Living-Deliberately.com

I haven’t had a lot to say lately, mostly because I’ve been doing two things:  living a very full life in such vivid color that there is no energy for both living it and talking about it, and, thinking stuff in my head through that hasn’t crossed over to “articulate enough to print”.

One of those things is the endless advice mothers get about their children and how often ideals must be set aside for the sake of honoring what is best not for your ideal children in an ideal world but for your unique children in a very flawed, messy world.  Another of those things is the memory of how often I’ve chosen things for my own children that live outside of the Ideal Box, shunned all that well-meant but too-far-removed advice, and gone with what I knew in my heart was best for them. Coupled with it, of course, comes the memories of years of chasing ideals, adopting ideals, and letting them become my other gods. These decisions always missed the mark and left a scar pointing in the direction of where I should have been.

In my heart I knew that birthing them the way I did was right for them.  I never regret the project that went unfinished because I was nursing and napping with my baby but I’ve often regreted weaning too early because of a number and someone else’s opinion. We spent long days together that became long years together, making mud, prowling the library, sleeping in, and cooking, doing that right thing called “Homeschooling”. We hiked past national monuments, through deep snow, and all through China Town doing that right thing called, “Be Safe”, which most certainly attacked ideals. And we’ll do it again, as this year, without a doubt,  will hold its own life-changing choices as we pursue that right thing called, “Moving Onward”.

My friend Julie wrote a great piece today on Motherhood that took a few of my inarticulate thoughts and helped me find some form. Read it and then go find a kid and kiss ‘em. Motherhood doesn’t have to be martyrdom.

In my Thanksgiving Countdown list every week, a recurring point has always been the friendships in my life. And having those people in my heart and life really are one of the biggest elements of my life right now that is “right”.

A look at my Facebook list was interesting: I’ve been blessed to have friends in every state I’ve lived in, friends since I was a baby, friends since I was a bushy-headed 13 year old. Friends since high school, friends who I met in the gap between school and marriage. Friends who’s babies were born when mine were, friends in every church along the way, friends inside of the box and out. Friends who homeschool, public and private school, friends who unschool. Single and married, black and white, gay and straight, longterm and new. I have friends who walked through the door of divorce before me, friends who’ve been through violence to the other side and encourage me along my way, friends who’ve been married 40 years and Understand. I have friends who waited through and were Still There when I went years disallowed from contacting them. Friends who have protected me, sheltered me, challenged me, and been painfully honest and straight with me. Friends who understand the reasons behind my journey and friends who don’t but love me anyway. Friends who voted McCain/Palin and friends who canvassed for Obama. Friends who have never seen my face but read every word I wrote this year, and I, theirs. Friends who don’t own a computer. Friends who giggle at my exploits and friends who won’t let me take things (or myself) too seriously. Friends who saved my life and friends who saved my cupcakes. I’m glad it’s a big, big world.

If you’re reading this, you know who you are.

One of the things that was pointed out this year is that having a variety of friendships is a sign of a healthy life. When a person is evaluated for personality disorders and mental illness, one thing that is looked at is the relationships around them. Are there large gaps of time where they don’t communicate with their siblings? Do they still talk to anyone who served in their wedding? Are they in touch with anyone from their childhood? How long can they hold the same job in the same office? When is the last time they went out with someone for fun? Do they have a balance between old friendships and new, in a variety of settings? After all, the buddy you chat with about yesterday’s game over the cubical wall is different than your old roommate yet being able to maintain both with stability requires mental balance and health. People who only have old friends probably don’t get out much or handle their daily stress well. And people who only have new friends who cycle through quickly probably have a host of other, mostly narcissistic, issues as well. Or so the discovery has gone.

So, if having relationships is a sign of health, I think it also encourages health. Having a lot of people in your life means you have a support system. You aren’t alone. And you can’t be small…. people are all so different. So challenging. You have to learn to ebb and flow and let people be Who They Are, which in turn sharpens you into a Better You. I can see the contrast through my years of how I’ve been challenged to listen more, say things better, reach out of myself, hear someone else’s need. Loneliness isn’t just about the one who is isolated and can sometimes be very selfish. I can’t know or address anyone else’s need if I’m locked away to myself. And they can’t know mine. The world shrinks.

