Living-Deliberately.com

In my Thanksgiving Countdown list every week, a recurring point has always been the friendships in my life. And having those people in my heart and life really are one of the biggest elements of my life right now that is “right”.

A look at my Facebook list was interesting: I’ve been blessed to have friends in every state I’ve lived in, friends since I was a baby, friends since I was a bushy-headed 13 year old. Friends since high school, friends who I met in the gap between school and marriage. Friends who’s babies were born when mine were, friends in every church along the way, friends inside of the box and out. Friends who homeschool, public and private school, friends who unschool. Single and married, black and white, gay and straight, longterm and new. I have friends who walked through the door of divorce before me, friends who’ve been through violence to the other side and encourage me along my way, friends who’ve been married 40 years and Understand. I have friends who waited through and were Still There when I went years disallowed from contacting them. Friends who have protected me, sheltered me, challenged me, and been painfully honest and straight with me. Friends who understand the reasons behind my journey and friends who don’t but love me anyway. Friends who voted McCain/Palin and friends who canvassed for Obama. Friends who have never seen my face but read every word I wrote this year, and I, theirs. Friends who don’t own a computer. Friends who giggle at my exploits and friends who won’t let me take things (or myself) too seriously. Friends who saved my life and friends who saved my cupcakes. I’m glad it’s a big, big world.

If you’re reading this, you know who you are.

One of the things that was pointed out this year is that having a variety of friendships is a sign of a healthy life. When a person is evaluated for personality disorders and mental illness, one thing that is looked at is the relationships around them. Are there large gaps of time where they don’t communicate with their siblings? Do they still talk to anyone who served in their wedding? Are they in touch with anyone from their childhood? How long can they hold the same job in the same office? When is the last time they went out with someone for fun? Do they have a balance between old friendships and new, in a variety of settings? After all, the buddy you chat with about yesterday’s game over the cubical wall is different than your old roommate yet being able to maintain both with stability requires mental balance and health. People who only have old friends probably don’t get out much or handle their daily stress well. And people who only have new friends who cycle through quickly probably have a host of other, mostly narcissistic, issues as well. Or so the discovery has gone.

So, if having relationships is a sign of health, I think it also encourages health. Having a lot of people in your life means you have a support system. You aren’t alone. And you can’t be small…. people are all so different. So challenging. You have to learn to ebb and flow and let people be Who They Are, which in turn sharpens you into a Better You. I can see the contrast through my years of how I’ve been challenged to listen more, say things better, reach out of myself, hear someone else’s need. Loneliness isn’t just about the one who is isolated and can sometimes be very selfish. I can’t know or address anyone else’s need if I’m locked away to myself. And they can’t know mine. The world shrinks.

Controllers know this. They like the world small because it means more of it is under their thumb. It’s more easily managed. Eliminate abusive control and the world grows; freedom blooms.

People Are Beautiful and variety keeps life growing. You can’t have Spring without Winter or Summer without Spring and who would really want one long, never-changing season? My friends who try new foods with me know this, as do my friends who read new books and my friends digging into musical history for an old classic or salvaging windows from that old house for a cold-frame. I grow when I find a common interest over native grains with someone of a foreign (to me) faith.

I’m a big believer that God always does His work through people. That means, when we pray, we’ll see the answer very often via another human being and maybe it doesn’t look like what we expected. Many, many times I find myself near tears with gratitude of the friendships that are in my life. For years I was told I didn’t have time to give them and to let them go. Or that they were hazardous people that I should avoid. Or that I’d outgrown them. But life in the Light has shown that not to be the case at all. Even busy lives can include times to connect. Maybe not as often as anyone would like but enough to communicate caring, interest, and the hope for more. Someone’s idea is not dangerous to me or mine unless they force it upon me and ironically, friends don’t do that…controllers do. And how can someone really “outgrow” another human soul? None of us is at our destination yet and everyone is growing.

So, dear friends, you are one thing that is right in my life right now. If I could change anything about it, it would only be that there continue to become more of you, with more time to really nurture and discover. What I have, I hope to preserve. I want to be a better friend, listen more, grow more, discover and give. New, old, casual, intense, same as me, different than me… It’s an honor to be on the path of life with you. Thank you.

I’m currently going through a self-evaluation of sorts as I decide what I want to set as my goals for the coming year. As a result, I’m contrasting different elements in my life. What works, what doesn’t work, what’s wrong, what’s right….and that’s when it occurred to me (somewhere between the pine trees, the dirt farm, the river, and the bridge on yet another long drive) that I don’t often spend a lot of time listing What’s Right In My Life.

I decided that I would make that my November emphasis. Together with the Wednesday 5 Thankfulness Countdown, I want to focus on what’s been great this year, what is just right in my life right now, what I want to work to preserve. In December there will be time for clarifying what needs to change and in January I’ll begin the list of deliberate goal setting and achievement. But for now I want to answer the cozy hearkening of contemplation.

Of course, this morning when I got up, day one of this attempt, everything went wonky. I overslept and felt crappy. The kids were crabby and so were The Parents. We ran late, couldn’t find hair bows and matching socks, decided on lunch in the cafeteria rather than pack (oh the pain!), my computer froze…it really was presenting itself in every way to be the kind of day that can only be dealt with under the covers with home improvement TV and fast food. And yet, that wasn’t an option as we all muttered and grumbled onward.

A quick chat with a long-distance friend set things right. “What is the sunny side this November 6 that wasn’t true last November 6?”. It is, of course, that a crabby morning in safety surely wins out against a crabby morning in fear. Within seconds I was reminded that safety has to be one of the biggest things that is RIGHT. And friends who are there through the thick and thin of our days is right there next to it.

Listing what is right in my life was a great exercise in gratitude yesterday. I did most of it on the beach, under gray and windy skies, while my little boy searched for shells and sea glass. More “right”, because access to the constancy of the ocean has been a huge benefit this year. Watching my little guy grow from a non-verbal baby 12 months ago to a very conversant man-child now is another “right”; babies don’t grow when things aren’t right and he grows as he should.

I’m looking forward to this process. I’m sure there will be some days with tea and a journal; others with only time in them to think while driving from point A to point B. Life still holds plenty of drama but it also consists of more stability than turbulence. This month, it’s time to focus on the part of the glass that is half full.