Living-Deliberately.com

About a week ago a few factors converged that created the serendipitous opportunity to do more than just throw together dinner on the cheap for 8, and instead revel in the process of creating. Sometimes I hug through food, or use it to say “thank you” when words aren’t enough. Choosing to simmer sauce all day, when they could have been fed with a jar of Prego instead, is an example of that. Last week, we had a friend for dinner, there was a remembered flavor enjoyed (but no firm recipe to use), and an empty afternoon due to tech lock down. Rather than scream at my hard drive, I decided to work in the kitchen, and to slow down and do every step as thoroughly as possible.  Here’s the story:

“Hello my beautiful vegetables!” The flavor memory was a dish at church, had a few weeks ago, for Beef Marsala. I did some hunting online for something similar, put 2 or 3 recipes together, and added a few ideas.

I got started by doing a “rough chop”. I knew these were going to cook down significantly and still wanted something to chew. So they aren’t juianned. Red and green pepper, onion, zuchinni, and…

eggplant, heavily salted first, to draw out the moisture. Later, rinsed clean, brushed with olive oil, and put into the oven to roast.

After the eggplant was salted, I decided to add desert. The Ghiradeli package has a recipe for “One Bowl Devil’s Food Cake” that I decided to make into cupcakes. How fresh are those eggs?

They were laid by Laverne and the Girls, less than an hour before.

I’m a white-cupcake-paper purist.

“Yeah, it was all yellow….”. Do you think that color is naturally attainable without real butter and fresh, farm eggs? I don’t! Here’s a tip: skip the big mixer and do it by hand. You’ll burn enough calories to not have to worry about the cupcake later!

Can any Willy Wonka fan open a chocolate bar without tearing the gold slowly and hearing the song???

I loved how light and airy this batter was getting with the whisk. Good sign for light cupcakes to come!

Eggplant roasted golden. Then set aside to wait.

I wanted a little bacon flavor without cooking in a lot of the fat. So I just wiped the pan out from bacon earlier in the morning and used a thick coating of it in the pan for the next step.

My default breading recipe is quarter cornmeal, quarter bread crumbs, half flour, garlic salt, pepper, and a little baking powder.

The top round chunks were tossed in the breading and browned in olive oil. I added more oil as needed because I was doing small batches of a LOT of meat.

I love this jelly roll tray for cooking for a big crowd; it’s incredibly versatile. I lightly brushed the pan with oil first.

Oy! My little veggies, you are next.

And then the baby bellas…

Topped with the eggplant and then about 2 cups of Marsala, some Worchestershire, misc. herbs chopped up, and red pepper flakes.

Cupcakes came out just in time. Those cooling racks were made by my Dad about 30 years ago and they’re my favorite.

Buttery frosting recipe from the back of the Hershey’s can, likewise hand whisked.

oui, oui….cupcake pin ups. Entices me. You?

I baked the beef mixture under foil in the oven for about an hour, adding a little flour roux at the end to thicken the sauce. Two bags of egg noodles later, a big toss, the servings went on plates with a fruity salad and thick wedges of bread.

We almost ate dessert first.

******

Outcome: Happy family. Recipe a bit too spicy: less red pepper next time, a bit more worchestershire and marsala. Cupcake nirvana.

~ Onward

A friend of mine sent me a link to an article today, written by Susan J. Elliot, who writes a blog called Getting Past Your Past. I just subscribed; she’s got a lot of great stuff on there. This article reminded me of a frequent thing I used to hear… “You are SO defensive!” I remember thinking at the time that I knew I was and wondered why he didn’t see anything wrong with that. As in, “Why does she always feel like she has to defend herself? Could I be doing anything offensive to make her feel that way?” The cycle of trying something new in hopes of pleasing him, only to find that it didn’t, and neither did anything else, and that the very effort seemed to anger him, was nearly non-stop.  One begins to feel like they live in a different world from everyone else, some kind of wonky other dimension, where the biggest problems are that you left a door open he thought you should have closed or that you sat in talked to him instead of cleaning the kitchen or you cleaned the kitchen instead of sitting and talking to him.  She says it better than I can; here’s the quote:

The thing is that you become so CONSUMED with trying to convince the abuser that you are not whatever way, you overlook the fact that he or she is a psycho. That’s part of the dance.

It’s very very wearing. You become driven to prove to this person that you are a good and gentle and loving person who would never think or do anything of the sort. Your life becomes one on the defense so you never get to jump over to the offense and wonder what the hell he or she is doing. It’s all about you and how IF ONLY you were less or more or taller or shorter or older or younger or cleaner or neater or thrifty or friendly or not shy or want so much or expect so much or look in the direction of others or not do this or more do more or that or born on a Tuesday or cranky when it’s raining or moody or perturbed or WHATEVER excuse explains why you are abused or criticized or not cared about.

It makes as much sense as saying, “How can I care about someone who wears yellow on Tuesdays? I’m sorry but I can’t.”

But those are the messages and the CRAZINESS of the messages that we receive. I’m sorry oh-unworthy-one, but it’s your fault I act like a complete and utter crazy person. It’s not me, it was that wearing-yellow-on-Tuesday thing you do…I mean who can live with that? If you just straightened up and wore the appropriate colors, I would not be such an insane person.