Controllers know this. They like the world small because it means more of it is under their thumb. It’s more easily managed. Eliminate abusive control and the world grows; freedom blooms.

People Are Beautiful and variety keeps life growing. You can’t have Spring without Winter or Summer without Spring and who would really want one long, never-changing season? My friends who try new foods with me know this, as do my friends who read new books and my friends digging into musical history for an old classic or salvaging windows from that old house for a cold-frame. I grow when I find a common interest over native grains with someone of a foreign (to me) faith.

I’m a big believer that God always does His work through people. That means, when we pray, we’ll see the answer very often via another human being and maybe it doesn’t look like what we expected. Many, many times I find myself near tears with gratitude of the friendships that are in my life. For years I was told I didn’t have time to give them and to let them go. Or that they were hazardous people that I should avoid. Or that I’d outgrown them. But life in the Light has shown that not to be the case at all. Even busy lives can include times to connect. Maybe not as often as anyone would like but enough to communicate caring, interest, and the hope for more. Someone’s idea is not dangerous to me or mine unless they force it upon me and ironically, friends don’t do that…controllers do. And how can someone really “outgrow” another human soul? None of us is at our destination yet and everyone is growing.

So, dear friends, you are one thing that is right in my life right now. If I could change anything about it, it would only be that there continue to become more of you, with more time to really nurture and discover. What I have, I hope to preserve. I want to be a better friend, listen more, grow more, discover and give. New, old, casual, intense, same as me, different than me… It’s an honor to be on the path of life with you. Thank you.

Long term readers will remember my review of the Oprah-recommended book Family First, Woman Always. Actually, a good portion of my traffic is still for the keywords, “Kathryn Sansone” (the author of the book) and that title, and also the contrast I blogged about in Michelle Duggar. While both women have large families, they are on opposite sides of the “Family First” spectrum. I find that to be much more plausible with Michelle than I do Kathryn. From all appearances, Michelle is the embodiment of what a “dedicated mother” is, not just for having lots of babies but in the sheer amount of time she pours into them…the impression I got from Kathryn’s book was that the “woman first” was really what it was all about, with cute kids as accessories on the side.

So…two years after those posts, I still stick to the disclaimer that these are not judgments or opinions on the women or families or ideologies themselves but rather the image they are putting forth to the public for our avid consumption. Kathryn wrote a book and went on Oprah; the Duggars have a TV special debuting tonight.

This morning over coffee it was quite the surprise to see the gathered Duggar family on the Today show from my little town of HILLIARD, Florida. This place is a little-known notch in the Florida/Georgia border. Apparently the oldest Duggar boy married a local and this morning they had a live telecast with Anne Curry right down the street from our house.

I like Michelle’s new hair. She is vibrantly expecting baby number 18, a girl. The thought of that makes my uterus hurt but any woman who does that gets nothing but “life and love” from this corner. I’m kind of bummed I didn’t get to meet her!

I’ve recently had lots of bank exposure. I have my little bank in my former town and it’s branch, closer into the city. I have a few different kinds of online accounts and frequently spend time getting all the accounts to work together, to transfer money where it needs to go and when necessary, make it either more accessible or less. I traveled a lot last month and kept an eye out for a bank, other than the giant Bank of America, that would have locations in all of the places I was. That is no small feat! Many states, many towns…I knew I was likely going to open yet another account so that I could have local check cashing, in my new locality. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

But there was  bright green sign that kept catching my eye. True, true it’s my favorite color: bright green. And, true, true, there was a branch location in every single town I visited. I’d decided to go with them just upon that.

Then came the day I walked in. I wasn’t enthusiastic. It was lunch time. I had all four kids with me. Going into a bank is usually quiet and echo-ey and I get “looks” from navy-clad professionals who look like they’re biding their time until lunch…or 4:30…wherever it is in the day. Lines are always long. Kids are always antsy. Waiting for the paperwork process is a pain the butt.

