a new food I’ve waited years to try.

Goals for 2008:

(obviously not a complete list):

• continue to learn and train as necessary for my first sprint-level Triathlon; I want to do my first in the spring of ‘09 so the bulk of my learning and prep should be within this year.
• obtain and learn to play the guitar (leftover goal from last year, completely untouched).
• read fiction again this summer.
• paint again.
• hit my buisiness goal.
• transition my children healthfully, teaching them to live honestly, loving them patiently.
• continue, and to some extent return to, eating whole, traditonal foods prepared at home, wherever home comes to be.

************

My calendar this year is a collection of Rodin’s sculptures. I love them because they hold in time moments that are usually fluid, that catch our breath in our throats, that translate much larger than they tangibly seem. Catching the emotion of life in solid form was Rodin’s brilliance, taking motion and holding it, turning it, even as we notice and move onward. That sort of expresses what I want this year to hold…moments kept for thier profundity, even as take each step beyond.

In the sidebar, near the top, you can see that I’ve added a separate “Triathlon Goal” page, to chart my progress between now and the hoped-for accomplishment in 2009. My plan is to chart my progress there and post reflections on the process, along with alerts when there is a chart update, here on the main page.

Anyone else working on an althetic-oriented goal, or considering one with the upcoming new year?

Living Deliberately Goal: Complete My First Triathlon

Broken down goal: learn and research the componenets, to decide what gear I need to get started.

Further broken down goal: start with bikes. It’s a big world!

I think the last time I rode a bike was a fat-seated beach cruiser when I was pregnant with my third baby. I was barely showing at the time but the fear of falling was too intense so I got off and left it. Wait no…that’s not right. It was earlier this year, at the beach, on a man’s mountain bike with a crotch-numbing seat. While soaring under a mossy canopy near ocean views, it was nothing like racing down a dirt road on my banana-seat Huffy as a kid, trying to make it home before a storm broke, wind through my hair and dust coating my bare feet!

The first time I had an interest in cycling was after watching the movie Singles; I’ve since seen that movie at least 500 times and I still get a giggle out of Debbie and her gear. Her peter-horton love interest in the movie was also a cyclist in Thirtysomething, his bachelor bike on a stand in his uber-cool apartment. Somehow, serious cycling has kind of interwoven itself into an impression of active-adulthood in my mind. Coupled with it is my interest in energy reduction and blogs like Simple Reduce that document regular people using bikes more often and their cars less. Cycling, in all its forms, feels like a responsible choice for a hobby, more productive than collecting things that gather dust or add to heedless materialism.

I’ve recently spent some time with a cyclist, getting just a snatch of exposure to safety concerns, stories of road accidents, and the wide expanse of choices there seem to be in very task-specific bikes. Silly me took a look at a bike on a stand and thought the same bike could go down both highway and off-road trail!! I couldn’t figure out why the spokes looked different or why the wheel routinely came off or why a wheel would go to the repair shop. I’ve since learned that wheels, like everything else associated with cycling, can be pricey and is designed to go many, many miles; bikes come odometers and regular maintenance is a must. Getting parts replaced is necessary, just like on a car.

Still feeling rather shy about asking questions, I’m going slowly and using websites where I can. I found a british site today that broke down the differences between the kinds of bikes out there and most importantly, had a separate article for the difference I need to look for in a woman’s vs. man’s bike. I found one site last week that was triathlon-centered and said repeatedly to just get the cheapest bike that would do the job but I’m thinking that there are certain elements that need to be paid attention to (like that, um, SEAT?!?)

In other Triathlon news, I have found a race or two I’d like to pencil in but the ‘08 dates feel way too soon. I’m setting my sites on being ready for ‘09. This year will include trail running, learning to swim, getting a bike and learning to ride it, and practice runs.

I get a lot of advice on how to manage this blog.  With nearly 7,000 readers per month, I take it’s direction pretty seriously, especially now that blogging has spun off into a business for me. One common suggestion is that this blog, while it started as a very personal site, needs to become less so. I have always felt that a good 90% of me remains behind a veil and that while this blog documents a journey, it only shows a fragment with it’s limited capacity. The very best of public sites will never penetrate the innermost of someone. Still, the “characters” in the story of the journey are part of it’s fabric and provide a valuable context for the information. It would be nice to retain that through any redirection.

I’ve decided to simply follow my gut, pay attention to my keywords, and answer the primary question, “What if you wanted to change your life?”.  Because on any life journey there ARE things we all want to change and it’s my approach to break it down into steps that get me to my destination. It’s my intention with the blog to stay true to that break-down, effort, and ultimately, accomplishment.

So this post is a “first” of sorts. I’ve made myself a list of goals, some of them old and some of them new, some of them a mere refinement of something that lain dormant. I am calling them my “Living Deliberately Goals”, which will then have Strategies, and I’ll revisit my progress along each one. Maybe readers will want to come along for the ride and maybe they won’t; the sharing will be genuine yet focused.

So without further wordiness……

My Living Deliberately Goal: Complete My First Triathlon.

Why: I enjoy being athletic but want to do more and need a focused way to do it. It involves three things I’m interested in doing well: running, swimming, and cycling. The image of crossing the finish line is a fun idea and makes me feel strong.  My inner-competitiveness wants to see if I can actually pull it off.

What I don’t care about: Speed: I don’t care to do it quickly…I just want to finish. Doing an Ironman: there are three levels of Triathlon from what I’ve read, and I just want to do the “sprint” level. How long it takes me to accomplish it: there is expense involved, training needed, and timing issues…it may take me a long time to get this one crossed off and I’m not going to let that stop me from starting.

Obstacles to overcome:  I have no bike, nor have I ridden in a long time! And never on the road! I have crappy running shoes! I swim so badly that a swim coach once pointed to me in the next lane and told his swimmers NOT to swim like me! I do run, but it’s only 3/4 of the distance needed for a sprint-triathlon. Money: bikes, suits, shoes all cost money I don’t have right now.  I currently live in a place where there are no indoor pools, no bike lanes, and no good places to run. Today I ran with a dog who tripped me on a busy road, skinning my shoulder, knee, and palm. So on the road to crossing off obstacles we can start with: NO DOGS who get distracted with birds.  I also soon will be moving to a place that at least possesses an indoor pool, bike lanes, and running paths. Accessing them will be a different story, but first things first ;-).

Goal this week: LEARN!!! I have some research to do. I need to find some people in the “know” who’ve done this before. And I need to get my run/walk up to 3.5 miles, which will take longer than a week (it’s currently at 2 miles). I also want to investigate to see if there is a sprint-level triathlon available in the next year for me to target, sort of in pencil, to see if I can make it by then.