And we buy it. We run around and eradicate all the yellow from our lives. And next Tuesday we wear pink but that’s wrong too and then black and purple and blue and orange and they’re all wrong too and then the day comes when the abuser says, “You’re so stupid you don’t even wear yellow on Tuesdays.” WHAT? Wait, I thought yellow on Tuesdays was bad. It’s not? Oh let me run right out and get some yellow. There must be something wrong with my hearing or something wrong with my head. So you put the yellow back. And of course it’s “I TOLD YOU that yellow on Tuesdays is NEVER appropriate!!! You just do this to make me miserable!!!”
And so it goes….

Here’s the whole post….

Another brilliant TED talk. This one by Elizabeth Gilbert who presents a different way to view creative genius, the power of doing our part, and the very possible mental salvation it could provide. I needed this today, a day that began dark and deep, where I doubted how much longer I can continue to keep on “showing up”,  yet uncertain how I could ever stop the compulsive creative process and resign to beige stagnancy.  In 20 minutes of listening to someone not only fully “get” that but also provide another way to consider it, I found inspiration enough to continue to plod along. Perhaps you will too.

• that getting “back on your feet” involves falling down a lot. It takes a lot of time. And it will most certainly involve gifts and support from friends and family, a swallowing of any and all pride, and debt. I don’t know anyone who’s done it without those three things and it appears I’m not any different.
• that not having medical insurance is something healthy people can deal with if you’re very, very careful and one’s body does not start doing weird things like bleeding in between periods. Then, contrary to most of womanhood, one actually WANTS to go see their gyn and realizes they can’t possibly. They don’t have one and anyway, anything that could be wrong is going to cost way too much to fix. This is a poverty of mindset that has no platitude repair.
• that times goes quickly. Very quickly. I keep thinking that just over the next hill it’s going to slow down and it never does.
• that time especially goes quickly at night. When sleep is involved. In fact, I think the clock tries to race to dawn because it’s scared of the dark.
• that somedays, Facebook is more fun than blogging. And that social media networking is going to impact the world in big ways.
• that closed doors are, in fact, directional signs along the maze. It really does no good to stand and argue with a brick wall.  It is interesting to me that a meditative labyrinth resembles a maze, and that when one is frustrated within a series of brick walls, the option is always available to sit in the middle and breathe calming thoughts.
• That children WILL be taken seriously. If not now, then later.
• that boundaries are beautiful but so is boundless love.
• that Lent is coming and I am glad.
• that rest is the sign of success to me. Not wealth or material gain. Not accomplishment. The freedom and ability to rest, needs met, family happy, is what I hunger for. That, and the ability to toss the alarm clock forever into the nearest lake.

• It’s a beautiful day. Sunny. Cold. Excitement in the air and all of it positive. It would take something as big as Obama being sworn in after a Civil Rights memorial day to overshadow the negativity on the planet. That’s one way hope whispers…the bad doesn’t go away but the good just speaks louder.
• I’m wondering how my writer friend Warren gets away with  slightly cynical, hilarious wit and how it even enhances his “moody writer” mystique…when the same attitude on a woman would just make her sound embittered. And mostly, how I can’t wait to see his cookbook because he’s a bit of a legend in the kitchen ’round these parts.
• Do you say, “historic” with an “h” sound or not? Is it “an istoric” day or is it “an Historic” day?
• are feelings an original source or are they reactions to thoughts? The answer affects everything, I think.
• It’s interesting to me how the admonition, “first take the log out of your own eye” can play into legal situations. If one is in violation themselves, why would they do *anything* that would take them before a judge? Do they not think that’s going to come up? At least the invitation to share was made for me and saved me the initiation of the paperwork. Responding is easier than Petitioning.
• A commercial just said, “Your debt is not your fault”. That’s right up there with being forced to smoke, drink, or eat into excess. We’re all just victims right? Puhleez. I’ve charged my share of groceries but no one held a gun to me to do it. Unless it’s identity theft, who’s fault would it be?
• Back to the inauguration…Historic or Istoric, I wanna watch.

I had an eye exam today. Just time for my contact rx renewal and since my eyes seem to be worse lately, I wanted to ask about that too. Oh, and Sunday I got poked in the eye with a Christmas tree branch so there was that. My left eye was itchy and my right eye sort of burning but my lenses were a little old and I just figured….

Well that doctor kept hemming and hawing when she was checking my eyes. Then she was puzzled that my rx seemed so far off how badly I was actually seeing. She fliped my eye lid inside out and looked really close.

She asked, “What kind of lens solution are you using?”

Me: “Store brand…or Renu”.

Her: “Interesting.  What lenses?”

Me: “Acuview…the kind you wear for two weeks and throw away, only I store mine at night.”

Her: “The FDA doesn’t recommend that. How come you don’t wear glasses?”

Me: “I feel like I’m hiding behind them. Walt Disney agrees and wouldn’t let employees where sunglasses, or so I’ve heard. ”

Her: “Yes well. Renu and store brand are actually the same solution and we’re having problems with them. Also, your lenses. People don’t like them so much anymore. They get gunky fast. You should think about glasses.”