The *very second* I walked in, two bank employees got up and welcomed me. They did not get weird expressions of dread when they saw four children walk in with me. Across from the waiting area was a plate of fresh cookies and coffee. On every table and test was a big bowl of giant gumballs. I told them that I wanted to open a new account and within seconds I was sitting down across from a guy who seemed genuinely interested in doing this aspect of his job today. Right away they both expressed that they understood I didn’t want this to take a long time and that they’d do all they could to help me get it done and on my way.

He helped me open the account; she got my children washable markers and paper to color, and cookies and napkins. It was fast. It was easy. After he introduced me to the tellers I’d likely be working with, I left happy. Even after cookie crumbs and gumball drool, they still did not seem at all fazed or exhausted that some woman brought her four busy-bodies in. In many other businesses, that would have gotten me looks of fatigue, stress, dread, and the unique, “eewwww…..your kid just got goo on my desk…thanks for making my day even harder.”

Two days later I got a hand written thank you card from him, well written and with a phone number included, should I have any questions. My debit card also came, already pinned. We did that in the office, which was groovy because I loathe waiting weeks to get my card and then more days later to get my pin separately, and then have to relearn yet another number. It was great to choose my own ahead of time.

That day I went to the drive in teller. They asked me first if I wanted the kids to have lollipops. And I got a service call, just to check to see if I was indeed happy with my Region’s Bank experience.

The day after that I walked in alone, to get some paperwork notarized. The same employeed recognized me, noticed I didn’t have my kids, and asked me how they were doing. She described their cuteness to the employee she took me to, so that I could get my needs met. At this point, I was feeling a little guilty I hadn’t spent the same amount of effort to learn their names!

You know that point where they say, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” I think it’s been a long time since I felt like the person asking it was genuinely interested in doing more than the bare minimum. It occurred to me that these Regions folks actually like their jobs! They enjoy their days there! And it shows in how they deal with people.

Two nights after that I got a call from a hired-survey center. The deal was to answer a series of questions using a scale from 1-5; 5 being the highest. I gave Regions a straight “5″. Yes, they made me feel like my buisness was important to them. Yes, they made me feel like I was a person, and not just business. Yes, they seemed to sincerly want to help. Yes, they greeted me right away (don’t you hate walking into a place where no one will make eye contact with you?). And on and on.

It seems a little odd to be so excited about something like a bank these days. I think it’s bigger than that though. This company has obviously given some thought to branding and the new generation, which uses conversational marketing and the relational economy to stand out in their field of competitors. They aren’t striving for the status quo, which would probably still give them a successful bank business. They seem to want more than that. They intuitively understand the connectivity this day and age is seeking. Their sincerity shows. They are indeed, Living Deliberately.

It’s refreshing, in the most spring-green of ways, to not have to dread a regular chore in my routine. Going to the bank is a happy spot in my day…not just for my kids, who know they’ll get free lollipops, but for their Mom too, who won’t be treated as if she were just another faceless customer handing over her hard-earned money. So a big THANKS to Regions Bank, and in return, here’s the biggest personal referral I can offer!

Happy New Year!!! One of my very favorite days of the year…I like it better than christmas, better than my birthday. I like fresh starts, Anne-Shirley-ish reminders that, “tomorrow is a brand new day, with no mistakes”, chances to compare what has been with what is wanted and to make goals and adjustments and strategies for challenges. Today is a day for articulating deliberateness, full of gusto and intention. I love new calendars, new lists, hope and promise and anticipation.

At the end of 2007 I saw nearly everything in my life change. From weekend to weekend I don’t know where I’ll be…and yet we had a beautiful continuity with love, tradition, and memories. It has been a time for finding comfort in the intangible, for deep breaths knowing from experience that this grief will pass with time, for joy and discovery in the simple little things returning to me from long ago. I’ve conquered old fears (at least to some extent), adapted where I thought it was impossible, and opened doorways long in existance at the end of my mind’s hall but that seemed forever closed. With a year ending like that, it feels unlikely that the next will be mundane.

At the end of 2007:

What used to be: I loved music, movie soundtracks, new releases, multiple genres.

What has been: no fm radio, no mp3 technology, a quiet life with radio talk shows and occaissional music finds, usually via rhapsody.com or youtube.