Me: “Yah..sometimes I clean them mid-day to clean the stickies. But I’m not wearing glasses.”

Her: “Your eyes are telling us things.”

Me: “What are they saying?”

Her: “They’re saying that you really need glasses and to not wear contacts so much.”

Me: “Couldn’t they also be telling me to change my lenses and solution brand?”

Her: “Yeah, there’s that. You have a double corneal infection. That’s why you see like crap right now.”

Me: “Oh”

At this point I was about to get hivey thinking about wearing grody old glasses again, with those slimy nosepads and the headaches they give me from sitting on my nose. And I was calculating cost because I’m uninsured and my eyes are two different prescriptions, requiring two boxes each time. And then she said,

“I’m not giving you medicine yet. Try these new lenses for a week and this new solution and we’ll check you in 7 days.”

So America, that’s a little creepy. A brand of lenses, which is a pharmaceutical product, is actually causing infections that can lead to damaged vision. A brand of solution is helping it right along…apparently the problem is that it doesn’t “disinfect” like it promises to. Did anyone know about this? I get my eyes checked annually and no one said a word. I’m pretty informed and never heard a product recall. The company filling my rx never notified me.  Something wrong about that in America????

I’ll get back up glasses I guess, not that anyone will see me in them.  And I guess I’ll start listening the next time my eyes “talk”.

Okay, so it’s taken me a few weeks into 2009 but I have finally put my finger on what has been behind the increasing lethargic expression, and not only was the answer a surprise to even moi, but it was a difficult truth to face and then decide how in the heck to handle.

So I guess I first have to back up a little. Way back in the day, the middle of 2005 I guess, I started blogging during a major change in my life: a sudden, interstate move from a cozy surburban house to a tiny, edge-of-town apartment, with four children crammed into two bedrooms, in the hopes that we were on our way to financial freedom and eventually a country, independent lifestyle.  Blogging became a way for me to express thoughts, the journey, ideas, etc. But it also quickly revealed itself for a way for me to push myself towards greater authenticity and honesty, and beyond my comfort zone into a rapidly growing bigger world that I had been isolated from (both intentionally and not). More than a journal, many days it became a mirror. I began to see my life from another viewpoint…that of reader, observer, loyal traffic and random search hit.

Seeing one’s reflection in a mirror can be a dicey thing. Often we see what we want to see. Sometimes we see a distortion. And every now and then, we get a full-on honest reflection that we know isn’t manipulated by creative lighting. It was out of such an image one day that the question above was born, “What if you wanted to change your life?”. I did. And I began to do so. And I wrote about it. And now it’s done.

As I neared 2009, I got angsty. You can see it in my posts through the fall…goals set for posts that never came to be. Ideas mentioned, arguements made…but it was becoming self evident that the person I was trying to convince the most was myself. Always before I’ve been excited about the close of one year and the beginning of the next. I almost like the freshness of January more than the festivities of December. Almost. This year, I mostly wanted to hibernate. I took some unplugged time off for the third year in a road: smart move. But I didn’t want to wake back up! I went through a few motions…lemons, cleaning, garden bed prep. I knew something was nagging.

The questions began: Do I start a new site, a fresh site? Does this one just have too much baggage? Archives full of hope, experience, effort, failure, and struggle? Should a new one be anonymous so that I can openly write and process more of what my life is like, authentically and holistically? But then, how authentic is that if I can’t use my name? After my ex has taken so much of my life, my years, my vitality, my experience, should I allow my website and expression to be supressed as well? How many days in a row can I feel the urgent draw to purge thoughts, recipes, dreams, etc and squelch it because of some hesitation to come here and be open? What is the personal expense in turning the lights out and shutting down, even if I focus on something else?

Questions like that kind of trigger a gamut of emotions. Anger at potential loss, frustration, apathy, curiosity, freedom. But what I kept coming back to are the two domain names: sixredheads.com and living-deliberately.com. Both point here, both are the essence of the site. Even divorced from my redheaded ex, I’m still “sixredheads”…I am redheaded and I’ve birthed five redheaded children. And I still feel to my core the desire to “live deliberately”. I like living on purpose. Finding sacrament in the little corners of life. Eating what God grew, cooking the slow way, noticing in the moon, loving people for the truth of who they are, trying new things.

That chunk of archives is true too. It represents stones on the path, the fabric that has made me who I am today. I don’t regret the vast majority if life choices. That was a Clara Lesson. I knew I was better for having had the chance to have, love, and lose my daughter than if I’d not had her at all. I’m glad I got married, I’m glad I had my babies, I’m glad I learned all the things I learned to do. I’m still sad that all that effort, blood, sweat, and tears couldn’t make the ideal happen. But that also is a Clara Lesson: accept the truth of What Is and move forward wiser.

In my business, which is designing/maintaining/coaching blogs for professionals, I do annual updates in January and February. Shiny new versions of wordpress, tweaked templates, new product placement, etc. My own site gets the end of the list. But since it’s officially “that time of year” I started to rethink that.  And then the other day I was driving over Jacksonville’s longest bridge, glancing between traffic and that ancient river, resplendent sky, and distant sailboat race and it hit me:

What I really want to do is stop asking that question, “What if I wanted to change my life?”

Because, doggonit, I have. In 2007 I paid off a wad of debt and learned how to live honestly on a small income. I started a business, ultimately increasing that income. Set goals and made them. And then, the biggest change of all, admitted to the truth of an abusive, toxic relationship and got myself and my children out of it. That’s where the true climb began…therapy for all, shedding of denial, struggle as danger and breakdown followed in the tumult. A fight for emotional health, physical strength, stable and consistent days sans drama began and for the first time, gained ground. 2008 was about Seeds of Change.

In 2009 I don’t want to change my life. I want to sustain what I have and grow it into something more. That is where my delilberateness comes into play: maintenance and nurture. And the question I ask myself now is, “How do I feed contentment?”. Or maybe, “How does your garden grow?”

Now I want to water, illuminate, and protect those tender plants from the freezing temperatures of bitterness and anger, from the drought of despair, the winds of anxiety, the glut of chemical poisons, the over-fertilization of materialism, the glare of criticism and judgment, the darkness of confusion. I want to nurture This Organic Life with gentleness, health, calmness, purity… a natural environment that builds strength and health, vibrancy, wisdom, and deep roots of perseverance. No transplanting unless necessary, and a maybe an end to container gardening. Maybe vary the diet a bit, both edible and cerebral.

That’s the goal for 2009: make stronger what is the same. How that fits into this site is still a different issue. I’m going to freshen the place up a bit. Share what I’m up to. But I’m still somewhat limited. I can’t (and maybe that’s not all a bad thing) share holistically why life is so fantastic, and how. I’m not sure I’ve come a place of peace about that, not sure any writer can, but it’s worth more exploring. Until I get some momentum on the external changes, I’m going to just blog as I feel it…”what am I doing today” kind of stuff. Maybe like pieces on a quilt it will all become evident. And maybe I like the mystery of that.

For now, here’s a bit of levity. I like a wide variety of music and I love videos. Britney Spears recently came out with a grindy dance hit called, “Womanizer”. I read Entertainment Weekly and they listed a few cover spoofs others have done. I headed to youtube.com to check them out. Lilly Allen has a cute brit version but the best was the All-American Rejects doing a whimpery, accordion/beer bottle redneck/skinny rocker boy slant. Not since Alanis did Fergie’s “My Humps” have I laughed so hard at a video. Check it out. Does anyone know if the Grammy CD has been released yet? I think I’ll look and see today.

As discovered on Beth’s blog.

01. Start your own blog — Yes, and about 21 others
02. Sleep under the stars — Yes
03. Play in a band — No, unless church orchestra counts
04. Visit Hawaii — No
05. Watch a meteor shower — Yes
06. Give more than you can afford to charity — No
07. Go to Disneyworld — Yes; favorite commercial destination ever. Clean and well done manufactured fun!
08. Climb a mountain — No. I’ve been ON some big ones skiing or hiking, but not actually climbing a mountain (Taking Beth’s answer, since mine’s a ditto)
09. Hold a praying mantis — Ick, no
10. Sing a solo — No, didn’t sing…but played in a flute ensemble
11. Bungee jump — Not that friggin’ crazy
12. Visit Paris — only in a very nice dream
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea — no
14. Teach yourself an art technique — Yes
15. Adopt a child — No, but almost did
16. Eat sushi — as often as possible
17. Walk to the top of the Statue of Liberty — No, fainted at the base of heat exhaustion in the city
18. Grow your own vegetables — Yes
19. See the Mona Lisa in France — no
20. Sleep on an overnight train — no
21. Have a pillow fight — Yes
22. Hitch hike — see bungee jump answer
23. Look at the rings of Saturn through a telescope — Yes
24. Build a snow fort — of the most killer kind; fully developed igloos in northern michigan snow
25. Hold a lamb — does a goat count?
26. Climb to the top of a lighthouse — Yes
27. Run a Marathon — No
28. Ride in a gondola in Venice — No but I like  an Italian restaurant called the Gondolier
29. See a total eclipse — Yes but aren’t you not supposed to look at those????
30. Watch a sunrise or sunset — Yes
31. Hit a home run — Not even kinda
32. Go on a cruise — no
33. See Niagara Falls in person — No
34. Visit the birthplace of your ancestors — No. Can’t get past the smell of luquevist (sp?)
35. Visit an Amish community — do mean Mennonites count?
36. Teach yourself a new language — Not for lack of trying
37. Have enough money to be truly satisfied — Yes
38. See the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person –no
39. Go rock climbing — no
40. See Michelangelo’s David — no
41. Sing karaoke in public — No and your ears should thank me
42. See Old Faithful geyser erupt in person — No
43. Buy a stranger a meal at a restaurant — Yes
44. Visit Africa — No
45. Walk on a beach by moonlight — Yes
46. Ride in a helicopter — No
47. Have your portrait painted — No, but I’ve painted the portraits of others! (again, a Beth ditto)
48. Go deep sea fishing — No
49. See the Sistine Chapel in person — No
50. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris — No
51. Go scuba diving or snorkeling — No
52. Kiss in the rain — Yes
53. Play in the mud — Yah.
54. Watch a movie at a drive-in theater — Yes
55. Be in a movie — No
56. Visit the Great Wall of China — No
57. Start a business — Yes
58. Take a martial arts class — Not yet, but soon.
59. Visit Russia — No
60. Serve meals at a soup kitchen — No
61. Sell Girl Scout cookies — Yes
62. Go whale watching — No
63. Get or send flowers for no reason — Yes
64. Donate blood, platelets or plasma — Yes
65. Go sky diving — No
66. Visit a Nazi Concentration Camp — No.
67. Adopt a pet from a rescue shelter — Yes
68. Pilot an airplane — No
69. Save a favorite childhood toy — Yes
70. Visit the Lincoln Memorial — Yes
71. Eat Caviar — Yes
72. Make a quilt — Yes
73. Stand in Times Square — Yes
74. Tour the Everglades — well kinda. The ones we see in our Florida landscape. Not really a “tour”
75. Visit the Viet Nam Memorial — Yes
76. See the Changing of the Guard in London — No
77. Drive a race car — No
78. Ride on a speeding motorcycle — See bungee answer
79. See the Grand Canyon in person — No
80. Publish a book — No
81. Visit the Vatican — No
82. Buy a brand new car — Yes but it wasn’t in my name. Ladies, don’t make the same mistake!
83. Walk in Jerusalem — No
84. Have your picture in the newspaper — Yes
85. Read the entire Bible — No
86. Visit the White House — Yes
87. Kill and prepare an animal for eating — Yes, blogged it here somewhere. My rooster, Hercules.
88. Hike the Appalachian Trail — parts of it
89. Save someone’s life — no
90. Sit on a jury — No
91. Meet someone famous — not that I’m aware of
92. Join a book club –Yes
93. Own an iPod — Yes
94. Have a Facebook page — Yes
95. See the Alamo in person — No
96. Swim in the Great Salt Lake — no
97. Cross country snow ski — Yes
98. Hold a snake — see bungee answer
99. See DaVinci’s Starry Night in person — Yes. Well I saw Van Gogh’s Starry Night. I don’t think I’ve heard of DaVinci’s Starry Night! (gotta love Beth’s answer
100. Read an entire book in one day — Yes