What has become: burned CD’s from friends, a handed-down mp3 player loaded with music belieing a musical-kindred-spiritedness that was a beautiful surprise, and a car radio on the fm dial in multiple places, via a sort of hack involving an adapter and a CD player.

The result: MUSIC!!! New music, old music, lyrics for every emotion and thought, Orthodox worship when I can’t go to church, soundtracks that sweep. Music heals, helps one cope, express, and ventilate. It’s like soothing balm on cracked hands.

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What used to be: airplanes are large metal objects that have no business hurtling through the sky, and if they come down, we ought not be surprised.

What has been: major anxiety attacks when needing to fly…afraid of every bump and jostle, the fear palpable that I’d be in the next headline, having fallen and burned and crashed.

What has become: “it’s a like a bus”, so said a friend, and in so doing, gave me a great measure of freedom. Buses sway and move and make noises and really, an airplane isn’t so different. Sheer time saved makes flying worth the effort, even with crabby holiday travelers. Each flight gets a little easier and I no longer shake and tremble.

The result: I get “there” faster. I feel the world opening to me. I’ve let go of trying to control something that never was in my hands to control.

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Other changes were seeing my Total Money Makeover Beater turn over the 200k mileage mark, setting me on my way to reach my goal of taking the same Dodge Caravan engine and transmission over 269,000. The “Get Divorced Weight Loss Result”, that a friend described to me a year or so ago hasn’t failed…there’s no faster, nor more painful way to loose 15 lbs without even trying. But the flip side of the weight loss is that it’s better than sitting around getting fat and depressed and actually helps motivate me along on the Triathlon Goal.

It’s where I am: a divorcing, single mother of four children with a bad back and a slew of hopes and dreams, hanging onto the encouraging words of others who get me through every day. There’s adventure between every sunrise and set, there is the ordinary mixed with the incredible, there is the Thing To Deal With and the little moments of respite, be they a quick sketch with charcoal, a few chords on a friend’s guitar, or a new food I’ve waited years to try.

Goals for 2008:

(obviously not a complete list):

• continue to learn and train as necessary for my first sprint-level Triathlon; I want to do my first in the spring of ‘09 so the bulk of my learning and prep should be within this year.
• obtain and learn to play the guitar (leftover goal from last year, completely untouched).
• read fiction again this summer.
• paint again.
• hit my buisiness goal.
• transition my children healthfully, teaching them to live honestly, loving them patiently.
• continue, and to some extent return to, eating whole, traditonal foods prepared at home, wherever home comes to be.

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My calendar this year is a collection of Rodin’s sculptures. I love them because they hold in time moments that are usually fluid, that catch our breath in our throats, that translate much larger than they tangibly seem. Catching the emotion of life in solid form was Rodin’s brilliance, taking motion and holding it, turning it, even as we notice and move onward. That sort of expresses what I want this year to hold…moments kept for thier profundity, even as take each step beyond.

I have a favor to ask: does anyone have a copy of their Dave Ramsey book they’d be willing to lend me? I can’t access my copy and I’m starting the TMM from scratch. I could use the wisdom and inspiration right now. Email me if you’ve got one you can spare for a few weeks: Tia AT sixredheads DOT com.

Earlier this year a friend told me about the movie The Secret, which I watched online, and was quite honestly changed and challenged within the time span of it’s running. I know there are mixed reactions to the presenation, packaging, some of the claims….and like a lot of things in my life these days (is it the age?), I’m no longer interested in the debate but rather, if I value something being said, quietly taking it and applying it to my own life.

And so I began to allow the Law of Attraction to alter my thinking. Wait. That sounds a little more passive than it was. The process began as a breakdown of some of the things I frequently said, most within inner monologue, and the message I was reinforcing every time I did so.

For instance, I frequently said, “I’ll never get out of debt!” EVEN THOUGH I was working hard on a Total Money Makeover, we lived on a “beans and rice” budget, and were making great headway on the Debt Snowball. The negativity was thwarting my belief. My discouraged-self would then go shopping, where I already felt defeated, and then I’d break my budget! After watching the movie, I changed that inner groan to one of inner confidence, “We are becoming financially free!” I didn’t even want to USE the word “debt”. And so it went….when I don’t feel well, I try to say, “I’m so grateful for my strength and healing.” becuase regardless of how weak I might feel, it ALWAYS could be worse and boy oh boy am I glad it’s not! Funny thing happens….I start to cope better with the challenge. And that financial freedom? Well, sure enough we acheived it.