What I learned from this was that my friend Beth is much, much better traveled than I! But I kinda already knew that….

Photos chosen for best encapsulating what each month represents for me. Notes as follow.

January 2008

Snow babies, all of them. Many continued thanks to the loved ones who sheltered us in the storm and let our shocked selves heal enough for the next leg of the journey.

February 2008

Warm days in winter, help standing, light coming.

March 2008

Waiting, thinking, absorbing. March was a long month.

April 2008

Two births: Samuel and the return of Hope. A new day was dawning.

May 2008

Welcome back. Restoration and Redemption began.

June 2008

Life on a different side of the world, in many ways. It was a good birthday.

July 2008

Calmness and Stability, deep Peace. Water birth.

August 2008

August held so much… New York City, love, sand and surf. But nothing was as encapuslating as the kids starting public school for the first time, the end of our years of homeschooling.

September 2008

The days of last year were like an ever-widening circle, each one making my world bigger.

October 2008

The culmination of so much, and the anniversary of something else. Beauty for ashes.

November 2008

My Grandma moved to Michigan, we had two birthdays, and a big family Thanksgiving. The rich tapestry of blessing was making itself known.

December 2008

My Beauties, the faces of consistency, peace, stablity, and love.  Merry Christmas!

January 2009: A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Life (said better by Ms. Nina Simone, sigh)

:Yawns:

I’m not running headlong into a new year at all. 2008 was phenomenal and ended on the most peaceful, relaxing note I’ve ever experienced. Drama free, zero arguing, lots of love and smiles and rest. We had a blast of a New Year’s Party (pun intended) and 5 days later I’m ambivalent about plunging into work tasks and normative routines, reluctant to articulate goals and strategies.

Ambivalence is a luxury for the young and irresponsible though ;-). Onward I go and the task list is becoming hash marks and accomplishment. No big post on New Year excitement…what I crave is yellow lemons and white dishes and decorations newly packed in organized bins. A sweaty work out. 3 pounds lost. Closure.

Maybe those things will happen, along with the to-do lists for three occupations. For now, I’ve got a few post ideas. I can recommend two good movies (The Reader and The Tale of Despereaux), one for kids and one definitely not. I just read a fantastic book, Revolutionary Road. My favorite Christmas gifts included blank canvas for new paintings and an Orthodox Study Bible, both of which pretty much call my name daily. I’m excited about food again and the Herb Crusted Prime Rib with Gorgonzola Sauce I made for the holidays was part of that. I’m working on what I want to do and be in the next 12… and it seems that I want first is to be a listener. Listening means I hush, which doesn’t lead to much writing. It certainly means I hestitate to plunge back into the clammor of a busy year. The Collective seems to agree, if the phone and inbox are any indicator. I’ll use the quiet time wisely, knowing it never lasts.

Onward.

Happy Holidays everyone! My gift to myself is to take the last two weeks of the year and unplug as much as possible.  This is as much to rest as it is to give myself more to my family, explore other creativity, and to combat the blues that can sometimes come from the stresses of the year. I’m looking forward to a scrubbed-clean January, with all the white freshness and lemon scent it always has; days of new goals and a refreshed spirit.

I hope you all have a blessed end to 2008.

Onward~ Tia

This morning when the alarm went off I was in the midst of a heavy dream. An old woman was sitting across from me. She had long white hair to her waist that was windblown and she was telling me the flip side of things. I had in my hand snapshots of days and she was telling me what was going on in the periphery of each one, the part I couldn’t see. I saw my life, my set of circumstances, as glimpses, and she made them round and full. It was dawning on me that in each one, my knowledge of the truth of things was smaller than I’d thought, and the revelation was increasingly disorienting. When the alarm did sound, and I opened my eyes, I spent several minutes trying to sift through what day it is, what I needed to get up and do, who is really in my life and who is not.

It’s a strange way to wake.

Later, on the treadmill, I made a mental list of what is really mine. For the most part, they are intangibles. Memories, decisions, thoughts, dreams, loves, losses, healed wounds, choices…these are the things that are our own. No one else can take them if we want badly enough to hold on to them. Disaster can strike, I can lose everything, and if I live, I still hold onto what’s inside. I was thinking about how tangibles become weapons during a struggle, and the prize is the intangible.  In wars through history, tangibles (house, belongings, money) are taken in order to break a people, in hopes of gaining their behavior, belief, dependence, etc.

External struggles aside, I can choose who controls or accesses what’s inside. It seems what is most necessary is perseverance, endurance. We practice this as little children. Any mother who’s in tune with her kids knows when they may be sitting on the outside but inside, they’re really standing up. As we grow, we learn when to capitulate to an external force and when it’s okay to assert our will. When the surrounding force is oppressive, what happens is that there is never a time when it’s okay to express self. Uniformity, conformity, is all there is. The battle is for the heart and mind. They will take it any way they have to, and dead or alive generally does not matter, as long as they remain in control. I think we see this on both a large and small scale in our world, in everything to warring nations to domestic violence and child abuse.

But what is inside is our own. Our own to hold, our own to give (or not). Our voice is ours. What we choose to focus on is ours too. At the moment I have heaps of negativity in my life. Lots is wrong, which is probably what is behind disturbing dreams and heavy sleep. But that is only one glipse of the circumstance. There is also heaps of positivity, some in the periphery of the snapshot and some in the center focus. This list of positive things is not for sale, not for the taking. I embrace it, I fight for it, I choose to focus on it, I choose to give it power. In my quest to live a deliberate life, I may not be taking steps forward right now. But I *am* standing fixed, both feet planted. Rock crushes scissors right? The wolf couldn’t blow down the house of brick? A garden full of strong, green things will not fall prey to weeds, even the persistant ones.

I choose to keep my essentials. My intangibles. My sacred. While I wait out this storm I choose to be calm, I choose to be strong. I choose to put my hands and my energy to good work.  I choose to put my mind on good thoughts. I choose to love and I choose to live. I have no idea how things will end up.  Sometimes everything does not work out okay and bad things come to pass. But in the scope of eternity, our spirits will soar past moments in time, circumstances in our small span of years. There is a bigger picture here than we see and that is where our faith comes in. “The evidence of things unseen”. And if a day is a microcosm of a life, I add a good one to the mix, on purpose, because I can.

Good things today:

• we woke up on time
• school is going well
• great friends
• leftover steak for breakfast, with waffles
• a strong work out
• pretty school pictures
• chickens happily pecking and exploring in the yard
• playful kittens romping on the arbor
• funny blog posts
• Christmas music in the background
• work to do
• a stocked fridge
• people who see
• ample sources of advice
• good lawyers
• kayaks and the peace of water
• friendship and love
• progress on projects and the memories it creates
• secret Christmas projects and the fun anticipation of surprise
• expanding families
• warm veggie soup for dinner tonight
• cooperative children
• insurance coming through
• the ocean
• teamwork
• an awesome support group
• cell phones, text messages, facebook, linkedin, twitter…I love our techno age
• for every crazy person on the planet, there are more who are rational and healthy
• post-it notes, my personal favorite for organizing
• weekend plans
• ideas for paintings and stories and creativity

What are good things in your day today?

Okay, so here’s the deal: I was going to spend November writing about “What’s Right”, December articulating what needs to change, and January preparing to implement. And in the last month I did indeed do lots of thinking about What’s Right. Somewhere between my brain and my fingers there was a sludgy disconnect and paralysis; I couldn’t seem to drag myself over here to get the thoughts written. I kept adding it to “my list”, thinking the posts over while I drove or stirred beans or scrubbed behind the toilet. And then I’d get up and head outside to check the mail or to Facebook to play or basically do anything but sit down and wax verbose about what is “right”.

The procrastination is not because there’s nothing to write about. Nope. There’s plenty. In this very fast year there were LOTS of things that went right, and more lastingly, things that are so right that I want them to stay just the way they are into the future.  Things like friendships, which I did manage to post about, and others that I did not. Art, and the pursuit of creative expression, whether or not my efforts are ever seen by another human eye. Music: the sublime exploration that is broad and free. My children are healthy and happy and doing well in this transition we call “Going To School”. My family and I have a pretty decent routine hammered out, having survived the biggest challenges of an adult child moving back in with her four hungry and loud babies. Food is beautiful; there is simple abundance and a joy of cooking that has returned after the shock and trauma of 2007. My health is good, my body strong, my hair the length that I like and my clothes fit my frame the way that I want. My faith has deepened, both privately and publicly….I’m regularly at my wonderful church, my prayer corner is a place of peace, and I’m learning about the saints daily. Somewhere over this span of days a little seed called “hope” took root and grew and is restored: I do hope for our future, for love, for joy, for a simple life. And speaking of love, that’s in my life too, but I’m not going to blog about it.