Around that time my business began. From the start, I’ve had articulated goals for what I want that business to bring into our lives. If it does not help us reach them, it will be instead thwarting them with it’s time consumption. I do believe the work is a gift from God and was given so that we can meet the needs of our family. “Failing to plan is planning to fail” wasn’t in The Secret to my memory, but I found the sentiment applied. I started to plan…to succeed. Why did that matter? More than touchy-feely motivation, it was instrumental in knowing how much I needed to charge, how many clients I would need to make the venture worthwhile, and where my income would fit within our greater, joint income. I know how much is too much to take on and what is not necessary or time/cost effective. We know if David’s raise will make an impact, other than just a dent in the cost of living inflation, and what kind of advancement goals are necessary to reach our goal.

How? The process of deciding what we wanted to attract, (in this case with our finances, though we’ve done it/blogged it with spirituality, food, environmental impact, etc), we broke down what we would do to then welcome that into our lives. This is different than blindly deciding one wants something and sitting around waiting for it to fall in their lap! So:

• we articulated our need (and sometimes, our want)
• we investigated what was necessary to achieve/sustain it (in this case, a dollar figure)
• we stated what we would do to bring this about (a+b=c)
• we kept our focus on the end goal

This means, if our end goal is “to be financially responsible”, we say that over and over, in the present tense. In the meantime, things around here changed a bit. Our bills became current. Then our debt was paid off. David got a raise. I got a new business. The new income is not vague: it was planned, it has a home, it meets a need. This results in wise spending, which is…being financially responsible.

The question around The Secret is “Can you have it all”. I’ve always lived with the idea that “I can have it all…just not all at once.” This means there is time to have babies and have other interests…but maybe not all at once. This means that living on one income for the sake of devoting one’s self to babies and young children can be done, even in this day and age, but it’s often not sustainable forever, but babies are not young children forever either!

I guess we have to all define what “all” is to us. I know how I answer that for myself, in light of my christianity, my responsibilty, my desires, how I was created. I beleive I can have all that God means for me have, whatever that means. And if He means for me to have it, He will give me the means to achieve it. I can deliberately seek after all that He means for me to have and I can prayerfully contemplate what that is and how I should strive to welcome it into my life.

So yes, I do believe I can “have it all” under that definition. I will seek to attract that “all” into my life. I will also seek not to thwart it’s coming through self-sabotague and negativity. When I fall, I will confess, get back up, and try again. We can call it a secret but it’s as old as time.

This post was created for the “Having It All”  blog Carnival, hosted by John Assaraf.

Netflix has a new service that we love and use often: those who are already subscribers to the mail service can watch movies right on the site. The selection is limited but for those of us with no-TV, it’s an option that skirts the delay in snail mail and offers something to watch now and then when we need a wind-down at the end of a long day.

That has led to getting a few more choices crossed off our Queue. One such option was Maxed Out. Needing a jolt in your Total Money Makover? This will do it. Dave’s on it too…a few radio listeners share their stories of the vicious role collectors and credit companies have had on their lives…in many instances all the way to death. A hard look is taken at the preferential treatment the credit card companies and banks get from the government and the horrid advantage taken of naive college students and poor people who should never be allowed the credit they get…but do because it’s that kind of customer that the credit companies make their most profit from.

Having been there/done that, I felt a sickening wave of relief at having paid off our cards. Sound ironic? Relief is supposed to feel good. But the desperate and overwhelmed feeling that the crush of debt causes is not so far away just yet…perhaps it is a bit like being held prisoner and abused, then given a reprieve, and then hearing the footsteps of the abuser walking just outside the door, feeling unsure if they are approaching or leaving.