Less rosy is the ample list of what needs to change. This one is a glaring part of every day, challenges that line up and drive me to rub my temples and ask for miracles and force me to get up when the alarm goes off at o’dark thirty. In my own footprint on the planet, there’s enough turmoil to fill a book; one that I refuse to sit down and write because it’d be depressing. A synopsis is enough: I’m broke, my ex hasn’t paid child support in any sincere fashion all year and not at all in months, business goes up and down, my children have ongoing trauma from said ex and his incessant insistence on what he wants rather than what is best for them, my vehicle is on the brink, my family sometimes reels from the impact of absorbing 5 additional members, my belongings are all in storage, there’s a house I can neither sell nor live in, a mortgage company that stole my money, a son with a medical condition but no insurance, and honestly, for most of this stuff…no end in sight. I have goals I want to meet that the above may prohibit…it’s hard to buy Tri equipment or learn a new skill without funds, harder still to devote time to personal things when stretched so thin.

That’s just me and my world. Turning on the TV in the mornings is almost catastrophic: no news is ever good…falling stocks, uncertain times, watered down baby formula, bombings everywhere, murder rampages, a scared American people trying to adjust to life without credit. Everything seems to have a tinge of soot around the edges, worn, tired, and weary.

And that brings me to what else December is, far and beyond my little self-created season for evaluation: it’s Christmas. For most of this year I’ve looked forward to the holidays. The gradual and definite upswing through the year suggested a very happy season at the end, with a return to the candy canes, tunes, decorations, and festivities I embraced before Puritanism greyed our winters and sucked our joy. “More redemption”, thought I. But doggoneit if it the spirit has been elusive! Friends posted on their Facebook statuses telling little bits of a common struggle…trees are going up late, decorations are recycled, gifts are homemade…women try to scrub and shine and smile cheer over everything but like a warped record, everything feels a little off.

“Wait for it”, is what I thought a week ago. “It’s still early yet”. “List what you’re thankful for”. Done…and what was left after that was just more of the same: beige, grey, tired, everyone trying but nothing very vibrant breaking through. Maybe this is just more evidence of the solstice; we are still on the dark half, the half that hungers and cries out for light. The Advent season is about waiting and watching for Light. There is comfort that comes in the counting down of days, of sacremental steps towards something, and this is the time. Our troubles are not unlike those in a multitude of days and years and moments; my mothers’ tears have been cried before by others,  fertile soils of opporotunity turned to famine is a reccurring blight, investors of many kinds have looked up to the sky in prayer and desperation, whether on Wall Street or in their planted fields. There is always a chance to remember our smallness. And this year, it seems we all “get” that…only we get smaller and smaller and wonder how we’ll survive.

There is a move in Karate that was described to me. When a force is pushing against us, we tend to resist and push back. But power can be found in surprising the source of the force by going the other way, the way one is being forced. It allows for a catch, a gasp. The force is caught of guard, befuddled, and an escape can be made. I’ve been pondering this for a few days. The force pushing against me is Oppressive. There’s a very real temptation to get depressed and blue and be a scrooge for the holidays. It’d be so easy…and few would blame me. There’s enough on my plate to adequately explain stress and fatigue and enough commonality so that everyone would understand. Every day though, there’s been tension. A very real question of “do I or don’t I” (give in) has formed on my lips. I’ve chosen so far not to give in. One day at a time.

It looks like going slowly through the motions. Make lists for a few gifts. Keep doing what I know needs doing. Turn on that holiday music while cooking. Be enthusiastic over someone else’s effort. But it’s also a good recipe for endurance. These are all baby steps that once accumulated, get one over the hump and mean the race can be won. My little “gasp” though, was to stop. Take a day and just cling to routine and give zero thought to Christmas or holidays or gift lists or rosy cheeked singers with candy smiles.

The lapse in tension made way for a little miracle that wasn’t random, that just might start a snowball of Happy Holidays on down the mountain of the season. I was shopping with a friend and we were in the express aisle with our groceries. We had a little friendly banter between us and the elderly lady standing behind us with two loaves of white bread and a pack of bologne. My friend told the cashier that he’d like to add the lady’s groceries to his tab…he’s a generous man by nature and thoughtful with little things so this didn’t catch me much by surprise. After all, she didn’t have that much and it was more the gesture, than the size of the gift, that was being communicated. But what came next was tenderly sweet. The cashier smiled in disbelief, saying she’d never seen anything like that happen, especially at Christmas. Everyone these days is living so tight themselves that giving just doesn’t happen much. The elderly lady started smiling and almost crying…she is a cancer survivor and having a hard time and this just absolutely made her day.