What the movie does not delve deeply enough into, but does indeed tease at, is the overindulgence, stuff-itis medication method, and American tendancy to maintain a fascade of wealth-via-plastic that leads to credit ensnarement in the first place. Certainly lots of people get there by charging groceries, bills, and doctor’s visits (how most of our own debt came into being), but lots of others get there with lattes, movies, new clothes, manicures, and the mall (we had plenty of that too).

What I’ve learned is that poverty is a monster that does not like to let go…and there are plenty of souls out there that are comfortable with you in your impoverished state and want to keep you there, either because they profit from it or they are just plain used to you in that role and don’t want to change their perceptions and ideas. It’s true of your credit card lender, the collector, and sometimes friends and family. Credit debt is slavery of another kind and freedom is possible but it’s a clawing, digging fight out of the pit and honey, your manicured nails aren’t going to hack the journey.

They say that addicts of drugs and alchohol achieve the greatest success in getting sober when they change their friends, their hang outs, their routines, and their scenery. I think it’s the same for the enslaved debtor…you’ll need a like-minded support group, new hang outs, new entertainment, a new lifestyle, new scenery. When you finally acheive freedom, it will still be a daily fight to keep from returning and falling back. The old crowd will still send embittered messages of discouragement that ultimately stems from envy at what they can not also acheive. If they profited from your enslavement, you may also encounter anger.

One of my favorite Nina Simone songs says, “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s new life for me.” Indeed. But as Coldplay sings, “no one said it was easy…no one ever said it would be so hard.” Maxed Out makes the point well.

Below, in a post about my water reusage experiment, my friend Angela sent me a chart about this region’s water charges. That promted me to look more closely at my water and electricity bills and to do a little math….if Tia is doing math either the sky is falling or I’m preturbed to distraction and major disclaimer: my math is often wrong.

But if it’s not, we pay more than twice per unit of water than unit of electricity. Cutting back on power usage is pretty easy: you just use less of the things that plug in. Some of it is easier than others….for instance, the lightbulb switch is fairly simple, lights can be turned off during the day and appliances can be unplugged. Some would have a hard time not using their AC for as long as we do but others would have an easier time replacing a horridly-inefficient refridgerator than us.  And saving electricity (and gas) is hot in the news because of the carbon emissions/global warming stuff.

But water….I think we really take that for granted. And it strikes me today how much EASIER it is to both conserve electricity and renew the source. If coal isn’t good, there’s nuclear…and wind, the sun, and  even water. But if we run out of water???? I know deserts have experirenced this and some parts of the world with long periods of drought.  But I’m guessing our average American pretty much takes for granted that when they walk to the spigot and turn it, water (and clean water at that) will flow. Watering restrictions are often ignored or curiously arranged (neighborhoods can’t water but golf courses can?).

Well anway, of almost no matter to me right now is the “average american”….I’m staring my own wastefullness right in the face.  Our toilets guzzle huge amounts of water. That monster fridge? Not only being an energy hog it also drains about a gallon of water a day onto my floor.  I wash my dishes with running water, at full force, because I detest putting my hands into a dishpan and will procrastinate on the chore if it set up is like that. Running (hot) water with a sponge/soap dispenser, washing and rinsing at the same time, means the dishes get washed. But saving the water to reuse is pretty dang easy and saves 15 gallons a day. And, David can easily rig our drain to take the greywater out, into an enclosed barrel with a spigot. It would pay for itself quickly.

The numbers don’t seem too high…50 for water, 50 for power. Still, I’m looking at the bigger picture and not getting hung on philosophy. What can I do with my footprint to be responsible? And, our phone stuff, with cell and internet, plus the obnoxious conditions this company places on customers is over 200/month. I find that to be ridiciclous outflow of resources. I’d much rather be spending some of that “waste” on better milk for my kids or more seeds for the garden or on a date night with David.  I’d rather support a local farmer, growing what I can’t, than let all my dishwater go down the drain. I live in a place where most weeks, water falls from the sky for free. I think I’d be a fool not to learn to use it more wisely.

I don’t think Gazelle’s in nature growl, but this red-headed one does.

Dave never said step 3 would be even harder than step 2 but my fellow-TMMer over at the Monkey parade did….and honey, she was tellin’ the TRUTH.

Without debt bills coming in it was easy to allocate all that money to other stuff. Our kids needed dental work that insurance only partly covers, gas prices are soaring, and a bunch of activities we participate in kicked it up a knotch in May and June. Combine that with a bit of slack now that we don’t owe creditors, use of the debit card more than green cash, being too busy to meal plan in detail, and enjoying crab cakes, ice cream, and gettin’ a little crazy with the cell phone minutes and the nuts and bolts result is that while we are living off of what we make without debt, we are NOT SAVING, which means our TMM got a little derailed.

And I’m feelin’ frazzled, sometimes just as anxious as when we owed others and weren’t sure how we’d make it all stretch to keep ‘em all quiet. Which, in truth, is RIDICULOUS because it’s all “in house” now…we can’t blame anyone else for the choices we make and we are creating our own stress. Well, enough is enough before this gets outta hand.

I reworked our budget, ignoring my income (which will all go to savings), and taking into account a recent raise on David’s end. By they way….that is a real, vibrant red warning flag: when you get a pay raise and still feel anxious, there is something seriously wrong with your habits.  It’s all on paper and we’re going back to cash and envelopes. No debit card for awhile until we establish new habits.  Groceries are $600 a month FIRM, up $200 a month from our darkest TMM days in step 2, so I’ll not be gripin’.  That means I also sat down and made a two-week meal plan and a list for the trip this week. I’ll be talking to the co-op about making bulk orders and hopefully reduce my trip to K-town from twice a month to once.

The good news: the great weather, cooling rains, and the little valley our house is tucked in means we still haven’t turned on our AC! Our power bill is right at $50 a month and I could still do a little here and there to painless bring it down. I’m getting Gazelle Intense with that cell phone too; it’s our only phone communication but we always go over our minutes due to the aburdly limiting plan we’re locked into. I can do better with it and bring that bill down.

Reality Check is in place. This is the first day of the rest of my life LOL…the day after my birthday. I want step 3 conquered by this time next year.

We did it a year ago for money reasons… she did it for time and money. Cutting the expense of cable, dish, or what-have-you is a great way to inject more time into your day and more money into your budget. It’s one more way to take a step back from the herd and think about what we do and why. I’m always a little stunned when I’m reminded that the “great” people of our time, the really accomplished and success stories almost never watch TV at all, let alone as many stations as cable provides. So here’s to you today Sarah at Ordinary Days…may this one be extraordinary!

I think I mentioned awhile back that we’d be featured in Dave Ramsey’s subcriber Newsletter, The Gazelle Gazette. The issue came out yesterday! Here’s the interview!

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When you live with a purpose, when you live deliberately … you can do great things. Dave talks about the focus and determination to become debt-free, but unless you live with the purpose of getting out of debt, then even the best advice won’t work. That’s what Tia and David and their four children have done for the past 22 months … lived with a purpose.What makes the story of the “Six Redheads” so special? The fact that Tia and David, while raising four children, paid off $14,000 in 22 months on a salary that started with $25,000! THAT’S living with purpose!

We got the chance to talk with Tia and David recently:

So, Tia and David, you and your family are finally debt-free! How did you guys do it?

Tia: For the first six months of our makeover, we just learned to live without adding to our credit, and then we shifted into “work gear”. We also raised our income, which was unexpectedly low due to some company issues. Even doubled, with our family size, the income isn’t that high. I really want it to be known that we paid off this debt on a low income. It’s possible to do it. There are so many people that are on lower incomes in this country; they just don’t think that they can do this, but they can! You teachers, military personnel, families with a stay-at-home mom, you can do this! Break out of the lie that says you have to have credit in order to live a good life! You just have be gazelle-intense in working at it.

David: It’s those that are on a lower income that will feel the most freedom from getting rid of their debt; with it, their dreams are arrested.

How were you guys able to stretch your money like that?

Tia: The most effective place to save money is in the grocery budget. Make a meal plan for your week, shop with a list, and don’t buy processed or convenience foods. Feeling physically well will really help you stay focused and work hard! Make your food yourself and learn how to cook. We lived on $400/month food money for six people for 10 months. Don’t buy soda, chips, or fast food. Eat whole foods, which are healthier anyway. Hang your clothes up to dry them instead of using a dryer; that will lower your electric bill. Changing to compact fluorescent bulbs also has a hefty impact on your bill. It’s a lot of work to drive down your bills but you’ll feel like you got a raise in pay!