And that’s the essence: a good deed started spreading like a warm circle around us. He smiled. I smiled. The clerk smiled. The lady smiled. The man behind her smiled. We all exchanged, “have a nice day” enthusiastically, and “Merry Christmas” and meant it. Maybe for the first time all season, I felt it, rather than just went through the motions of saying it.  One small thing became a highlight of the day. Our step was a little bouncier, the lights a little brighter, the music in the background a little cheerier. Bad news seemed a distance away, like it somehow couldn’t touch us for a few moments, because our day would now be defined by a small act of kindness. Troubles kind of melted in the eye contact between strangers.

Lots of little motto’s run through my mind on day like that: “How we spend our days is how we live our lives”, and “God always reaches us through people”, and what’s a more obvious way to “live deliberately” than to intentionally see someone else’s small need and meet it? I realized that this little thing could be it’s own genesis miracle, if I let it. It seems God reached a lot of people in that simple act…the lady, who pocketed her few dollars, to stretch another day. The cashier, who probably smiled at subsequent customers and had a story to tell when she came home of “how was your day”. The giver, who is always blessed through the act, which feels so good. And little me, watching, and realizing that these little moments always exist and can define the momentum of our days. Perhaps the larger issues are out of our reach, but little things abound that actually, like snowflakes, accumulate and cover and can define.  One person can touch another, one happy thought can lead to another, one choice can set into play a domino effect of joy.

So in December I don’t want to spend the days defining what I want to change. I’d rather share other stories of Pay It Forward. And make paper chains of red and green with my kids. And bake a variety of cookies to share with a friend. A tree here, a tree there, and the neighbor’s lighted reindeer next to a plastic Mary and Joseph. Notice the twinkle of stars and the fingernail moon and Wait For the Light. What’s merry and bright this year may be as small as snowflakes, each unique and tender and quiet. I, for one, am listening.

My attitude is kind of sucky this morning. I had some special plans, the kind that are one-of-a-kind and can’t replicate, that abruptly got changed for me today. Happens to everyone now and then, I know. But before coffee, caught off guard, was not a great time to hear the news and it sent me on a little pout fest for about an hour. I had this list on my list of things to do, together with a reminder that I’m still working on my posts for “What’s Right”, and have not wanted to break away from my self-pity party in order to do it. Cryin’ in my coffee cup, sniffling worse than any recent cold, and thinking dire thoughts about the future all were given some space ahead of thinking about what I’m thankful for. This is kind of rebellion on my part because I know as soon as I do this list I’m going to feel better and part of me DOES NOT WANT TO (dammit ). I deliberately did not want to feel better. If I had a day to it, I’d watch sad movies and eat junk food, and really wallow hard in it.

However, there is pie to make. And cleaning to get done. And that leads to the reason why…my little neice and nephew are on their way and I’m going to get baby luvin’ in a few hours. My awesome sister and her husband are coming (yes, they are more than just baby transportation…we miss them too!). The thought of little “Doris Day and Brother” are enough to push those pouty thoughts a little out of the way. And the sound of my happy birthday boy in the next room giggling with his new toys pushes them a little further. I can hardly believe my baby is turning 4! Being active in the preparations for Thankgiving Day makes it very hard to sulk and fret over what I don’t have that I wanted. So like dry sand through my fingers, my negativity is going to sift away, which is really a good thing.

And here are 5 other good things that are going to get it started. I”m thankful for:

• Ernesto, the old fishing bird I watch over a friend’s pond. He seems to know my voice and he sits like a sentinel on an old log watching me. He’s part of a nature scape that has come to mean a lot to me, part of a cherishing of Florida that was slow in coming as I let go of living in Tennessee this year. Ernesto reminds me of a line in a poem I read, “think of what the trees have seen”, and I gain perspective every time I think of it. Birds and trees sit constant through our passing tumults. We can learn from that.
• The contemplativeness of cooking. Of something slow and deliberate to put my hands to, that results in a product, that communicates effort and care, that doesn’t require language in order to succeed.  Many times the act of cooking and preparing food gives me time to work through a struggle or express a thought that I otherwise would leave stifled.
• An injury-less year, with running and training that could have very easily resulted in strains and pulls and aches and pains. Exercise is a huge stress-reliever for me and an injury would have had a ripple effect. In a year without medical insurance, it’s even more important to remain strong and healthy. Daily blessing.
• Water. If Tennessee’s strong point is those waves of blue and green mountains (now autumnal shades of brown and purple), Florida’s is water. Our massive river, the expanse of the ocean…I try to integrate as much of it into my life as possible. Often I’ll drive out of my way to take a bridge or be near the intercoastal waterway, just for the deep breath of air and openness I feel when I see the water and smell the salt air. It can easily be the boost needed to keep on keepin’ on.
• Life changes. Sometimes the other side of this coin is also my biggest grief. I’m hungry for settlement, consistency, and an end to certain processes. I get weary of no two days ever being the same. But there also is an openness that defies despair…life changes so much that it’s impossible to know for certain that “it will never get better”. Chances are high that it’s at least not going to stay the same and who knows the future? It very well could be better than anything I have dreamed.

Join me, comment, or Tweet…but leave a link! Happy Thankgiving everyone and here’s a toast to “Living Deliberately”…. in attitude, word, and deed.