David: we got over our shame with our status as low income earners and allowed ourselves to be blessed with things like hand-me-downs. Our standards were simple and we didn’t go shopping very much. But that is what staying fixed on a goal is about; you keep your eye on the prize and change your status!

What led you guys to use credit and debt in the first place?

Tia: Our daughter died 8 years ago and wanted to get away from the pain. We didn’t want to say “no” to ourselves on anything, didn’t want to sacrifice or feel a pinch, and started using credit. We charged anything that would feel hard if we did without. It was bondage in more ways than one. It really helped us when we learned that we didn’t have to live in the cycle of debt anymore. Ultimately we are free AND healing.

How did you start the process of getting out of debt?

Tia: We started our plan before we ever heard of Dave. We lived in Florida and were in over our heads in debt; so was everyone in our neighborhood. In July 2005 we moved to Tennessee and lived in a two-bedroom apartment with four children for 6 months. God really blessed us and we are so glad we ended up here because all of the people around us are on Dave’s plan! We have a support group that I know not everyone has but is really an important part of the makeover. We just recently went back to our old neighborhood in Florida to visit … three of our neighbors there had declared bankruptcy and are about to do it again!

We thought when we started this that we had to live one income. Doing things like getting another job were ways we had not pushed ourselves in the past, but we were ready to now. David is in customer service management and I’m a commissioned painter, and I also started a web blogging business. David also started working at UPS and picked up a second and third shift. We learned to sacrifice, sold stuff and live on a budget. Moving into an affordable home freed up some money in our budget. Listening to Dave gave us constant hope. Now we have a plan and we know exactly where our money is going.

When you’re have low income and do a total money makeover, sometimes you have to take steps backwards to take steps forwards. Making certain moves like moving into a cheaper apartment enabled and empowered our budget. The key is … IT’S NOT FOREVER! So this harder work is temporary but very necessary. Now that we’re debt-free, even though we don’t have piles of money yet, the money we bring home is ours.

How old are your children and how has it been to do this process with them?

Tia: We’re all a team and we do everything together, including listening to Dave’s show! They are an important part of this makeover and we work together. Our kids are ages 11, 9, 6 and 2. They have their own budgets and envelope systems. They save for things and we bring them home treats every so often to keep them fired up. If they’re saving up and want to buy something that they can’t afford just yet, we don’t even say “We can’t afford that” anymore to them. We just tell them that they can buy it later if they can’t afford it now.

David: The end result has been that our children openly criticize the credit card offers that come in the mail, they pick up on the fine print in commercials, they comment on the pervasive messages that people need to borrow money … at these tender ages their opinions have been formed against credit cards!

Do you have any more advice for people out there who are trying to become debt-free?

Tia: When you’re on the first few Baby Steps, don’t think about the later ones. Just think about the Baby Step you’re on and don’t overwhelm yourself. The plan tells you where you need to be, so if you are not there, don’t think about it.

David: If you’re married, try to be on the same page. Also, getting out of debt means not feeling trapped anymore. You are going to fall down … life is a series of falling down and getting up. This is about getting up and staying up longer than you ever have before.

Tia: Dave says he did stupid with zeros at the end. I’ve said over and over how thankful I am that he got up and was willing to share it with the world in a loud way. I doubt he realized he’d change more lives than just his in doing so but we are where we are today in part because of his willingness to get back up. I’m writing a book all about it called Low Income is Better Than Owed: How One Family Decided to Live Deliberately and Became Debt-Free! Thank you Dave Ramsey!

I’ve not gotten to my own post on our party yet obviously ;-), but here are two other bloggers that wrote about it yesterday:

Sarah’s Smallworld

and

Living Rich.

Also, we’d like to ask our readers to please remember us in your thoughts and prayers as we face a situation requiring wisdom, forebearance, and courage. Thanks.

Those crazy Monkeys had this hilarious video today…